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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sell house?

20 replies

Craftysue · 04/09/2023 18:31

I haven't posted for a while - I just wanted to get some unbiased opinion.
My husband passed away 4 years ago - late 40's and died 4 months after diagnosis. My 3 children and I were devastated. 4 years on all 3 have left home( all now in their 20's and doing really well.
I now live alone in a 5 bedroom house. I also have rhuematoid arthritis. I'm finding it hard to maintain. I'm extremely fortunate in that I'm fine for money - mortgage was paid off and I have a decent income from various pensions and life insurance.
I've decided to downsize but my youngest is extremely upset - she just feels like I will be leaving Dad behind. She understands the issues I have and agrees it's sensible but it's still hard for her
My kids have been fantastic - they've been through a lot in the last few years and I don't want to make anything worse, but my eldest son has rightly pointed out that even if I delay moving it won't change anything. I really don't know what to do
AIBU to move now or should I delay to give my daughter time to adjust?

OP posts:
Malapataraso · 04/09/2023 19:49

“She understands the issues I have and agrees it's sensible”

Then it’s fine to move now, she’ll be fine.

Alltheusernamesaretakennow · 04/09/2023 19:53

Malapataraso · 04/09/2023 19:49

“She understands the issues I have and agrees it's sensible”

Then it’s fine to move now, she’ll be fine.

This

So very sorry for your loss

RandomMess · 04/09/2023 20:02

Remind your youngest that you are packing him to come along 💕

He'll be there in photos and momentos, books and all sorts of things.

Original poster
Craftysue · 04/09/2023 20:17

Thanks - I know you're right I just don't want to hurt her anymore
He's definitely coming with me - I still haven't decided what to do with his ashes!

OP posts:
Moraxella · 04/09/2023 20:20

I would have been the same as your daughter but with hindsight, as someone who’s selling the family house after both parents died prematurely (one after the other) I wish my remaining parent had downsized so I knew they weee happy to let the house go. Almost as if I had their blessing.

Frenchfancy · 04/09/2023 20:27

They have left home. The house is no longer practical for you. Sell and buy yourself a perfect home for the coming years.

Let the DC have any furniture or pictures they want to remember their dad.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 04/09/2023 20:41

The best gift you can give your kids is a home that you enjoy and you can manage.

Potentialmadcatlady · 04/09/2023 20:46

Involve her in packing some extra special items that remind her of him to take to new house. I had to pack up my Mums house after her death.. I kept some special things- glass wear, pictures, kitchen items that I knew I could use including her fav pie dish and have them in my new house ( I was moving at the same time) They make me smile and it feels like I have brought her with me if that makes sense

Nannyfannybanny · 04/09/2023 20:46

Firstly, sympathy for your loss. You need to do what is right for you, before it becomes impossible. We were both working FT, when we moved to a cheaper area,near the sea, and downsized, after all the kids had left home.

cittigirl · 04/09/2023 21:46

I felt like your dd when my DH died and I sold the house a year later. I felt awful about it and like I was leaving him and the memories there but of course, with everything moved out, it was just a house and I took all the memories with me. Maybe she can help you to pack and move, it may help. Good luck

maddening · 04/09/2023 21:49

Is there something you could take from the house that would represent dh? A tree or plant that you planted as a family from the garden? Perhaps having something that represents him that you are taking with you would ease that feeling for dd?

Original poster
Craftysue · 04/09/2023 22:16

Thanks for the comments - I'm sure it's the right thing to do - just another hurdle in the process. It will be nice to have a fresh start and we always planned to move when the kids left home.

OP posts:
sleepyscientist · 04/09/2023 22:23

Are any of the kids interested in and close to being able to afford to buy the house?

Original poster
Craftysue · 05/09/2023 07:25

Sadly not - all still in their 20:s oldest has just bought his first home and the other two rent.
It's a big old house so utility bills and council tax are high too.

OP posts:
ChannelyourinnerElsa · 05/09/2023 07:29

I’m the youngest child in your scenario. Once mum died, dad sold up the big family home within a four years. I was sad, but I understood, and as soon as it was done I was ok. I have never held it against my dad, and I could see then, and still see now, that it was the best thing for him.

Original poster
Craftysue · 05/09/2023 07:40

Thanks - my daughter is the youngest too and I think she feels the same as you. I am dreading it but I know it's the sensible thing to do

OP posts:
FarmGirl78 · 05/09/2023 10:14

I'm guessing you'll have told her that you both planned to downsize anyway? While she's upset she must realise you're ultimately carrying out her Dad's wishes.

Remind her that her memories are about the house but not attached to the house. The house is just bricks - she'll still have an those precious memories without the house.

MasterBeth · 05/09/2023 10:19

As you move on with your life, you are leaving a house, but you will never leave your husband's memory behind.

I think you are being sensible, and kind to consider your daughter's feelings - but she is being unreasonable.

TheAOEAztec · 05/09/2023 10:23

We actively encouraged mum to sell because itbwas too big for her. Dad's ashes moved with her until she put him into columbarium. We strongly suspect he was haunting tv.

It will all be fine and you keep the memories and aome treasured things with you.

TheAOEAztec · 05/09/2023 10:24

Let her pick something from house so ahe can have it with her. I took bush cutting

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