Feeling so guiltily about my choices as a parent

[bhuip]

I am able to be a SAHM. My DH works endlessly, to the point that he’s rarely at home. But we have enough money. I don’t need to work at all. Yet I want to put dd in nursery when she’s one and go back to work four days a week. I feel so guilty. DH is happy for me to do what I think is best as he acknowledges he isn’t around much. But I feel like this is such a selfish decision to effectively take myself away from dd just to pursue my own career and have my own separate life. Has anyone been in a similar position? I can’t sleep I feel so conflicted by it all.

Does your DH also feel similarly guilty as you do? Do you feel that your DH put his career above his duty as a father?

More importantly, can your DH work a little less and be present as a parent if you work as well? Because that would be in the interest of your child too.

OP stop feeling guilty. You do not have to justify going back to work. You want to go that’s enough. No man would have these concerns.

Think of this another way:

• You are taking pressure off your DH in respect of money (he may be fine staying at home. I’m the breadwinner and it’s nice to know the lights will all stay on if I was suddenly I’ll).
• You protect your family financially (bad unexpected things happen, your DH gets ills, made redundant).
• You protect yourself financially. You might say you’ll never divorce. Mumsnet is full of women who said that, gave up jobs and now are in precarious positions because they don’t have jobs.
• You are setting a great example to your daughter about how both parents can work and care for her.
• Nursery is beneficial (particularly from age 2 and hence the funding at this time).

@BlueShoeTwo thanks. I’ve read a lot about nursery being beneficial age two and that’s what upsets me, should I wait until then etc

My entire NCT group could easily afford a SAHP if desired, we all went back to work and are very glad we did a year later. Most women work.

I think it's wonderful if you can do it, I would not have been a good enough one to a toddler. I'm so grateful for nursery for the messy play, outdoors time, skills they're teaching and the time to eat lunch in peace.

4 days is a great option, I really cherish our day together.

Can DH work less?

I wasn't in a similar position as I had to work really (probably could have scraped by but we didn't even entertain me being a SAHP) but I really needed to work for me. And I know that has made me a better parent because I'm able to be more present when I am with my DC. I think there is a balance to be had. Happy mum, happy baby and all that

OP- do you have any friends or family who used nursery from age 1? Do you think they're selfish?

She won't be little for long, in the blink of an eye she'll be at school and you'll be kicking your heels wishing you'd kept a hand in the job market. I went back to work when mine were 1 and have no regrets.

Why does he work such long hours, doesn't he want to spend time with his kid?

I have early twenties DC. I never worked because my DH was and still is either working all hours or travelling the globe, and it has suited us. My female friends over the years have worked, not worked, been full time, been part time, or volunteered, used nursery or nannies or childminders or none of the above. Among us, our children have been to state school, independent school and boarding school. They are all nice kids and have all ended up pretty much the same, tbh.

We've always been able to manage on one salary.

I chose to go back to work. 3 days a week to start with but used nursery 4 days a week so I could have a day to myself.

I love my children but I have no desire to be a full time SAHP. Neither did my DH. He did a spell of 4 days a week when ours we pre-school.

I will be honest - I didn't feel guilty about it - because I wasn't doing anything wrong. Neither did DH. Our children are happy, well adjusted and thriving. And so are we as adults.

OP

You have no reason to feel guilty.
You're doing the right thing

There is no way my DH (an excellent father) would have been a better father by being confined to the home. And no one has ever judged him for being committed to his career. Don’t judge yourself by harsher standards.

Sometimes as a parent you need to put yourself first. If it is what you want then go for it. Your child will be fine at nursery. It will help their socialisation and speech.

And do make sure that all the housework is not your responsibility because he works longer hours than you do!

DH is a physician in the US and works incredibly long hours. But he manages to do so around our kids so he's there in the evenings when he can, and is almost always there in the mornings. I work too but less than him but my career is not second best to his. And more importantly, he fully pulls his weight in the house. Our respective earning potential does not determine who does the laundry and the washing. On both weekends DH gets up with the kids and he batch cooks, puts out the trash and recyling (the job I hate the most), puts away laundry etc. He also takes the kids for days out, to birthday parties and if I travel for work I don't need to cook in advance or leave him with an hour by hour schedule. I don't consider myself fortunate that he does so, because as a smart competent adult and a man who wanted to become a father I assume that this is the very bare minimum he will do.
Please hold your DH to the same (very) high standards that you hold yourself to as well.

I could be a SAHP if I wanted to. But it is absolutely not a good idea for any of us. I am not the type of person who can do five days a week every week with young children and emerge with my mental health intact. I would be a frazzled, exhausted, irritable wreck. I wouldn't be a good parent (and let's not pretend that all SAHPs are good parents; I imagine there are more than a few that shouldn't be SAHPs - being physically present doesn't necessarily make you present).
^
I work part-time, it works for us, we are all happy, healthy, we enjoy each other, we love each other. What that looks like will be different for everyone.^

Seems like a conversation is warranted between you and DH about how to balance family and work life so both of you can have the life you want. Is there absolutely no possibility of him reducing/rearranging his hours so you can work as well, while still providing parental time with your DD? It should be a discussion, not simply automatically on you to try accept his lifestyle and fit yours around it.

No way OP. You sound like a smart lady who needs proper stimulation and adult conversation, using your skills and developing your career. Think NOTHING of it. Get yourself back to work. You may not NEED to financially, but you NEED to for your own sake.

MN is a bit of an echo chamber on this subject. "Your child will be fine" is often said with certainty.

Your child might well be fine or they might not, but you're in a great position where you can give it a go and see.

A lot of parents/children don't have that choice as they rely on that income to pay rent/mortgage/bills etc.

There's no point in feeling guilty right now as you have no idea how it will affect your child, or even if it will.

Go for it and find out!

You do you. I'm not being funny, but the reason this always turns into a huge bun fight on Mumsnet is that there are arguments on both sides. All you can do is what you feel is best for you and your family. No-one is right or wrong and the data shows that your LO will be fine either way! Just go with your gut and you can always rethink later if needs be :)

Going back to work was the best thing I did for my mental health, i think the point above about protecting yourself financially is important, no one plans to get divorced but I like knowing that financially I would be ok if it happened.

my daughter started nursery under a year old and she still absolutely loves it (just started preschool), it’s done wonders for her social skills, speech etc and they do many more fun activities than I could do at home.

Don’t feel guilty.

Honestly, don’t feel guilty. I did this over 30 years ago as I needed to be “me” again and not just someone’s mum. Being a mum was great but I craved adult company and needed to get involved in work.
Both my children thrived at nursery and enjoyed going.
My kids are now adults with children of their own and they always say what an amazing childhood they had as they got to travel and had experiences as a family as money wasn’t so tight. They have a great work ethic as it was the norm in our house. They both went back to work after having children and have their children in nursery now.
One other thing that I didn’t think about at the time, but am so grateful for now is the fact that I was paying into a pension over the years I worked. I can’t tell you how much of a difference it has made to us now that we’re older and
managed to retire before we were 60. I’m so glad I went back to work and never felt guilty at any stage.
Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

@bhuip I'm coming at this from an opposite angle at the moment. I'm due my second and went back to work after my first (also one of us could have afforded to be a SAHP). The issue is my son loves nursery so much and I can see how good it is for him. He's 18 months, happily runs in, and does so many activities with a group of children every day that we would never manage. Even with having active social lives on mat/pat leave and going to baby groups etc we weren't able to do as much.

We're currently debating that a nanny would make our lives much easier as the parents, but Im really loathe to pull him out.

I would say SAHP are in the minority and most parents need to live off two incomes requiring some form of childcare. Definitely not selfish, I couldn't be a SAHP, I need adult company and have worked full time since having DS. Your child will very likely love nursery, I don't know many kids who don't.