To be at the end of my tether

[DontLeanOnTheKeyboard]

My mum is 79. She lives a long way from me and we have a difficult relationship which I generally manage by low contact, keeping conversations light and breezy but I think as a consequence of Dad’s health deteriorating and his desire to get out and about, she has become absolutely glued to FB. I go on at random times, briefly, looking at local pages usually (and a few posts in wondering why I bother!) and her light is always green.

She’s always been into woo stuff but lately it’s gone nuts: climate change denial, Covid and Big Pharma conspiracy, government tracking us by stealth, God knows what. The clips/posts she sends are from the usual weird and wonderful completely bs sites and people and it’s getting too much!

to start with I was polite, then I tried gently pointing out inconsistencies, or sending the official/science but that’s just triggered her to send more. This weekend I asked her if we could agree to disagree, which she said yes to, and sulked a bit. I ignored the sulking and damn me she’s started on it all again, absolute garbage across WhatsApp, any shite she comes across on TIKTOK, FB etc. Asking me to ‘open my mind’ ‘wake up’ all the usual tropes.

Help how do I make it stop

Start bombarding her with cat memes and see how she likes it?
Tell her if she doesn’t stop you are just going to block her?

I actually tried the funny cat videos over the weekend - that’s the sort of thing we used to share!

I just don’t know what she wants - why is it so important I agree with her?

Anyone?

Stop going on Facebook.

My mum can get hold of me in other ways @Malapataraso

🫤 but thanks…..

You said you question why you even go on there after a few articles in. You see your mom’s constant green light and it sets you off. It seems to be the primary way she’s sending you these things you don’t want to read. Hence, don’t go on Facebook. It will cut out a lot of the stuff that’s bothering you. Not 100% but a big chunk of it. Plus FB is crap. I bet deleting your account would feel pretty great.

She goes on FB then sends the links through messaging apps! It’s not whether I am on there or not, they don’t appear in my feed - she sends them via Text, WhatsApp, messenger etc !

You can't change a Facebook truthers mind. All you can do is ignore it. Unfollow her and her nonsense will no longer be on your feed. And just IGNORE all other messages as trying to get her to see sense will be am utter waste of your time and energy.

@Malapataraso i think you’re missing the point, my issue isn’t my use or not of FB it’s how to handle her and the links 😖

OP I don’t think there is an answer but I sympathise with you.

My DM is 86. If I had a pound for every sentence that starts… I read in the Daily Mail 🙄

It sounds like you’ve tried debating the politics to try to change her mind, and then waved the white flag that you can agree to disagree. But have you told her that her links upset you, you are stressed already with your dad’s declining health (I’m sorry about that, btw), and flat out that you do not want her links? Straightforward, honest, tell her what you need?

I’d just reply “oh god mum, can’t believe you’ve been sucked in by all that nonsense, I thought you were more intelligent.” Or “mum is all bollocks, stop being so gullible”.

my dad loves Trump - cannot accept the man has done anything wrong. We do not talk about it and if it comes up we literally walk away and start another conversation. We don’t give off oxygen.

We’re back into sulk now. I can’t stand it. grow the fuck up ffs. It’s not like we are fans of different bands as teenagers ffs.

Whilst I might mentally judge her lack of critical thinking, I leave it, she’s old and it’s no one’s job to change her. But constantly forcing it down my throat is doing my head in. She was like this with homeopathy for a few years, ditto me being a working mum, but I’m 56 now and sick of the assumed ‘I know better than you cos I’m your mum’. She’s been a SAHM all her life, been to Spain a few times, British resorts, and reads the Daily Mail. Why?! Why can’t she just leave it.

@TeenLifeMum i have tried that and she’s either offended or acts like Yoda ‘you wait and see, it’s happening’ LikeBrexit mum, you said I was wrong with that, and now even Farage is saying it’s a fuck up.

Can’t you just mute her messages? I have a relative who sends inane garbage to me and I suspect everyone else in her address book- cat memes, daily mail conspiracies, “life hacks”, nonsense about forwarding this post to ten people or I’ll know no one loves me etc etc. I just ignore it all. It’s muted, periodically I open the thread, delete it all and then carry on. If she wants me for something important I figure she’ll phone.

Or can you just kill it off with “I’ll bear it in mind”, “noted”, “rightio” type responses? Just don’t give her the satisfaction of proper engagement?

@Rudolphthefrog (love your username!)

I think muting a friend is different to muting your elderly mother, but take your point. I’m genuinely stuck as to how to respond without causing friction, but not giving her something to fight against. They’ve gone from super active, to almost housebound (dad and mum’s insistence on not leaving an elderly dog lone for more than an hour) and she’s bored stupid. Everything you suggest she poopoos, then bewails her existence. I’ve tried so hard to just keep things neutral and light and it’s like she’s spoiling for a fight to liven up her day. She doesn’t speak to my SIL, her DIL, her cousin, my dad’s family and so on.

Could you only check your messages from her once or twice a day, and not reply to any of the links or rants, only to proper personal messages? That way you won't miss anything important but you don't have to engage with the nonsense.

Sorry, this does sound very hard.

It can be quite common for older people who are severely socially isolated & lonely & get the majority of their social interaction from social media sites that post conspiracy theories to believe what they are reading & the more they read things like this the more the Internet search engines will target them with similar posts. It ends up there is no balance to what they are being targeted with by the algorithms & their entire newsfeed is similar things.

They don't realise that's what's happening so from their point of view it's their new normal as they are surrounded with it on all their online interactions & all day every day they are bombarded with these "truths "

They don't come from a generation that's been taught to critically think about what's been posted online ie they believe it like its accurate as if they are reading it from the BBC & can get very anxious & worked up that their loved ones aren't seeing the same dangers that surrounds them all day as they are consumed by it & want others to see the danger as well.

Because they have no or little "in person" social interactions there's nothing to give them a break from it or no respected friendship groups to tell them they're being sucked in .

It's a difficult one to manage esp as you don't have the best relationship already .

As you know, there is no point telling them they're wrong, the conspiracy theories have warned them this will happen so it proves them right. It's also from their point of view an attack on their beliefs

Try not to get angry. You don't have to reply to every message she sends if its conspiracy theory.
Try to separate your mum from the conspiracy theories ie when she sends you one train yourself to react differently , instead of getting worked up, think instead that's just mum waving

Or alternatively you could one up her theories in a lighthearted way & see if that stops her .... see attached pic

Thank you, starting to get some really doable things. I can’t confront - she will be deeply hurt and more convinced. I’m going to try more ignore, subject change etc.

There’s so many elements of aging parents that, like colic an reversed days/nights newborns, you just can’t translate the reality

Honestly you just have to start ignoring the messages. Apply your low contact approach to them. If it’s weird woo conspiracy theory link, just don’t respond at all.