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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

struggling with dd moving to uni

11 replies

Stroopwaffels · 04/09/2023 12:29

I'm sure i'm not alone in this. DD - middle child, her older brother is living at home for uni - is moving into halls on saturday. this move has coincided with a huge dip in the effectiveness of my HRT and i'm struggling enormously. I know it's all hormonal. I know that uni terms are ridiculously short and as all her assessment is continuous and group work that she won't have to stick around for exams and will be back on 2 December, and has a reading week in the end of October. Her uni is also only a 45 minute drive from home...

Words of wisdom from mums who have been through this please!!

OP posts:
Cardboardcup · 04/09/2023 12:35

Not quite the same but my eldest is severely autistic and went to a residential college 4 years ago. The first few weeks were incredibly hard for me. I’m not sure how I’ll feel when my younger children fly the nest. I’ll still miss them but the added worry won’t be there.

Malapataraso · 04/09/2023 15:47

You know it’s all hormonal, so that’s great. Focus on not sharing your fears with your daughter and making your problem her problem. She should be happy and excited about her next step in life, so keep it to yourself and your friends, and put a big smile on for her. Your HRT will be straightened out, so just remember you won’t feel so terribly forever. I’m sorry your hormones are out of whack right now, it’s an awful feeling. Be strong for your daughter, and lean on your friends.

SoIinvictus · 04/09/2023 15:50

By definition almost all mothers of uni students are in menopause so no, you're not alone!

I cried every day (in secret) this time last year. We live abroad and I took DD on a plane to the UK. She came home at Christmas and Easter.

The before is eleventy squillion times worse than the after, honestly.

It will get better the second you see how she's enjoying it all.

gogomoto · 04/09/2023 15:52

It's a transition but you need to remind yourself that you have done a great job preparing them for this, that it's a half way house in leaving home and whilst it's not a given, many tgen come back home, if anything I'm ready for them to leave completely now. It's hard adjusting for about a week, you then get into a new routine. I have 2 dd's and two dsd - 2 fully gone, 1 final year with plans to move away and one came home with no plans to leave ... I'm ready though

Original poster
Stroopwaffels · 04/09/2023 16:37

You're all so kind. I am not showing her how I am feeling, it's really not fair on her at all.

OP posts:
NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 04/09/2023 16:40

It doesn't last, I felt very emotional about it for a few weeks. Then it was fine. They seem to be back very quickly and the mess/chaos resumes and then you wonder when they are heading back....

rowantree1997 · 04/09/2023 17:25

It is a big change when they move out but I love hearing all my dd's stories about what she's doing and who she's met.

I seen to have got into a routine of facetiming her once a week when I know she is likely to be around.

They come home more than you realise and by Easter they are mostly done for the year.

CalistoNoSolo · 04/09/2023 17:31

Mine is 5000 miles away and not back until day before Christmas. Its tough but its been on the cards for the last four years so I'm just having to suck it up. She's always been v independent though which makes it easier, plus her uni is very very hot on student safety.

NavyLeague · 04/09/2023 17:32

Have done it before. Doing it for the last time in a few weeks.

I felt incredibly sad and empty for a week or so. Never told my kids though.

I told myself that it was ok to feel sad. We are incredibly close and they are great company and our fantastic relationship is a good thing, but comes at the price of missing them. The alternative would be worse: if they were not excited about their futures and never wanted to leave me. This is such a wonderful adventure for them. They will have a loving home to come back to. And there is so much tech these days, they can get in touch whenever they want!

I work full time, have friends, hobbies and very much have ‘my own life’. It’s still hard when it’s the end of an era. Bittersweet times ahead.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 04/09/2023 17:55

Honestly I’d name it and get it out in the open if you can’t hide it.

“DD so excited for you but sadly a bit of a hormonal mess at the moment… working on keeping it under control. Take no notice if I fall off the deep end. I’m happy for you and can’t wait to hear about all your new adventures”

She’s only 45 minutes away. In your moments…start planning to visit her (in your head). After a month or so call her and ask if she wants to go for dinner sometime in the next few weeks. Then take her for a good meal and drop her back to her place and head home. My mum used to do that for me and it was a lot of fun. We’d spend a couple of hours together and then she’d head home. It gave her a sense of my new life which I think helped us morph into our adult relationship.

TeaAndALemonTart · 04/09/2023 18:13

Are you on wiwikau? You'll find lots the same there.

It can be a bit much sometimes but very supportive and loads of good info.

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