Page 4 | Online sperm donation. Weird weird weird....

Teder · 07/09/2023 09:03

Perhapsperhapsto · 07/09/2023 08:04

‘Most sperm donors are from the USA and are young (20s) so the “little bit of money”

there wasn’t a single USA donor listed when we chose our donor. Chatting to the people in the clinic they said that a high proportion of their donors came from links to the clinic- men or family of couples getting IVF who’d been made aware of how some people struggled, and of the sperm donor shortage in the U.K. changed after the new laws around donor conceived children being able to contact their donors after the age of 18.

the donors got £25 to donate, after they completed all the testing etc, then another £25 6 months later when that sample cleared more tests and was able to be used.

Hardly a fortune, but perhaps if you were a student near by popping in a couple of times a week, then 6 months later for more blood tests was worth it.

I was referring to sperm banks. The majority of anonymous sperm donors are from the US. For those who go the anon donor route, a lot of them seek abroad donors to reduce the (already low because it’s regulated) risk or their child meeting a biological sibling.

HayleyhasheKeys · 07/09/2023 09:11

CoParents · 06/09/2023 21:08

Yes of course there are risks. There are risks to all kinds of choices in life, especially when it comes to reproduction. These risks can be mitigated in the case of informal sperm donation as they can in all sorts of situations. It depends on how you go about it. Just because it’s an unconventional path doesn’t make it inherently more risky , or wrong, than many other choices / risks that people make/ take all the time.

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What about women who don’t want to coparent suddenly discovering the random internet donor does? Many years of court battles and upset follow that…

Obviously that can happen with one night stand’s/ casual relationships leading to accidental pregnancy… but to actively choose and go out of your way to put yourself and a child into that vulnerable position is a bit daft.

As millions of women know, once you have a child with a bloke you are stuck in some sort of relationship with him, whether he is a dick or not… it isn’t just ‘he is healthy with good sperm, I’m pregnant now- bye!’

Perhapsperhapsto · 07/09/2023 09:21

‘The majority of anonymous sperm donors are from the US’

Not in the U.K. they aren’t. We got ours from a sperm bank. If anything it’s the Danes who are donating most to European spent banks.

CoParents · 07/09/2023 09:38

HayleyhasheKeys · 07/09/2023 09:11

What about women who don’t want to coparent suddenly discovering the random internet donor does? Many years of court battles and upset follow that…

Obviously that can happen with one night stand’s/ casual relationships leading to accidental pregnancy… but to actively choose and go out of your way to put yourself and a child into that vulnerable position is a bit daft.

As millions of women know, once you have a child with a bloke you are stuck in some sort of relationship with him, whether he is a dick or not… it isn’t just ‘he is healthy with good sperm, I’m pregnant now- bye!’

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Yea of course this can happen and is a risk, but so it is in most ways people have babies- certainly not unique to informal sperm donation! - as the full family courts and many threads on mumsnet make clear. Contrary to your judgements, however, women who opt for “informal sperm donation” are not “actively choosing to put themselves and their child in that vulnerable position.” This situation is less likely to occur when people are upfront in advance about expectations and intentions .

HayleyhasheKeys · 07/09/2023 10:12

CoParents · 07/09/2023 09:38

Yea of course this can happen and is a risk, but so it is in most ways people have babies- certainly not unique to informal sperm donation! - as the full family courts and many threads on mumsnet make clear. Contrary to your judgements, however, women who opt for “informal sperm donation” are not “actively choosing to put themselves and their child in that vulnerable position.” This situation is less likely to occur when people are upfront in advance about expectations and intentions .

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Either having a baby with a bloke you are in a relationship with works out great, or it doesn’t. Having a baby with an un known donor either works out great, or it doesn’t.

One option has going for it the fact that you know the person well, know their history and their family and how they live day to day. You likely know how they interact with children in their or your family. You have experienced how they treat you when they are stressed/pissed off/struggling at work/ill etc. You know how they handle their finances, you know if they show up for you when you are in need.

If you meet someone on line and they tell you all about this stuff, you meet their family, have a blazing row and learn to come back from it, see how they react when a kid spills ribena on their new shirt and all the other life stuff that indicates that they will be a decent dad- brill, crack on.

But if you meet a bloke on line who you meet once, tells you xyz and you take it at face value and then you get pregnant, it’s much more risky in terms of being stuck forever having to co parent with someone who turns out to be a knob. Yes that can happen in a long relationship, but at least in a relationship you stood a chance of knowing what you were getting into!

The same as having a one night stand and getting pregnant… except women are going out of their way and planning to put themselves in that position.

CoParents · 07/09/2023 11:45

HayleyhasheKeys · 07/09/2023 10:12

Either having a baby with a bloke you are in a relationship with works out great, or it doesn’t. Having a baby with an un known donor either works out great, or it doesn’t.

One option has going for it the fact that you know the person well, know their history and their family and how they live day to day. You likely know how they interact with children in their or your family. You have experienced how they treat you when they are stressed/pissed off/struggling at work/ill etc. You know how they handle their finances, you know if they show up for you when you are in need.

If you meet someone on line and they tell you all about this stuff, you meet their family, have a blazing row and learn to come back from it, see how they react when a kid spills ribena on their new shirt and all the other life stuff that indicates that they will be a decent dad- brill, crack on.

But if you meet a bloke on line who you meet once, tells you xyz and you take it at face value and then you get pregnant, it’s much more risky in terms of being stuck forever having to co parent with someone who turns out to be a knob. Yes that can happen in a long relationship, but at least in a relationship you stood a chance of knowing what you were getting into!

The same as having a one night stand and getting pregnant… except women are going out of their way and planning to put themselves in that position.

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contrary to received wisdom in the uk, having a romantic relationship with a person for a long time does not necessarily provide an advantage in ensuring the longevity/ stability/ functionality of a coparenting relationship.
There are other ways of doing things, no better no worse.
Again you are conflating a lot of diff things; are you talking about informal sperm donation or coparenting? If copaeenting , then please be assured that the way I went about picking my coparent was nothing whatsoever like getting pregnant from a one night stand. Of course I could have considered that option too. That would have been much, much more irresponsible, and I would highly doubt it would have worked out anything like as well as my coparenting relqtipnship has so far.

HayleyhasheKeys · 07/09/2023 12:36

CoParents · 07/09/2023 11:45

contrary to received wisdom in the uk, having a romantic relationship with a person for a long time does not necessarily provide an advantage in ensuring the longevity/ stability/ functionality of a coparenting relationship.
There are other ways of doing things, no better no worse.
Again you are conflating a lot of diff things; are you talking about informal sperm donation or coparenting? If copaeenting , then please be assured that the way I went about picking my coparent was nothing whatsoever like getting pregnant from a one night stand. Of course I could have considered that option too. That would have been much, much more irresponsible, and I would highly doubt it would have worked out anything like as well as my coparenting relqtipnship has so far.

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You take offence really easily, and you are preaching to the choir love.

At no point did I say ‘alternative’ families are lesser, or that being in a long term relationship is a perfect indicator of being a good parent/co parent.

What I said was, the women who are meeting guys on line then once or twice for a brew, then getting pregnant by them (with or without sti checking) are taking a bigger risk. As are women who have one night stands and get pregnant. If you don’t think this is true why did you meet, get to know, sti check, draw up and agreement with or meet the family of your donor/co parent? Presumably you thought that those precautions are worth taking?

There isn’t a sure fire way of guaranteeing a good outcome in ANY situation.

CoParents · 07/09/2023 13:48

HayleyhasheKeys · 07/09/2023 12:36

You take offence really easily, and you are preaching to the choir love.

At no point did I say ‘alternative’ families are lesser, or that being in a long term relationship is a perfect indicator of being a good parent/co parent.

What I said was, the women who are meeting guys on line then once or twice for a brew, then getting pregnant by them (with or without sti checking) are taking a bigger risk. As are women who have one night stands and get pregnant. If you don’t think this is true why did you meet, get to know, sti check, draw up and agreement with or meet the family of your donor/co parent? Presumably you thought that those precautions are worth taking?

There isn’t a sure fire way of guaranteeing a good outcome in ANY situation.

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Yes sorry; i was out and read your message quickly and realised I missed the nuance. I think I’m defensive because a lot of the comments on this thread.
Yes, I agree, meeting a guy once and then deciding to use his sperm to get preg without STI tests etc is obviously reckless. As is - as you point out- having unprotected sex with a one night stand x

Teder · 07/09/2023 14:10

Perhapsperhapsto · 07/09/2023 09:21

‘The majority of anonymous sperm donors are from the US’

Not in the U.K. they aren’t. We got ours from a sperm bank. If anything it’s the Danes who are donating most to European spent banks.

Sorry I’m being really dim here but I meant anonymous sperm bank donors. There’s a wider variety from the US which is probably related to the sheer size of it!

Hoardasurass · 07/09/2023 19:15

@Teder there are no anonymous sperm banks in the UK it's illegal. All children created by doner sperm in the UK must be given the name of there sperm doner on request after they turn 18

Teder · 07/09/2023 20:48

Hoardasurass · 07/09/2023 19:15

@Teder there are no anonymous sperm banks in the UK it's illegal. All children created by doner sperm in the UK must be given the name of there sperm doner on request after they turn 18

I realise I used the wrong terminology. I am aware it is not anonymous. I am not sure of the exact wording I am aiming for but I am referring to the official, legal and regulated sperm banks.

Perhapsperhapsto · 08/09/2023 10:50

Yup, donor conceived kids in the U.K. have the right to know their donor’s details when they turn 18. As it should be.
it’s what led to the massive drop in U.K. donors

Perhapsperhapsto · 08/09/2023 10:51

‘Sorry I’m being really dim here but I meant anonymous sperm bank donors. ‘

look, you’re just wrong. If people who have actually used donor sperm in the U.K. tell you how not works, then that how it works!

Perhapsperhapsto · 08/09/2023 10:53

I think people who want ‘free’ sperm from guys on the internet are a bit mad - it’s risky, and given that buying sperm through regulated means Isn’t that expensive why would you risk it to save a grand or maybe two? Just get an interest free credit card!

but then I’ve met plenty of people who thing me and DP shouldn’t have used a donor to conceive at all.

Teder · 08/09/2023 13:27

Perhapsperhapsto · 08/09/2023 10:51

‘Sorry I’m being really dim here but I meant anonymous sperm bank donors. ‘

look, you’re just wrong. If people who have actually used donor sperm in the U.K. tell you how not works, then that how it works!

I have a donor conceived nephew and was very involved in the process to support my sister, attended all her clinic appts etc. I did say I used the wrong word. I don’t understand the need to argue. I was simply saying there are a lot of US sperm donors, likely because the population of the US is significantly larger than the U.K! That’s all. It wasn’t a judgement or negative statement.

PinkRoses1245 · 08/09/2023 13:30

I'd be seriously warning her off that - her plans sound very rose-tinted. There's no legal framework around her and her potential baby, that there is if she uses an official fertility clinic. If she has IUI it doesn't cost that much. And if she can't afford that, i'd be considering if she can afford a baby on her own.

PinkRoses1245 · 08/09/2023 13:31

And i'd be more worried about donors' health not being checked, you have no idea what you could be passing to your baby.

CoParents · 08/09/2023 14:18

Perhapsperhapsto · 08/09/2023 10:53

I think people who want ‘free’ sperm from guys on the internet are a bit mad - it’s risky, and given that buying sperm through regulated means Isn’t that expensive why would you risk it to save a grand or maybe two? Just get an interest free credit card!

but then I’ve met plenty of people who thing me and DP shouldn’t have used a donor to conceive at all.

using a sperm donor through regular means is very expensive.

Teder · 08/09/2023 16:08

CoParents · 08/09/2023 14:18

using a sperm donor through regular means is very expensive.

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yep, I believe it’s about £2k approx so if you need multiple inseminations, it can certainly rather quickly add up to a huge amount.

TheWayofBeing · 08/09/2023 18:36

The main reason I wouldn't do it is because if they have hundreds of children it increases the chance your child will accidentally paid up with a half sibling when of childbearing age themselves.

The second reason is in case they're a peadophile and file for custody.

Symphony830 · 08/09/2023 19:05

Your friend would be much better looking at the Danish fertility clinics.

10 years ago I went with my friend, age 35,to the most well-known clinic, in Copenhagen, at the time and she had donor IUI.

She had to complete an extensive questionnaire and was responsible for having a number of blood tests - full STI testing and some other quite obscure and pricey ones.

She picked the donor from a list and was given the option of a “known” donor or an “unknown” donor.

Then, she did the ovulation tests until they registered positive and off we flew to Copenhagen the following day.

It took two attempts for her to fall pregnant.

She has subsequently taken her son back across to Denmark for meet ups with other donor conceived children from the clinic.

This was a very good route for my friend as it was highly organised, very professional and in a safe clinical environment.

There used to be a big fertility forum that I used when I was trying to conceive and that had a section specifically for single women trying to conceive via donor insemination. It was fascinating but had a couple of horror stories concerning women who had found Co-parents but then when pregnant discovered they were not the only women these men had got pregnant.

I had a look for that forum and it’s still active .

Symphony830 · 08/09/2023 19:07

The blood testing I would hazard a guess was £1k. She also had an HCG(?) via NHS.

I think the donor spent was £1k a time then hotel and flight.

Confusedgrownup · 18/02/2024 18:25

Sporkle99 · 04/09/2023 11:54

....and I can't believe women actually use some of them! My friend is looking to have a child via a sperm donor, but doesn't want to spend thousands and has been looking online on an app called just a baby. She's looking to find someone she can get to know for some time then co parent (she knows I am posting here about our discoveries on the app last night). There are men on there who literally state that they have a pregnancy kink and they want to 'plant their seed and watch it grow' with a link to 'verified reviews' from women who state things like 'we both got what we wanted out of it. He's super reliable, kind, etc etc'. Some of them are ex sperm bank donors who reached the maximum limit and are now fathering 100+ children via these apps.

I also considered going it alone but couldn't find a way that morally sat right with me. My friend is now starting to feel the same.

Has anyone else come across this before? My eyes were opened pretty wide last night. Absolutely bonkers. Just can't imagine ever learning that I was conceived partly to fulfil someone's kink....

Not sure what I want from this thread other than a little decompression!

Just posting about a page on fb for Sperm donations, it is weird. My bf is a member but I found out by snooping. I haven't spoken to him about it yet, but I do find it weird and some of the guys on there are very creepy. You have to be in some desperate state of mind to consider this. Even if you are stating only AI