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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel like I am in an abusive relationship with my 4 year old

7 replies

Holidaynightmares · 04/09/2023 10:07

NC for this.

My 4 year old girl has been a complete nightmare over the holidays and is becoming increasingly aggressive.

Yesterday, she had a huge tantrum in the supermarket, screaming ‘I hate you’ and then bit me, hard. I think (although she didn’t actually say) that this was because she wanted a treat, when we were just in there to get a couple of quick things.

Today, we were going out again and I asked her, twice, if she needed the toilet first. On both occasions she said no. However, as soon as I went in the toilet she flew into a rage and hit me as hard as she could from behind, when I was washing my hands. Apparently she wanted to use the toilet first.

In recent weeks she has also hit me, kicked me, scratched me and pulled clumps of my hair out. I feel like I am living in a nightmare where I am abused multiple times every day. No behaviour management makes any difference at all and I am at my wits end. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t had her, to be honest.

Help please! She is the youngest of four and never had anything like this with the others. I asked the health visitor for support some weeks ago but nothing they have said makes any difference…

OP posts:
Letsgotitans · 04/09/2023 10:13

Is she in a nursery? Sounds like you need referral to paediatrician which you can get through your GP. If there are additional needs the paediatrician should be able to diagnose. If you can afford to go private it would save you a lot of time.

Cloudburstings · 04/09/2023 10:16

A relatives child showed this sort of behaviour at a similar age. They struggled on for years. It only ever happened with close family at home.

aged 10 she’s just got an autism diagnosis.

it sounds well past normal tantrum behaviour. A diagnosis isn’t a fix but can help you find the strategies that work for her and your family.

imtoooldforthisshite · 04/09/2023 10:17

Probably not a pc reply but I would come down on this like a ton of bricks. She is old enough to know better, consequences and actions. No treats, no trips, no screens etc. Obviously lots of positive reinforcement for good behaviour/ good listening. It will get worse, and she will end up really hurting you/ her siblings/ kids at school. I know it's heartbreaking but you have to be really strong x

Dollmeup · 04/09/2023 10:19

See if her school or nursery can make a referral to have this investigated. Mine was similar and went on to have an autism diagnosis.

The strategies for managing behaviour are different if they have additional needs.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 04/09/2023 10:22

Okay first things first, calm down.

I can imagine how horrible this is for you, but she is not abusive, she is FOUR. A four year old child. I don't know if maybe having older children is causing you to expect more from her and put more mature motivations onto her behaviour, but she is only 4. She is not trying to abuse you, she probably barely understands that she is upsetting you. She hasn't got the emotional sophistication for that. So for starters try and take the emotion out of it a bit; it's perfectly natural to be upset, hurt, and anxious; but don't demonise her or position yourself as a passive victim with no power. You are the adult; you have ALL the power.

Are you saying your other 3 children never acted up? Never went through a hitting or a biting phase? Never pushed your boundaries? If so, you have been astonishingly lucky thus far.

How are her communication skills? Has she got any delays? is SEN suspected? This is important context for understanding the behaviour.

What are her triggers? Or does she just wake up spoiling for a fight?

Is this behaviour new or has she always been reactive/violent/difficult to control? This would bring me back to the question re SEN and communication skills.

In terms of managing the behaviour, at this point you have to protect yourself - if that means putting her in a different, safe room away from you or even shutting yourself in a different room (leaving her somewhere safe and secure), or gently restraining her so she can't hurt you or herself if not at home, then do it. Throughout this you should be calm, and verbalise to her "I can see you are feeling angry/frustrated/upset, but I will not let you hurt me." Suggest other ways she could get her feelings out (punch a cushion for e.g.) and offer her comfort (in whatever form will work for her, for some kids it's a hug, for others a hand-hold, or to talk about their feelings) when she is ready to receive it. If she repeats or escalates the violent behaviour, return her to the safe space or re-restrain and repeat until the storm passes.

Unless she is a particularly large or strong 4 yo or you are particularly petite, you should still have the physical advantage and be able to overpower her without hurting her. If you struggle to move her to a safe space or to restrain her from hurting you, do you have any back-up - another adult like a partner or one of her older siblings - who can support you?

God idea re HV. But I think the most important thing to do right now is check your attitude towards her - she is not abusing you, you are not her victim, she is 4 years old and her behaviour is communication. If you take this victim role, she will feel even more scared and out of control and her behaviour will escalate. You need to be her calm place in the storm. She needs to know exactly what you will do in response to the behaviour - and what you won't do. She needs calm, loving, rock hard boundaries. You can't give her those if you are in a victim mindset.

caramac04 · 04/09/2023 10:28

Very good advice from @herewegoroundthebastardbush
I would also suggest looking at The Solihull Approach, a parent’s behaviour management programme. If there’s one being run locally your HV can refer you or you can do this online.

CaffeineAndCrochet · 04/09/2023 10:37

As well as the other suggestions, it sounds like she needs a little more from you in terms of letting her know what's going to happen. So telling her in advance that you're going to shop to pick up bread, milk, etc. but that there won't be any treats. Or when she says no to the toilet, telling her that's ok but you're just going to use it first before you go. In short, letting her know what's about to happen as much as you can so she knows what to expect.

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