Relatively long back story - not sure how much is relevant but including all just in case! I’m really really not one to keep £££’s track on relationships - but in this case it sort of an important part of the story (in my mind anyway). I’m not losing sleep over this - just mildly annoyed.
So DH & BIL have a very significant age difference and BIL still lives in their home country. When I met DH, BIL was a child. For various complicated cultural and family reasons, we fully financially supported BIL (and his siblings & DH’s parents) whilst BIL was growing up. This includes building the house he now lives in, and buying the car he now drives. We also paid for his wedding, and set up his business. We initially financed the business but he now operates it himself and is financially very very well off in terms of his own country (and even in UK terms).
The complication is that the business BIL operates can only work if DH performs a certain task in the UK. He spends about 3-4 hrs a week on it (on top of his day job) for which he does not take any payment at all. BIL probably does a similar amount of work and takes all the very significant profit. DH is totally ok with this and would never take profit from his family. He doesn’t mind doing the tasks. Occasionally, DH doesn’t have time to do his bit, and I do it for him (maybe 10-15 mins a day x 6 per month). If I don’t do it, BIL wouldn’t actually lose out as DH would do a few days later. Previously, the work was quite intrusive in our lives, but now not so much.
So fast forward to holidays. When we go to their home country, we stay with them (in the house we build, but they live in). It’s an expensive business hosting their large family, so we usually do a big shop and take people out for a meal 1 night. Other siblings maybe get everyone a takeaway one night - so the costs are somewhat shared. Over all the years, BIL has never taken us out for a meal or even a cup of coffee / ice cream or as far as I’m aware expressed any gratitude for what we have done / do.
This year we only stayed for a long weekend at “their” house (we paid for a takeaway 1 night, we were out 1 night at a ‘do’ without them, and they made dinner 2 nights. We didn’t contribute any shopping). We then all went on hols for a few days together.
The first day, we went for lunch - 5 of us at one table (incl DH, BIL, me & 2 kids). There was another table of about 8 from our family also in the restaurant (others were still at the beach). After we’d eaten, BIL wanted to leave and so dropped £20 on the table for his food + the 2 kids (but specifically not to cover our food). DH said ‘don’t be ridiculous’ (ambiguous as to what exactly he meant) and BIL picked up his £20, agreed timings for the rest of the day and left. DH paid for our table, and the other family table before we left.
During the rest of the hols, DH & other siblings took turns to pay the bills or sharing the bill between a couple of them. It’s not in their culture for everyone to contribute their share. BIL didn’t put his hand in his pocket once.
To be honest it left me with a pretty bad taste, and really not feeling like helping out with his business at all when he seems roughly 0% grateful. I wasn’t in any way expecting him to fund us - but at least cover similar to everyone else (or even get us a coffee or ice cream or something). DH was annoyed about the lunch situation too, and mentioned to siblings but definitely hasn’t changed his commitment to the business.
so…
IABU - don’t be so petty - the sums of money are small in the grand scheme, and in any case, they fed us 2 nights when staying with them. Just do your bit in the business (for DH’s sake) and don’t keep track.
IANBU - The actual money isn’t the point: BIL obviously doesn’t appreciate the help, so don’t give it. Let DH do what he wants but don’t put yourself out (even the tiny bit that you currently do).