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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - hipocrisy

22 replies

Bonkaz · 04/09/2023 07:33

My (31f) partner (42m) is angry at me (again) for oversleeping. I didn't set my first alarm for 6.30 and so woke up on my 2nd alarm at 6.45. I got up and went into his room to say good morning (we don't sleep in the same room because he snores) and he was so angry at me because I was late up. The only reason I had to get up this morning was to make his dinner and make sure he was ready for work. He doesn't leave til 8am, the kids are on summer holidays so I didn't need the car. He said I was irresponsible and he couldn't rely on me and got really angry and now won't speak to me. The reason I'm so annoyed is because he then didn't get out of bed until 7.30, and refused to speak to me at all and likely won't now for several days. He's saying that because I'm such a let down, and he can't rely on me, that he wants to leave me. Says I don't do enough round the house and that I'll always let him down. I don't know if I'm just generally not seeing a bigger picture, but to me, it's so trivial. If I don't need to get up, I don't need to go anywhere or do anything today, why is he so angry. I've made his dinner, got his clothes out and gone back into my room, so everything I needed to do was done before he even got out of bed.

OP posts:

Willmafrockfit · 04/09/2023 07:36

let him leave
he needs his own alarm clock

Flightorflounder · 04/09/2023 07:36

He is a grown ass man who can set his own alarms. You don't need this shit. Start making plans to leave, it will be best the best thing youve done for yourself.

beforeafter · 04/09/2023 07:37

You know the answer to this. He's a big boy and can get himself up and out of bed. You're not his personal alarm clock. Why can't he have his own alarm in his room? Eurghhh this type of man infuriates me.

I want to say LTB as I can't see why you'd want to with someone who treats you like that, but you have kids and maybe he doesn't realise he's being a massive d*ck... but... he is. You know it too. Do you want another forty years of this sort of behaviour?

EnjoyingTheSilence · 04/09/2023 07:37

why doesn’t he have his own alarm? Why are you having to get up when you don’t need to? He wants to leave, pack his bags for him and let him go. This is all about control, you’re not doing anything wrong. He is abusive but because he’s not using violence it’s difficult for you to see.

Kaibashira · 04/09/2023 07:42

So to summarise:

he can't wake up himself but you're unreliable?
he can't even get his own clothes out (at 42 years old) but you don't do enough around the house?
he's grumpy, ungrateful, lazy, and vindictive but HE might leave YOU?

Unless there is a massive backstory he sounds like an absolute bellend. And if this is how he generally treats you - just leave him and he can find out the hard way what happens when you treat your spouse like shit..

Original poster

Bonkaz · 04/09/2023 07:56

I think I've mistyped, so he does have his own alarms, which go off at the same time as mine, but he lays in bed reading until 7.30. So he's awake, but not up, if that makes sense. But he's angry because I didn't get up early enough.

OP posts:

Willmafrockfit · 04/09/2023 07:57

please stand up for yourself op

DifficultBloodyWoman · 04/09/2023 07:59

He's saying that because I'm such a let down, and he can't rely on me, that he wants to leave me.

You should help him pack.

Elfandwellbeing · 04/09/2023 08:00

Most ridiculous thing ever. You are a live in servant. I hope he pays you well so that you can save up your money and leave this cockroach!

Elfandwellbeing · 04/09/2023 08:01

I take that back…it’s too generous.. pack his lazy bastard bags and kick him out! Why do you put up with this shit???

Original poster

Bonkaz · 04/09/2023 08:04

The massive back story is that I make silly little mistakes all the time. Things like forgetting own clothes day and having to rush round getting DS changed at the last second, I'm messy and it takes a lot of effort for me to keep on top of things, and I am very forgetful. I was diagnosed with adhd last year and since then, things have got better but it's all the past stuff that he can't get past.
He has been physically and verbally abusive and I keep telling myself that if I get better, he will. But I'm starting to see that that isn't the case. If I say I want to leave, he says he's taking the kids, so I put up with it. He's threatened to lie to the police so that I lose them, he's said he would rather lose them than see them with me and things.

Ive tried every way I can think of to get out of this, without going to the police, because for the most part, he's a good dad, and I don't want either of us to not see the kids. But I literally cannot deal with this anymore. The reason I'm 'oversleeping' is partly because I'm not sleeping at night. Even when we get on I'm dreaming of the abuse and I cannot sleep. Im exhausted. So yeah, in the mornings, I don't particularly want to get up because it's just another day in hell.

Sorry to go so heavy. I'm tired of keeping it all in and hiding it.

OP posts:

Ratfinkstinkypink · 04/09/2023 08:08

He's not a good dad. He's the polar opposite of a good dad so please put that idea out of your head. Have you spoken to Women's Aid?

DifficultBloodyWoman · 04/09/2023 08:08

Women’s Aid = 1800RESPECT = 1800 737 732

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You are not going to live happily ever after.
It is easier to split sooner rather than later.
Please use the contact details above.

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

midgemadgemodge · 04/09/2023 08:10

I didn't need to get up today but my partner (m) did

Just before he left he brought me tea in bed

You - any woman - deserve that kind of man

midgemadgemodge · 04/09/2023 08:12

I make mistakes sometimes

It's part of being human

My partner would never criticise that even if it made work for him

Original poster

Bonkaz · 04/09/2023 08:12

I've spoke to domestic abuse services, but as I say, the only reason I haven't left is because I'm scared that if I do, he will get worse and worse and I'll lose the kids.
I spoke to someone last week because he sent me a message saying he was going to hurt me and he would do time and lose the kids before he ever let me have them, and it scared me so much. So I told him how sorry I was and that I'd do anything to make it right. I was terrified.
He love bombs me, and makes me feel like I can believe him, and it's only when this happens again that I start thinking no this isn't OK. I'm constantly walking on eggshells.

I know that this isn't right, I don't feel safe. But I don't know how to leave.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bonkaz · 04/09/2023 08:14

We've been together 11 years and I've never had breakfast or tea in bed. I didn't even think that was a real thing outside films. Thank you 🧡

OP posts:

midgemadgemodge · 04/09/2023 08:15

Women aid will explain all

Please keep any bad message he sends you

Please don't worry about losing the children - it's an empty threat

By leaving you show the children a good role model

LemonPeonies · 04/09/2023 08:16

Whatttt? My exH who was abusive used to pull shit like this until I saw sense. Making people get up early/ deliberately depriving them of sleep is a form of abuse. Please leave, especially if you have children. Trust me your life will be 10000× better.

midgemadgemodge · 04/09/2023 08:17

Btw my great partner is my second attempt - the first was pretty dreadful - I am so glad I left him all those years ago

poetryandwine · 04/09/2023 08:23

I am so sorry for what you are going through, OP.

Everyone makes mistakes. No one deserves abuse.

This guy isn’t really interested in taking the children. He is so lazy! Can you see him taking care of them without you? He is just saying that to scare you.

Call Women’s Aid today - please.

Kaibashira · 04/09/2023 08:54

He's not a great dad.

Please, do what other posters have suggested and call women's aid.

As for taking the kids away from you, when push comes to shove a man who can't get out of bed unprompted and doesn't get his own clothes ready isn't actually interested in the daily grind of looking after children.

Be brave, leave him. Good luck.

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