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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be petty or not? Re: birthday

28 replies

whatwrong · 04/09/2023 01:29

My DD started school last September in a type of school that has a huge intake at year 3. She’s a quiet, sensitive and sweet child and got friendly with a group of lovely girls straight away. Even though she had this group, last year she got invited to Only ONE party! even though this was the case I still invited whole class to her birthday which was lovely for her and I could tell everyone really likes her. One girl even said infront of me she really wanted my DD to come to her birthday last month but her mum said no. I didn’t think much of this tbh and thought maybe they can’t afford too many kids and having a small one. I obviously didn’t question the mum!

Had coffee with the only mum who invited us to her DD’s party over the holidays and she brought up the subject how it’s nasty they don’t invite my DD to the parties. I seriously thought nothing of it till she told me there’s been lots of parties both for the girls and boys. I feel heartbroken for my DD.

my AIBU is knowing what I know now should I just invite people that will invite us this coming year (I’m hoping by us having had whole class party people might invite her this year) or shall I be petty and just keep it to her old school friends and other friends outside of school? Plus maybe the one or two people that will invite us? DD is one of youngest in class so most people would already have had a party before hers comes. WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
whatwrong · 04/09/2023 01:33

DD knew about these parties as she would come home and say to me casually “X,Y,Z Having a party this weekend”, she never got upset it was very factual and she did a few times ask me to phone the mother if she could come but I didn’t. I genuinely thought they were having smaller parties not nearly whole class.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatwrong · 04/09/2023 01:40

Anyone?

OP posts:
User10932 · 04/09/2023 01:44

So sorry to hear that 😞. I guess at this age you have to take your DD lead and invite whomever she wants. I’d probably suggest to her to have smaller parties ie a sleepover or cinema trip so that you’re not inviting an entire class of chn who’s parents are purposely not including yours.
Hope you’re ok! Playground politics suck!

Original poster
whatwrong · 04/09/2023 01:47

Thanks @User10932 im nursing my youngest at the moment so feeling quite tearful with lack of sleep and kind of that I failed her. I feel if I wasn’t so nice to everyone and maybe acted a little stuck up like they do then she would be more popular! I know it sounds silly but I feel I’m letting her down as the kids all like her so the common issue I can see is me.

OP posts:
Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 04/09/2023 02:22

I would just do parties with non school friends. Inviting the school kids won’t get her invitations to other kids parties. Another option is to just invite the kids who invite her and go all out.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 04/09/2023 02:29

I'm struggling a bit to understand if you think parents have deliberately not invited your daughter to parties when they've been inviting lots of others/the whole class. Or do you just mean that she hasn't made the cut? Perhaps because she is quiet or not in the group of most popular children? For it to be "nasty" it would have to be a deliberate concerted action and surely most parents won't know who has been invited to other people's parties.

If her party is at the end of the year you can try inviting them all to a large party but if it hasn't worked once it probably isn't going to make them all reciprocate. In which case I would save money and have a smaller party, or spend the same amount but do something extravagant with her small group of close friends

Original poster
whatwrong · 04/09/2023 02:39

@Someoneonlyyouknow “nasty” was the word said from another school mum. She went into details about all the parties my DD missed. I would never have known if she didn’t tell me. I’m not on any social media so would not have seen the pics etc. she told me about the parties. I even tried to minimise it but she kept saying how nasty it is and how inclusive she is as she invited everyone.

OP posts:
Someoneonlyyouknow · 04/09/2023 02:50

I saw that the other mum described it as nasty behaviour and she seems to think your daughter is being deliberately left out by parents although her classmates like her. Did you ask her why? Although I realise that would be difficult to do. I think if your daughter is happy at school and you both know she has friends that is the most important thing. I would play down other parties ("most people can only invite a few to their party") and hope that she doesn't think she's getting less invites than others. Maybe make sure you do something special on Saturday afternoons together

PostMasting · 04/09/2023 02:50

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MixedCouple · 04/09/2023 02:56

Have to say in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter.
I had a similar experience as a child. Had 0 affect on me, dont think about it and I am fine.

I think you should do what you went and wheat your daughter wants. If she wants all her class mates go ahead if not then fine. She is bot going to remember all the silly unimportant things from her toddler/early school years.

As she gets older her friend group will form properly and usually the parents get closer by default. And those are the people she will care about.

babyboyjune23 · 04/09/2023 03:05

Firstly, I think you need to ask yourself why this other mum is telling you these things- sounds like a bit of a stirrer to me!! Also, there are loads of reasons why children don't make the 'cut' to birthday parties. Our DD has had 3 parties in a row and I've just invited the whole class, but we sometimes do/don't get an invite to some we would and wouldn't expect to get one to. I would personally just send the invite out to them all- it will be a great day and your DC will have a lovely time with all her friends. It might even put your mind at rest with everyone there. There's nothing to worry about and you definitely haven't 'failed' her. There's always a bit of chaos around organising parties and sometimes people don't get invited for whatever reason- don't overthink it and stop letting your 'friend' plant seeds in your mind.

KnowledgeableMomma · 04/09/2023 03:07

Did the other mum say WHY DD is not invited to parties?

PeopleAreFuckingHorribleSometimes · 04/09/2023 03:22

whatwrong · 04/09/2023 02:39

@Someoneonlyyouknow “nasty” was the word said from another school mum. She went into details about all the parties my DD missed. I would never have known if she didn’t tell me. I’m not on any social media so would not have seen the pics etc. she told me about the parties. I even tried to minimise it but she kept saying how nasty it is and how inclusive she is as she invited everyone.

Sorry to add to your woes OP, but I don't think this "school mum friend" is a friend at all.

There was no need for her to pile it on thickly, or to go into such detail. You've tried to shrug it off but she seems intent on making you feel bad. She's stirring things - for what reason, I don't know. But she certainly doesn't have your or DD's best interests at heart.

As PP have said, it's not "nasty" unless the whole class has been invited and your DD has been deliberately left out. That doesn't sound as if it's the case? At this very young age it can be tricky working out who to invite unless you do a whole class thing. If your DD is happy, then I think that's all that you need to worry about.

Whether you try again for a whole class invite to try and forge some connections or you said sod it and just invite her friends for a little bash - it's up to you. Honestly I'd just go with whichever option is likely to make DD the happiest (and that you can afford!)

PostMasting · 04/09/2023 03:43

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CherryMaDeara · 04/09/2023 03:44

I still invited whole class to her birthday which was lovely for her and I could tell everyone really likes her.

How many kids came to dd’s party?

If the parents brought their kids to her party then it seems unlikely to me that they don’t like you or dd.

It’s possible this woman is shit stirring a bit and trying to keep you from reaching out to the other mums. The other kids could have had smaller parties.

The first poster is right, be led by what your dd wants, as it doesn’t sound like any child is being mean to her.

Hopefully dd will get more invites now she’s had a whole class party.

Why not join social media if there’s a parents group? Are there any kids dd likes that you could invite for a playdate?

PostMasting · 04/09/2023 03:44

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
whatwrong · 04/09/2023 08:35

Really good advice. Thank you everyone. I didn’t read Postmaster comments and they deleted now. Anyone have any idea what they wrote?!

OP posts:
PeopleAreFuckingHorribleSometimes · 04/09/2023 08:54

whatwrong · 04/09/2023 08:35

Really good advice. Thank you everyone. I didn’t read Postmaster comments and they deleted now. Anyone have any idea what they wrote?!

I didn't see what they wrote on here in particular but Postmaster basically spammed all the threads in Trending all night long. They're a troll who piled in talking shite on a whole host of threads last night - all of their comments have been deleted as they were rude and abusive. Whatever they said wouldn't have been worth your time. Usual night-time dickhead troll.

CherryMaDeara · 04/09/2023 09:03

whatwrong · 04/09/2023 08:35

Really good advice. Thank you everyone. I didn’t read Postmaster comments and they deleted now. Anyone have any idea what they wrote?!

Nothing to do with you OP, they’ve been posting expletives on about 100 threads.

TropicalTrama · 04/09/2023 09:04

Did the other mum say why she thinks it’s nasty and deliberate? Any chance she’s just stirring it up? If it’s a class of 30 but the other kids invited 5 to their party, and your DD would have been no.6 or 7 on the list because they like her and they’re friends, just not best friends then that’s just unlucky it keeps happening. I’d expect that this coming year she’ll get more reciprocal invites.

Original poster
whatwrong · 04/09/2023 11:49

It’s 20 kids in the class and seems like last few ones all girls were invited except mine. They were all added to a WhatsApp for each party and this mum showed me. I didn’t read it in depth but it seemed like all girls had been invited. I do have self awareness and I know it’s nothing to do with my DD as in her birthday 18 kids came. Only 2 didn’t come as had family events so they must like her? I’m confused.

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 04/09/2023 11:51

Any ideas why they wouldn’t invite her. It seems really weird tbh

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 04/09/2023 11:56

It might be something as simple as they are working off old class lists. I agree with PP. this mother is a shit stirrer and if your DD is new to an established class it’s not surprising. Keep at it, keep building relationships and don’t react to this woman’s meddling.

Nanny0gg · 04/09/2023 12:25

Is there a class WhatsApp group you haven't joined?

Ask someone if there is one

BeatBoy · 04/09/2023 12:49

I think you need to ask yourself why this other mum is telling you these things- sounds like a bit of a stirrer to me!!

This was my thought. Especially when op had tried to minimise it.

I even tried to minimise it but she kept saying how nasty it is and how inclusive she is as she invited everyone.

She is either trying to make the others look bad, herself look really good or both.