Sorry it's long. Didn't want to drip feed.
I am at a loss, there is nothing I can physically do to help and the thought of just nodding and not sharing my rage at what this woman is putting my children through is ripping me a part. DS 13 DD 11. CAO in place, every second weekend and a mid week. 50% of holidays they go to DFs house.
It's a long, horrible story but to summarise. Their Dad is a DA. I'm convinced his GF is emotionally abusing and punishing my DC. They have 4 other children together.
Police and SS have been involved numerous times since they were little. Police wanted to charge their DF with assault of DS but there was not enough evidence, he was 9. SS a waste of space and we don't meet threshold. We chug along, we try coparent with them, but anything we suggest is a no. Anything we want to prevent is suddenly something they agree with and won't support our view. He'd argue snow was purple if I suggested it was white. I keep my mouth shut as much as possible because the kids end up getting it and stuck in the middle.
The GF has been getting stranger over the years, it's got worse since the assault, but no physical abuse bar aggressively shampooing ds hair a couple of weeks ago. Dd told us tonight, DS hadn't shared this. She said it looked like she was pulling his hair up forcibly when 'teaching' him to wash his hair properly. Dd said he was visibly shaken and upset but said nothing to the GF. Just disappeared to his room.
She is force feeding them, food they don't like. Every mouth full or else they get into trouble with their dad. So they do it. Food she knows they can't stand she will cook and force them. DS is ASD (though they tell him he isn't), has strong sensory issues with food smells and textures. They force him to eat those foods whilst he is crying. DD is vegetarian. They force her to eat vegi food which has been cooked on or with meat. But anything they hate - she deliberately cooks and watches them eat it.
They don't let them out to see friends unless certain conditions have been met, and then change the goal posts. They dare ask when they can go, because it will extend the quarantine.
They won't let them have their phones, unless under certain conditions but regularly whole weekends and holidays weeks will pass and they're not allowed them. Sometimes they are allowed an hour. They are not allowed to contact their friends and family 'from their mums world' ie their friends from School. We've been told they are too young for phones and they have their family so don't need their friends via email. DS got hurt when out jogging, 2 miles from home, no way of contacting anyone for help. He walked the two miles back with his injury. They took him to a&e 2 hours later, the other dc needed pancakes first. Then DF needed to finish his coffee. He wasn't allowed his phone at hospital or to contact me to tell me he was going.
DD was told she could have one hour on her phone when the other children calmed down. She sat on the sofa and waited. She said around 45 mins later, the other children calmed so she asked for her phone. She was told no, because she was moping. She was forced to go play in heavy rain so she could get 'energised', whilst GF watched from the window, and she had to pretend to be happy before she was allowed it.
I'm not UK born, been here most of my life. My DC though born here, their heritage is that they are half English (DF) and half from my motherland. She tells them no, you are not, you are fully English and she won't hear another word.
She throws away their toys/games, and allows her 4 young DC (not their fault) to trash the ones they are allowed.
I want to tell them both to stand up and make it clear they will not accept living like that anymore. That things need to
Change because what is happening is not right. DD was sobbing, she doesn't want to be controlled anymore. AIBU? What should I be doing if I can't do this?
My heart is breaking for them. We have no where to turn for help or advise. I don't want to speak ill of their dad or his GF but it's getting increasingly hard to bite my tongue (there is so so much more than the above, years and years of his control and emotional/financial/physical abuse towards me despite separating from him) I am not a fan of his to put it bluntly.
This is first time DD has spoken out since the assault on DS. She's stayed quiet since then and only spoken highly of DF and GF. It turns out she's been harbouring years of this behaviour towards her. She doesn't know what to do, and is too scared to say something. If I say something, it will make it 1000% worse for them both in his care.
There is so much more, if you've got this far, thanks for reading