I think you need to make some friends who have children and maybe put your friendship with these women on hold until your kids are a bit older.
I’m childfree and I’ll be brutally honest that my heart sinks when I make plans with my friends who have kids and they bring them along.
it’s like a specific form of Tourette’s talking to a mother when her kids are there, it’s usually a case of
“Did you get your results from… STOP HITTING YOUR SISTER.. what was I saying? Oh yes, did you? I SAID PUT THAT DOWN… how is Sarah haven’t seen her in… THATS DIRTY DON’T EAT IT…”
Its also hard because you have to censor everything you say and can’t speak openly, there is no point in having a proper conversation as you either don’t have the full attention of a friend or you don’t want their child telling the milkman “Mummies friend said someone is a blow job, what’s a blow job?” (True story)
kids are always listening even when you think they aren’t.
My friends with kids often can’t get babysitters for nights out and feel upset and left out. Sometimes they ask if we can all go round up their house for drinks, that’s fine once in a while but then the kids get excited and keep coming downstairs, you have to keep the noise down etc..
When you work hard all week sometimes you want to go out and drink and dance and socialise, or go to a restaurant without worrying about keeping the kids entertained. But again the main issue is you still never have the full focus and attention and you can’t properly relax and speak freely because a lot of adult topics are inappropriate for young ears.
Some of my friends say “we try not to talk about the kids all the time” but they don’t realise that’s not the main issue. I like to hear about my friends kids, I genuinely take an interest, it’s not the talking about them that’s the problem.
I also used to have days out with my friends and their kids in family friendly places but then it quickly grew frustrating because other kids would run over, something always got spilt, there were tantrums when they couldn’t get a toy, they would be overexcited and scream. I wouldn’t get a chance to say two words to my friends and would go home with a headache and bruises.
Other parents are used to all this and aren’t phased by it.
I’ve known my best friend since I was 14, we are as close as sisters but when her kids were young we didn’t see each other much. We used to have long phone calls and text and even email but she met up with other parents and I went out with my single friends. There was no resentment we were just in different stages of life, she knew that it was pointless trying to get together with her kids fighting for her attention and I learnt not to say “blow job” no matter how focused her kids appeared to be on the TV 😂.
Her kids are older now, one is an adult and she has two teenage girls, the girls come shopping with us and we go out for tea and they are great company. They can also be left at home when we go for spa breaks and nights out.
If it’s a true friendship then it’ll survive a few years of reduced face to face time.
Your kids are young and I’m sorry to say it but no one finds other people’s kids that interesting - not even other parents. My friend says other people’s kids are an “inconvenience” she has kids and said it affectionately. But as soon as they get a bit older I’m sure you’ll be close with your friends again, if they have kids then you’ll be a huge support as you’ve been through it.
I can imagine it must be hard for you and you miss them but the dynamic has changed and there will be times you won’t be able to join in if you can’t get childcare. I had no idea how sacred childcare was and how expensive until recently, I always assumed my friends were exaggerating to get out of things. Reading mumsnet posts has opened my eyes and I actually wish I’d offered to babysit for my friends more when their kids were young.
I know this is a long post but I’ve seen a few posts like yours and I’ve rarely seen anyone reply from a childfree point of view. I wanted to be as honest as possible but at the same time to reassure you that I’m sure your friendships will survive.
In the past I would have suggested making an effort to find childcare and enjoy a night out, I know now that if you could then I’m sure you would love to.
My advice (for what it’s worth) is to be honest with your friends about how you are feeling. If my friends had opened up to me earlier I’d have done more babysitting and made more of an effort to go round when the kids were asleep or at school.
Your friends probably don’t realise how left out you are feeling and probably think (like I did) that you are busy with your children and don’t want to leave them and are making excuses about childcare.
Also definitely make friends with other mums with kids (if you haven’t already) My friends said their other parent friends were invaluable with advice and support and even traded childcare.
I hope you do get a chance to sit and talk to your friends about how you are feeling and find some time together. I’m 39 and most of my friends were young parents so I felt left out for a long period of time whilst they all talked about babies, I often felt the odd one out and sometimes pitied and immature. It’s difficult to be childfree and constantly having to defend your life choices, I also didn’t understand how difficult it was to be a parent. There is a lot more honestly about it now and that’s why I wish I’d had that understanding when my friends kids were younger.
Friends are important, they are a huge part of our identity and true friends are hard to find, if you’ve known your friends since school then that’s a part of your shared history. Tell your friends you felt hurt when they went out together without you and try to plan times you can see each other to talk uninterrupted- maybe when your kids have gone to bed?
Good luck!