New neighbours - what will they think?

[PickledFox]

I have new neighbours.

I was married, had a child then divorced. Have subsequently had another child with someone else and that all went wrong and we are no longer together. So single mum, two kids with two different dads.

The new people next door are a lovely, very friendly young Muslim couple.

Obviously very different views on marriage, kids etc. What will they think of my situation? The lady was trying to get info about my family set-up from me earlier, I just changed the subject.

I have done enough self-judgement (something I’m still working on) which is I suppose why I'm so bothered.

What will they think of me?

My partner is Iranian and was brought up as a Muslim and I’m English and brought up non - religious, we’ve been together almost 10 years and I’m married to another Muslim man!

My marriage didn’t work out and I met my partner two years after we separated. I’ve never bothered to get a divorce as I got married abroad and I don’t even know where my husband is.
My family were more disapproving then his Muslim family in some way ways.

Most Muslim people don’t live squeaky clean lives, divorce happens and people have babies with different partners. In Iran you can get married temporarily in order to have sex and a lot of men sleep with prostitutes. Before marriage women have anal sex so they pass a virginity test (if there is one) or so they can claim they are still a virgin.

Most Muslim people I know smoke, drink and have different partners before marriage.
My husbands sisters were strict practising Muslims though, they would never dream of showing hair, dressed modestly, prayed daily and one girl nearly died from dehydration during Ramadan but still refused to break her fast.
These women never judged me though and I was a bit of a wild child growing up, they saw me for the person I am and not my past.

I think the chances are that your neighbour was trying to be friendly and show and interest in you. You have actually been more judgemental assuming they would hold any strong opinions on your personal situation.

I’m sure when you get to know them you’ll become friends- or at least friendly. Most Muslims can’t do enough to help you and are lovely warm people. A lot of Muslim people come from a culture that’s totally different to ours, in the UK everyone is self - sufficient and keeps themselves to themselves. Most Muslim cultures are different and more community minded and everyone sticks together to help each other. In poorer countries people share resources and childcare rather then in the UK where everyone just looks out for themselves.

If they do hold any strong opinions then that’s just them personally, don’t take it to heart. You have nothing to be ashamed of and lots of people are in your situation. It sounds like you’ve been through a tough time and are feeling insecure, I hope you feel better about yourself soon and can be happy and live your life without caring about what anyone else thinks x

They've not made any judgement at all, sounds like they're just being friendly. Maybe they may turn out to be friends.

I am Hindu and I have a significant number of Muslim relatives. OP there are plenty of single mothers in our communities as well. Good adherents of both faiths do not judge and whilst you will get judgemental people of all sorts I would not assume that anyone Muslim is going to judge you. Generally they will not.

You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how Seldom they do. -Eleanor Roosevelt

You're scared they going to have negative assumptions about you, yet you have "assumptions" about them because they're Muslim? Hmmm

Would u think the same if they werent Muslim?

Yeah this
Struggling to think what being Muslim has to do with anything?
I'd say the same about Christians.
There's judgemental twats about everywhere.
What makes you think your new neighbours are?

I have many dc and 3 exh's.. One elderly neighbour(married since Jack was a lad) used to ask me many questions.. I was a bit peeved at first and thought she was judgey.. In fact she just wanted to learn about my dc as her family live quite a way.... She remembers who is who /jobs/facts about each one! Always a smile /wave a a quick chat! Lovely lady! Hopeful that you have nice people around you too op!

They are your neighbours, you don't have to tell them all your business.

You don't have a partner, you're divorced. Surely that is enough info.

Thank you everyone, you’ve all out my mind at rest.

I think this is more about me judging myself than anything - something I need to work on.

I think some posters are also right, on the back of this I’ve made an unfair judgement about them too.

Having had serious issues with a different really nasty, judgy neighbour, I am just a bit wary and tend to think people are just going to see me and my kids negatively now.

I need to move on from that.

I think your over thinking this maybe because you have been judged by others before .
I really wouldnt care TBH .
Do you think they will judge you on having 2 kids with 2 different men your not the only one i have 2 kids with 2 different men it dont make us any less of a mum .
Mine are grownup now but i get it .
Really there just next door people and if there gonna judge that says more about them but i bet they wont even care .

If they judge you they are not worth knowing.

Why should you care what the neighbours think about your life? Any more than their life isn't your business.

What is this nonsense?

Do you genuinely think all Muslims are the same and think with one hive mind?

Who knows what they'll think and more importantly why do you care?

Mumsnet cannot answer this for you, what with your neighbours being individual people...

Who gives a fuck what they think?

What will they think of you?

Nothing, if you don't tell them anything, why should they need to know? They are only people that live next door, our neighbours have been next to us for years and know bugger all about us, as it's nothing to do with them.

Who cares what anyone thinks. Just because they're Muslim they won't think anything less of you than Bob and Joan across the road who have been married 65 years with 4 kids

Nothing. As muslims it's not for us to judge

I'm muslim I wouldn't care. My religion had no bearing on your life, it just affects me and the way in which I choose to live mine. It just isn't a situation I think you should give any head space to and if someone did judge you regardless of their religion then they clearly aren't worth getting to know.

I would say though that I do find it annoying when people automatically think you would judge them for being an unmarried mum, being gay or going out drinking etc just because you are muslim. I really don't spend time thinking about how other people choose to live.

On the day we moved into our new home (over 34 years ago) my then nine year old knocked on next doors house and introduced herself, then added a bit of colour by saying 'I've got two dads but my sister's got three'. When she told me this I was mortified, but my lovely neighbours never once mentioned it, and were absolutely lovely to me. People don't care, we just think they might.

I can understand where you're coming from but they won't necessarily judge you. There are plenty of Muslims in your situation even if it isn't talked about so much publicly. Privately, I don't even think most would bat an eye particularly if you're not muslim.

Why are you only worried about what your new neighbour might think? What about all the other people you know?

You're putting a lot on them and making it reflect badly on you. Your assumptions may or may not be right, either way this doesn't help you at all. Some people will judge us in life, some people won't. The aim isn't to get through life without judgement or criticism from others, but to live a life you deem to be good by your own values and ethics.

Regardless of whosoever lives next door - when they pay your rent, they can have an opinion.
You don't have 11 kids and 12 possible dads fgs, we're not in femme fatale territory. Two kids, two dads says third time lucky for you 🤞