To think ex should have DS extra nights in the school holidays?

[Genericusername3]

I'll try to keep this as short and sweet as possible.

I have a DS4, with ex, we split up approx 2 years ago. Current arrangements are that DS stays with his dad 5 nights out of 14.

DS4 starts school this year. His dad has said he will not have DS over for any additional nights during any of the school holidays. He said he will take him for days out on an as and when basis, only when requested by him, but not overnight.

He also won't contribute towards wrap-around childcare or holiday clubs when it's "my" day. But because of this it means its "my" day quite often.

I have told him this restricts my ability to work as I'm then also paying out for childcare because he isn't willing to have him any extra nights. I'd be quite flexible as to which nights to suit him and he knows this.

AIBU to think that he should have him extra nights in the holidays as well?

For info, he has a DS9 living with him approx 60% of the time, the other 40% with her BM.

If he's paying maintenance then you are BU.It would absolutely be nice if he took.him on holiday but he doesnt have to

It doesn’t really matter what anyone on here thinks because if he says no unfortunately that falls on you .

if you look for Ofsted registered holiday and are on universal credit you will get a high percentage of childcare paid .

ensure you are getting all you are entitled to in maintenance

It depend if he’s paying CMS maintenance and how many nights the calculation is based on and also if you a receiving the child benefit etc

Do you work nights?

In my opinion he is being unreasonable morally speaking. He’s both of your DS after all.

However I don’t think there’s anything you can do legally to force him.

I wouldn’t be very impressed by the “as and when” suggestion though - that helps you absolutely zero because you need to be able to plan.

Are his current nights mostly weekends? I think a lot of people change that when they start school, so that the resident parent doesn't just see the child on school days. That also has the effect of balancing the school holiday childcare a bit better between the parents.

Are you asking for a regular pattern over the holidays (so one week on one week off, or Sunday - Wednesday every week type thing) or ad hoc when you need childcare?

To answer the questions yes he does pay CMS, he has DS for the minimum amount of nights in the bracket he pays for, it's almost the lower bracket, but I don't think that really matters in the grand scheme of things.

Also yes I do work nights - I work primarily nights, so when DS is at his dads I'm in work. I know some people on here say to find a job to fit around the child, which I understand, but there are reasons this job suits me at the moment which I won't bore you all with right now! I am studying part-time though as well alongside work, mainly due to this situation making me realise I need to find something more child / ex friendly. So I am working towards that.

As a parent, he should want as much time with his child as possible.
morally, he should be paying for childcare proportionate to income regardless of custody split.

legally, if you are posting from the uk, the law does not adequately reflect that childcare is the most expensive part of parenting young children.

I'd like a fairly regular pattern, I can be flexible with it though, my suggestion to him was one extra night per week of school holidays which I thought was reasonable. It's not necessarily when I need childcare, it is partly so I can work the extra shift here and there but also so DS can spend time with his dad and sister who will also be on school holidays.

He should, and he should want to. If he already has his other child there and isn't working then there's no good reason not to either.

Unfortunately you can't make him. And now that he's said no, even if he changes his mind later, you can't rely on him. I learned that the hard way!

I’m PWC mother myself and yes I can see he should help you out to enable you to work but e.g times not possible to get childcare but I don’t see how the CMS contribution is irrelevant. He’s having to work x number of hours to support himself and pay CMS, he understandably wants a break too between work and kids. You get the option to work part time as the PWC as not having to pay CMS and perhaps also eligible for top ups. I’ve had to rely on ex for when had to work weekends/Christmas but if during the week then I’ve just paid for a childminder/holiday club, I got a break when he had them weekends when I didn’t work and he got a break evenings during the week and on his annual leave the days he didn’t have them. I love time with my kids but also do also appreciate the odd childfree day so no I don’t agree every dad should be desperate to spend most non working day with their kids. I also disagree doesn’t matter if he’s already got a kid there, 2 can be a lot more stressful than one

You can ask but he can say no. My ex hasn't even seen our kids this 6 weeks 😑 can't make someone

I’ve got similar age children and the 4 year old if 100 times more work than the older child, no way could I get on with work, rest or activities to the same extent as with just the 9 year old around

I wonder if there's a compromise where he tells you in advance the extra days he would like your DS so you can at least plan around it?

I also slightly wonder whether he wants a bit of time 1:1 with the 8 year old? I have kids similar ages and I do make an effort to take the older one out without the younger one because inevitably the 4 year old takes most of my attention