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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu Husband never spends time with both kids without me

17 replies

Lightthatnevergoesout · 03/09/2023 15:10

Just that really. Our children are 8 and 5 both boys and at this stage it's nowhere as challenging as it used to be when they were young. My husband works full time and I teach online part time from home as always had to work around kids. Almost every weekend we have arguments because he simply doesnt do anything with them 2 without getting me involved. I naively assumed that men look forward to having boys as they can play football together, ride bikes at this stage perhaps go camping but my spouse is not interested in any of it. For him the perfect weekend is them 2 watching movies the whole day in their rooms.

Almost every day after school I take them to some kind of clubs and activities all around the city that they enjoy as they are both very sociable and love trying new things. I have spent many evenings calmly discussing with my husband that at this stage they should be having some interests they do together without me and I should be able to go to the gym, have some time to myself at least once a month. However, every single weekend I find myself nagging again and again. We life near peak district and he would never even take them there.

I have reached the boiling point today when I got some upsetting news about my family and needed to just have some space to myself and both kids were just running around the house and all I got was 'why can't you go out with them it's not like anyone died'.

AIBU To be so annoyed about this and feel like he is being lazy for never planning anything and giving me time to myself ?

OP posts:

Hothotdamage · 03/09/2023 15:12

What does he say when you ask him to take them both out ?

rahrahoolala · 03/09/2023 15:15

What a shit partner and dad. OP he sounds absolutely awful - what's the point of him. Sounds like you'd have a far better life without him.

Glorifried · 03/09/2023 15:19

Can you not agree to take them out one day of the weekend each?

I appreciate that means you won't get much time together but it will give you both a break.

Dotcheck · 03/09/2023 15:21

Can you just tell him you are off to the gym/ for a coffee/ a walk etc and then just go?

cptartapp · 03/09/2023 15:28

rahrahoolala · 03/09/2023 15:15

What a shit partner and dad. OP he sounds absolutely awful - what's the point of him. Sounds like you'd have a far better life without him.

This. And he'd have to get his act together pretty quick to cover his 24/7 childcare half of every week by himself. Remind him of that.

Original poster

Lightthatnevergoesout · 03/09/2023 15:33

Yes I can. But sometimes I might not be feeling well myself or might want some space to just do some home things in peace and kids get bored spending the whole weekend in the house. When I do go out by myself I feel guilty because I know they are just sitting indoors and still end up taking both of them out on a bike ride or swimming when I get in just cause I don't want them to watch movies the whole weekend.

OP posts:

Autumntimeagain · 03/09/2023 15:51

OP, why don't you book something for them ? e.g tickets for a theme park, wildlife center, aquarium, climbing wall....whatever they'd like, and the more 'boyish' the better !
Then simply give your DH the tickets in front of the kids and say I've arranged a lovely day out for all of you boys on Saturday, here's the tickets ! I'm not coming as I've got the hairdresser/massage/ shopping with friends etc booked, and it's a 'boys' thing anyway.

Don't give him the chance to 'duck out' by telling him alone, and make sure you get the kids excited about the day out too !

HarrietStyles · 03/09/2023 15:59

Does he truly understand how upsetting this is for you, have you sat him down and calmly explained to him how unfair the current set up is and how you would like it to change? How would he react? He could be totally taking the piss out of you…… or he could be totally oblivious and think that you love doing lots of stuff with the kids at the weekend. And needs it spelling out to him.
For reference - I have 4 children around same age group and my husband regularly takes them all out for a bike/scooter ride, or to the park single-handedly (without me asking). I would say most husbands do.

IglesiasPiggl · 03/09/2023 16:06

It's so exhausting trying to move men like this away from the notion that you are not permanently the default parent until they're 18. Whilst that might have been the case when they were very small, life has evolved and you need some of you back. I am not sure springing a booked day out on him is the way to go as it gives him a reason to be annoyed. I would try mentioning this evolution and agreeing what he will do. Then crack on and book it there and then before he tries to back out.

Autieangel · 03/09/2023 16:09

You need to ask him what he wants his relationship to be like with his kids when they are older. If he never interacts with them they won't be close to him in adulthood.

Do you all go out together? Can you all go to a park etc and find an excuse to leave them for an hour. Just to get him use to being on his own with them.

JapaneseSlipper · 03/09/2023 16:11

Dotcheck · 03/09/2023 15:21

Can you just tell him you are off to the gym/ for a coffee/ a walk etc and then just go?

I really dislike this advice. The OP wants some quiet time alone at home. This is not unreasonable. Going out for coffee simply isn’t what she needs.

WinchSparkle80 · 03/09/2023 16:13

Sympathy- my DH is same although will take them out if I am working but otherwise nope. He does have a chronic illness though which is hard to manage sometimes but it’s the only thing we row about!

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 03/09/2023 16:15

I had one like that. "Had". Nothing worked and I'm much happier now.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 03/09/2023 16:15

JapaneseSlipper · 03/09/2023 16:11

I really dislike this advice. The OP wants some quiet time alone at home. This is not unreasonable. Going out for coffee simply isn’t what she needs.

Show quote history

Exactly, and it sidesteps her DH actually doing something, so then she comes back to two bored kids who’ve had no exercise or fresh air, and too much screen time, which wipes out any benefit she felt leaving the house.

That said, I don’t have any great advice myself. He sounds shit and you can’t make people change, they have to want to.

NoSquirrels · 03/09/2023 16:20

I think you need to give him specifics and do the planning to begin with. Yes, yes, in an ideal world he’d take the initiative and not need the hand-holding and whatever but if you want something to change he needs to be proactively forced into it, not just you wishing it.

Tell him it’s his turn at the weekend to take them both swimming/to the park/to soft play on Saturday afternoon. Then you’ll be ‘on duty’ Sunday morning, or whatever.

TempName247 · 03/09/2023 16:44

Your DH is awful to never do anything with them, he is missing out on so much. You’ve let him get away with this up to this point so I can’t see him changing now. Would he not even take them to the cinema?

However, I do think you need to cut yourself some slack, if you go out there is no harm in them staying at home, it sounds like they have a busy week with school and activities so no need for you to have to take them out on your ‘day off’.

Feverly · 03/09/2023 16:54

That’s sad you’re questioning whether you’re unreasonable to be annoyed. You should be boiling with rage and disgust. This pointless man felt entitled to make 2 people exist, yet refuses to parent and is showing those kids every day- ‘women are for child rearing, I don’t want you.’
Can’t comprehend why you’re not divorced.

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