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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband looking up other women online

10 replies

Countrymum1 · 03/09/2023 15:07

Looking for advice..

8years ago I found my husband had been looking up other females on facebook on an excessive level.

It nearly broke us up. I was so upset that he was looking at other real life women online (some of which I knew) and felt like I just wasn't enough for him. Prior to this I felt our relationship had been very healthy. He promised he wouldn't do it again.

8 years on we have many commitments together and a child under 1. Life is crazy busy with work, being a new mum and juggling everything else, I'm exhausted. I've made it a routine that we stop at 8:30pm and watch a film/do something together as we definitely weren't getting enough quality time together.

I've just found out he's doing the same again and feel so hurt. I'm just totally checked out. Although I understand many men in relationships watch porn etc, in my eyes he knew how much it hurt me the last time so I find it so disrespectful that he'd do the same again. This is especially given that I've supported him well through many difficult times this year.

His initial response was to say it was my fault as I'm not giving him enough of what he needs..

Am I over reacting or is it worth ending a relationship over? We get on well however my relationship needs, affection etc are often not met and we feel like two people who just get on well. I am fed up of having the same issues over and over again.

OP posts:
Missgemini · 03/09/2023 15:17

I’m so sorry. That’s really disrespectful of him. And that response when you found out is just the icing on the cake!
What exactly does he expect from you that he’s not getting? The audacity of some men!
Up to you if you’re willing to put up with this. He doesn’t seem to care about your feelings. Sorry

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2023 15:22

His initial response was to say it was my fault as I'm not giving him enough of what he needs..

Thats when you know it's over. Stop wasting your time and get to a solicitor. Your marriage is done, and there's no coming back from this.

Emz6103 · 03/09/2023 15:25

Men's love of porn and w@*** is why I will never have another man in my life. I'm 50 and I'd rather read a book than date a man knowing that every time my back was turned he'd have his phone out. Not for me, never ever again!! In my lifetime there's two choices for women, accept it or be single because it's too easy and too accessable for them to ever stop.

zusje · 04/09/2023 01:51

Personally if he isn't initiating contact my partner can look up/at any women he likes. Also no problem with him watching porn. As soon as it goes past looking, then I'm gone.
However if he did something that bothered me (even if it's silly), he promised not to do it again and then he did it again and once comfronted was trying to gaslight me by putting the blame on me...sayonara!

PinkB87 · 04/09/2023 02:33

It's not your fault and him blaming you is awful

You set a clear boundary, you weren't ok with him looking up other women. At that point he has the choice to respect the boundary or not, he chose not.

Women don't have to accept porn or this behaviour if they don't want to. It's ok to think porn is not acceptable, it's ok to think it is.

What's not ok is his gaslighting.

KievLoverTwo · 04/09/2023 02:36

Fuck gaslighters.

Actually, don't. Get some other mug to do it.

Postymama4eva · 09/05/2024 04:06

I always knew my husband looked at porn or women but it’s to another level where it constantly on his feed, saved on phone, and searching like everyday! So I tried to have a calm talk about it but he just walked away and said I don’t want to fight with you. I told him I’m not trying to fight with I just want you to know how it makes me feel. Also he’s never in the mood for making love or if he is his eyes are closed. I’m starting to feel insecure, fat, ugly, sad, broken! I just don’t know what else to do.

traciebrister5150 · 28/04/2025 05:15

Countrymum1 · 03/09/2023 15:07

Looking for advice..

8years ago I found my husband had been looking up other females on facebook on an excessive level.

It nearly broke us up. I was so upset that he was looking at other real life women online (some of which I knew) and felt like I just wasn't enough for him. Prior to this I felt our relationship had been very healthy. He promised he wouldn't do it again.

8 years on we have many commitments together and a child under 1. Life is crazy busy with work, being a new mum and juggling everything else, I'm exhausted. I've made it a routine that we stop at 8:30pm and watch a film/do something together as we definitely weren't getting enough quality time together.

I've just found out he's doing the same again and feel so hurt. I'm just totally checked out. Although I understand many men in relationships watch porn etc, in my eyes he knew how much it hurt me the last time so I find it so disrespectful that he'd do the same again. This is especially given that I've supported him well through many difficult times this year.

His initial response was to say it was my fault as I'm not giving him enough of what he needs..

Am I over reacting or is it worth ending a relationship over? We get on well however my relationship needs, affection etc are often not met and we feel like two people who just get on well. I am fed up of having the same issues over and over again.

It really is a big problem when your husband is constantly looking up and at other women online whether half naked and/or nude . Since my husband started doing the above mentioned he has totally stopped spending time with me and going out in public with me stopped having sex with me and stopped sleeping in our bed with me and he never talks to and conversate's with me he spends all of his time either on his phone and/ or with his friends . He also had affairs. So no don't put up with his bullshit either he wants you and be committed to you and your marriage or he can hit the road and it's his loss. The grass is never greener on the other side. The other side is nothing but an illusion. And going after something that is better looking will be a huge disappointment cause beauty covers up the ugliness and evil . If a man can't be satisfied with who and what you are then he's not a man he's a boy that chases dreams of the perfect girl and that's sad. Men really are the bitches and are the ones who can't ever make up their minds about anything and they are never satisfied. True fact.

ColinOfficeTrolley · 28/04/2025 05:20

However if he did something that bothered me (even if it's silly)

Wow. Just because you're fine with your husband objectifying women and using them as wank fodder, downs mean the OP is 'silly' for not liking it.

I would lose respect for my husband if I knew he was a pervert.

Agix · 28/04/2025 06:04

You're not giving him enough of what he needs? That would be a fair excuse if you were starving him and he had gone somewhere else for food.

Perving on women online isn't a need. It's a desire - and to him, it's something more important to him than you, since he chose to do it when you'd already asked him not to.

A lot of men think it's reasonable for porn to be more important to them than their partners. Is your husband like this? If so, he likely won't stop.

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