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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset with dd1, and want to ground her until she is generally a nice person?

23 replies

fryalot · 02/03/2008 17:30

Ds got a new Bob the Builder scooter today. And, it is a lovely day.

Dd1 volunteered to go out with the two littlies for half an hour, so I agreed.

On the dot of half an hour later, she brought them in, kicking and screaming because they wanted to stay out, she woke me up where I'd fallen asleep on the couch and told me that my half hour was up and she's off out with her mates who have called for her.

I know that she did what she promised.
I know that I should be grateful that she took them out at all.
I know that I shouldn't expect her to give up her social life to play with two toddlers.

BUT..... would it have killed her to stay out a bit longer and maybe let me have more of a nap? It is Mother's Day after all.

I feel like grounding her until she has done something selfless and nice, just for the sake of it.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
Milliways · 02/03/2008 17:33

YANBU - but don't ground her, she DID do what she said.

Maybe a talking to later, or to agree to another half hour soon. It's hard - I was a teenager with a toddler brother and it gets annoying as they get all the Ooh Aah factor and the older ones get the holework/housework help. I used to feel very jealous at times.

hercules1 · 02/03/2008 17:34

Yabu. How old is she?

Lulumama · 02/03/2008 17:35

how old is DD, squonk?

Original poster
fryalot · 02/03/2008 17:36

I just remember all the times that she has come in crying because a friend has gone off with a different friend and dumped dd1. And she's done that to her brother and sister. She would have been quite happy to stay out there if her friend hadn't come round.

I understand what you say, and I do try to make sure that she has lots of fun as well as helping out. I don't ask her to do much, it was only because it was mothers day that I asked her to take them out. (that, and the fact that dp cooked me the HUGEST dinner in the world and I couldn't move off the settee, I was stuck, like a beached whale )

OP posts:
Original poster
fryalot · 02/03/2008 17:37

She's 14.

And it's not so much the fact that she had had enough and buggered off with her mate, it's the fact that her brother and sister were so upset and she just dumped them in the living room and disappeared

OP posts:
Lulumama · 02/03/2008 17:37

oh i see she is 14

don;t teens think the earth, sun , moon and whole world revolve around them and their needs??

a talking to about appreciation for you and what you do and how much you appreciate what she does by helping with the little ones is perhaps more helpful than grounding and making her do something selfless

she gave you half an hour, so fulfilled her side of the bargain, so unfair to punish her for not going the extra mile.

Troutpout · 02/03/2008 17:39

err yeah a bit
She did do something selfless and nice didn't she
Can understand how you just want a kip though and that feeling of irritability when you just wake up

How old is she? she sounds like a nice girl to do that tbh

Original poster
fryalot · 02/03/2008 17:39

Yes, I think you're right, it would be wrong of me to ground her when she did do what she promised.

I shall try to have a chat with her when she comes in.

OP posts:
Maidamess · 02/03/2008 17:40

14 year olds don't think like friends would, or a partner would. They always do JUST what is expected of them and nothing more.

I think the fact she took them out at all is good. You should have seen the eye rolling my dd(12) was doing today when I asked her to sort about 12 items of clothing in a basket.

Original poster
fryalot · 02/03/2008 17:40

and maybe phrase that chat along the lines of her dumping her sibs when they were upset rather than not staying out with them for longer?

OP posts:
Original poster
fryalot · 02/03/2008 17:42

and yes, you're right, she is a nice person.
and she did do a nice thing.

I was just tres grumpy to be woken up after ten minutes to small people screaming

I shall tell her she's lovely.

OP posts:
juuule · 02/03/2008 17:45

YABU. She did what she agreed with you. I think with teens you have to be specific. If you had asked her to take them out and see if they would stay out for an hour maybe that would have been better.
I don't think you can ground her for doing what was agreed.
You might have a chat with her about how to let her siblings down gently and perhaps consider you being asleep.

beaniesteve · 02/03/2008 17:56

Erm... she said half an hour, she took them out for half an hour. I can't see what she's done wrong. Grounding her for doing what she said she would just because the other two were playing up seems a bit harsh to me.

beaniesteve · 02/03/2008 17:57

erm and in the first post you say she vollunteered but then you say you asked her?

bigbumhole · 02/03/2008 17:59

Can totally see your point about feeling about it, but as teenagers go, you asked her to do something, she did it, and thats the end of it as far as she's concerned.

Original poster
fryalot · 02/03/2008 17:59

beaniesteve - I have come to the conclusion that I was being unreasonable.

But... the other two weren't playing up, they were upset when she stopped them from playing and brought them in the house. They didn't know that they were only getting half an hour, and she didn't do that thing about "five minutes more" "two more minutes now" "time to go in now" She just dragged them inside, dumped them and disappeared. That was what I thought was a bit out of order.

OP posts:
Original poster
fryalot · 02/03/2008 18:00

to clarify - the kids wanted to go out, they asked her if she would take them, and she said she would. I asked her to keep them for half an hour.

OP posts:
beaniesteve · 02/03/2008 18:00

sorry

she's not their mum though is she so I can see why she might have thought her time of looking after them was up and that it was now her time to have fun. It's not always fun for an older child to have to look after younger ones.

no offence meant.

soapbox · 02/03/2008 18:02

Squonk - it takes most parents a long time to work out how to deal with two toddlers (and to manage their expectations) so to expect a 14yo to do so, is probably a bit ambitious

I think she sounds lovely - she volunteered to take them out, played with them for 1/2 hour and then went off to do her own thing.

I really cannot find fault at all in what she did.

Why didn;t you just take them straight back out again?

Original poster
fryalot · 02/03/2008 18:02

none taken.

As I say, I have calmed down now, I was woken up with a start and I felt that it wouldn't have killed her to be more accommodating, but everyone has talked me down from my strop and I'm ok now.

OP posts:
Original poster
fryalot · 02/03/2008 18:03

soapbox - because I was too groggy - She didn't wake me up, she just kind of abandoned them and I woke up to them screaming and her shouting that she was off out with her mate.

It took me a few minutes to come round, by which time the littlies had taken their clothes off

OP posts:
soapbox · 02/03/2008 18:04

LOL at littlies taking their clothes off

Original poster
fryalot · 02/03/2008 18:06

Thanks everyone for your input

OP posts:
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