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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh a bit socially quiet & awkward

39 replies

SiouxseeSioux · 03/09/2023 09:44

Everyone seems to like my dh but he is quite introverted & does not have that many friends. He cannot always find things to say to get into a group conversation if he clicks with someone then he's fine.
We have a "couple" friends who we've known years. They invited us, along with other couples from their friendship circle to a bbq at their house a few weeks ago. Out of the males dh only knew the host. He'd met one of the other men & clicked over a few pints at an event a few months prior to the bbq & I thought it would all be ok at the bbq. The host said hello to us & of course had to play host to others too & he didn't really try to make conversation with my dh. Neither did the other chap who he'd met once before. They soon formed a clickey circle & kind of forgot about my dh. They weren't the equivalent of mean girls, just thoughtless.
I immediately fell in with the wives & dh ended up sitting with us all for most of it. I asked him if he'd like to go & join the husbands as he was looking left out & under my thumb. He said what's the point, I'm left out, don't know most of them & have nothing to say. If he could have gone home there & then he would have.
The last hour was a lot better as it dispersed & opened up, but probably for most of the night my dh wouldn't have felt so good.
We've been invited to another event & dh is reluctant. How can I help my dh to feel more included & confident instead of always on the edge, so we can enjoy a social life? Do we persist with these people, who are all very nice, but perhaps a bit thoughtless to introverts, or give up straight away? Like I say once dh clicks with people then he's fine. Not the life & soul, but he's ok & enjoys himself

OP posts:

Original poster

SiouxseeSioux · 03/09/2023 10:30

Bump

OP posts:

Ireolu · 03/09/2023 10:39

My DH is the same. Doesn't drink and isn't interested in sports like football. Enjoys tennis and likes skiing. He now knows my friends quiet well because he put in some effort chatting even when he felt uncomfortable. We dont split off into wives and husbands though when we meet. Everyone just hangs out together. Also tackling each couple separately helped l, so no big group meetings all the time. He now has a laugh when we meet up which is rare now anyway with kids and work. His enjoys his own company always has. I am not going to change his personality.

tttigress · 03/09/2023 10:47

Has he got any interests the guys might be interested in? My DP isn't a "typical football guy", but he had a few experience in life and hobbies that even quite ladd-ie guys find interesting.

gannett · 03/09/2023 10:51

I've been where your husband was a lot of times!

I'm sociable but introverted, I find it hard to waltz up and insert myself into group chatter if I only know one person and they all know each other. Once I get going I'm fine but I do need that click first. Nothing more awkward than hovering on the fringes as it gradually dawns on you that no one, including the person you technically know, is going to talk to you or acknowledge you and you're not even that interested in the topic of conversation anyway.

At times like that I've just gone to hang out with DP instead (if he's there), and to talk to whoever he's talking to - because I know he'll include me and bring up subjects I can talk about. I do the same for him. One of the best things about having a partner.

So I definitely wouldn't have asked him to go back to the husbands - of course he didn't want to join them, otherwise he'd have stayed with them. I dislike social events where it separates into women over here, men over there quite intensely anyway.

Looking ahead I'd suggest doing a bit more socialising one-on-one or in couples. That's obviously how your husband prefers to get to know people. Once he has a one-on-one rapport with more people, the bigger group events will be easier.

DrManhattan · 03/09/2023 10:57

Why are you trying to change him? Think about this if the roles were reversed, is it a bit controlling. He might be perfectly happy.

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/09/2023 11:04

See if there’s a job that needs doing, if the host is busy hosting, there may be meat on the BBQ that needs turning. Makes it less obvious that you’re out on a limb, and people will talk to you if your job makes it necessary.

look out for people on the fringes and befriend them.

Greenwitchhorse · 03/09/2023 11:21

So what?

People have different personalities and being an introvert is perfectly normal.

You knew this when you married the person and there is no need for them to change to please others...

You can enjoy activities together that don't involve large groups of people or having to constantly do tedious small talks which many of us introverts find boring and draining.

I socialise regularly and do many activities outside the hime, I just don't bother with noisy/large groups or people who want to talk all the time...

mynameiscalypso · 03/09/2023 11:24

A side note but I really hate social events where the husbands and wives end up sitting in separate groups.

skgnome · 03/09/2023 11:28

I hate when the guys chat on one side and the females on other - I’m like your husband, not great on new groups, I’m a bit awkward and don’t have traditional female interest - when we’re in that kind of environment I just retract
interacting in smaller groups - meet the couples one on one helps a lot
There are things he could do - if he wanted, but don’t try to change him!
honestly the only thing you can do is arrange smaller meets, meet the couples one at at time so he can enjoy himself and then group gatherings are not so uncomfortable for him

Hibiscrubbed · 03/09/2023 11:28

He said what's the point, I'm left out, don't know most of them & have nothing to say. If he could have gone home there & then he would have.

It’s a two-way street through. He’s not a child, if he wants to join in he has to go and do it. If he doesn’t want to, then they’re not obliged to come and get him involved.

Traceyislivid · 03/09/2023 11:29

Just leave him be. I’d hate to be talked to like a child and told to go and try socialising with people because it’s expected.

TheNoodlesIncident · 03/09/2023 11:44

But he could have spoken more to the host and the chap he knew himself? I know it's hard to push yourself forward if you aren't comfortable doing it, but if he doesn't he can find himself inadvertently sidelined, like what did happen.

But it wasn't intentional to leave your DH out in the cold, men don't always notice that someone isn't joining in (or if they do notice, they don't always feel they should do or say something to integrate that person in - that's another level of social skills). There were no doubt opportunities for him to reintroduce himself but he didn't take them. You need to work at being sociable, you can't rely on other people spotting that you're left out and help you out. It's great when they do, but it can't be expected.

I feel sorry for him because I struggle with social graces myself (autism) and I find it's much easier with people you know well, with new people it's difficult to gauge just how much of your quirkiness you can allow to show for example.

I hope he does go to the next event, and have a few strategies on what he can do to avoid these social bumps in the road. MereDint's suggestion of helping the host with the barbecue is good, it's a way back in, a way of keeping busy while keeping an eye on the chance to join in the chat, etc. It's why we always end up in the kitchen at parties...

LilyLemonade · 03/09/2023 11:54

I think it’s part of being an adult to learn to deal with those awkward social situations where you feel a bit left out. Introvert or extrovert, we all have to make an effort, learn to make small talk, find ways to engage. Therefore his ‘woe is me’ response would bother me a bit - especially as it threatens to sabotage your social life as a couple.
On the other hand, the motivation has to come from him really.
One strategy that might help without putting the onus too much on him could be to arrive early for social events - then you get to talk to the host individually for a bit and then each new person or couple as they arrive (rather than trying to break in to an established conversation).

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 03/09/2023 12:00

If he's not happy with the way things are, then it's up to him to make changes.

He can't spend his life depending on other people to include him - he needs to put himself out there and socialise, integrate and try and talk to people himself. That's part of being an adult and making friends. You can't expect people to come to you all the time.

Equally sometimes he may be happier staying at home and that's okay too. Do you ever say to him that it's okay if he wants to give things a miss sometimes?

Original poster

SiouxseeSioux · 03/09/2023 12:08

I'm not trying to change him or his personality. He wants to stay at the social events, maybe for me I don't know. I just want him to feel more comfortable when we're there. I agree that you do have to push yourself forward, people are not going to come to you, he just finds it hard.
@LilyLemonade we were one of the last to arrive, so I think arriving early would be a good thing to try

OP posts:

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 03/09/2023 12:14

he just finds it hard.

Lots of people find it hard - it's just something you have to force yourself to do if you want people to include you, unfortunately.

QueenCamilla · 03/09/2023 12:17

I'd say that busy parties are not the place for an introvert to be.
After a few open questions leading to weird dead-ends I ain't trying again. When I'm out and about, I'm there to talk, laugh, talk, have a drink, talk, meet new interesting people, talk some more. I feel that trying to "socialise" someone, ultimately takes away from my enjoyment - it's quite tedious.

Some of my closest friends are introverts but we meet just the pair of us. Anything else is a disappointment for both.

Seafarer · 03/09/2023 12:35

At parties with primarily friends of DH I’m similar to your DH as I find myself hanging out with DH & the blokes as I find the conversation with them easier e.g. not deep conversations so just joking around 😆The women are all lovely but not particularly like me so haven’t become deeper friendships. When I’m with my own female friends i find conversation far easier & tend to see them in smaller groupings than big parties anyway. So I suggest you let DH do whatever he feels comfortable with in larger social situations & if that’s sitting with you and the women so be it (it doesn’t make him a weirdo.) I agree arriving earlier is a good idea as it can be overwhelming to walk into what feels like established groups. I also wouldn’t advocate getting wrecked but a G&T for Dutch courage before you go out may make him feel a bit more confident.

Medlady · 03/09/2023 12:44

Maybe you could host at some point? Then he would naturally interact , offering drinks, etc, but would also have things to keep him busy. So he could break the ice without total immersion

(This worked for me at the PTA: I was always behind a stall, pouring Pimms or whatever. I got to know everyone, without having to be one to one and desperately digging for conversation)

carolineofcanton · 03/09/2023 12:46

Would be noisy if everyone was an extrovert. I'm sure most of us appreciate quieter companions.

BarelyLiterate · 03/09/2023 12:58

Poor bloke. You know he struggles in group social situations yet you keep trying to push him into situations in which you know he will be uncomfortable. You criticise others for being ‘thoughtless’, yet you are just as bad because you want to ‘enjoy a social life’. Perhaps look at yourself rather than trying to change him?

Autieangel · 03/09/2023 13:06

My dh is similar he has a few friends from childhood who he sees a couple times a year but no other social life. I tend to see my friends separately. But at events like weddings il dance , catch up with everyone and he will make a bit of small talk when not with me. I assume he has less fun than me.

I use to worry now I leave him to it. He knows everyone well enough

Bobbotgegrinch · 03/09/2023 13:08

I'm you husband in this situation, and I'd say leave him be.

I'm not great in big group situations so don't tend to do them. I go the occasional big event or family gathering because it's important to DP, but I'm unlikely to be the life and soul of the party, I'll likely just be sat there listening to the conversation, might get a few sentences in over a few hours. I'm not antisocial, I just literally can't think of a response quick enough to say it before someone else has already responded. Get a few drinks in me and I'll get chatty, but the distance between that and drunken arse is too narrow so I don't risk it.

If you want your husband to feel comfortable with these people, then invite just one couple out with the pair of you at a time, let him get to know them in a much smaller group, that way even if he's not talking at the bigger stuff, then he'll at least know the people and be more comfortable.

But it's likely that he cares about this far less than you do. Some men are just the quiet type, and we're often fine with it.

Lehenaghmore · 03/09/2023 13:11

mynameiscalypso · 03/09/2023 11:24

A side note but I really hate social events where the husbands and wives end up sitting in separate groups.

Yes, it sounds unbelievably depressing, and of course turns into some of the demented assumptions of threads on here about opposite-sec friendships.

OP, ultimately, your husband is who he is. If he doesn’t want to attend these events, presumably he can stay at home? If he were a child, you could model social behaviours and suggest approaches, but it would be pretty infantilising, unless he’s actually asking you for help.

Catsafterme · 03/09/2023 13:13

This is the life of an introvert, it's nothing new and it's likely been same since was younger. I'm introverted and I can speak to anyone but I'm not like other men. I don't drink, I don't like sports or football and often get on with women more.

As he said, there is no point and that's what you need to understand. Majority of the time if you don't align to other men or male groups, you don't exist, you are not compatible. It's pointless trying to force it or pretend, the decision has been made off the first interaction I find.

I for one couldn't give two flying fucks if I'm part of a male social group. I'd rather sit in silence on my own than pretend to appease others and try to fit in.

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