AIBU to try and work around small children?

[foxp3]

Obviously I don't mean with them present. I have 2 DCs in nursery, single parent. Other parent has them supervised EOW and various reasons it can't be more than that. I cannot find flexible enough work.

For background: I left a qualified profession during our relationship as I was commuting to work (although only 3 days/week) and couldn't leave at the drop of a hat for child emergencies. I took days off when they were unwell or had appointments. My attendance at work was dropping and I totally burnt out from being mentally in 2 places at once with high demands from both. (I was v unwell, I was in hospital for a few months).

I never returned to my previous career, but when we separated I had to find work quickly. I set myself up as a cleaner (self employed) as it was the only thing I could think of that I could do flexibly and start quickly. I miss my old job, it was my identity (6 years university training plus ongoing time, effort, money) and not only do I hate not doing it any more I hate the fact that it all seems so pointless now.

I have regular clients. I am so sick of having to reschedule them if the children are unwell. Most are very kind about it but I've kept my rates low because I don't want people to leave for a slightly higher price but more reliability. In the last 2 months both children have had chicken pox and now one has covid, the other will probably have it next. Of course I'd rather be with them when they're poorly, but it's illness + exclusion period, which can take me off for a whole week. There's also something different about texting a single employer to say you're off vs messaging all clients each day to apologise and try and rearrange. Its relatively low stakes compared to the responsibility I used to have - but it's still letting people down, over and over.

I only work so the children can go to nursery. They love it there and have special needs support which I can't give them individually at home. (One has an EHCP.) I don't know what to do. I don't feel employable at all, but I get help with nursery fees if I am working. If I can't afford to send them they'll lose the support, but I also can't bear to keep letting people down.

I thought I'd landed on the most flexible type of work but it's still not working out. I'm basically unemployable. It feels like an endless vicious cycle of letting everyone down and I'm losing the will to continue.

AIBU to expect there to be some form of work out there that is genuinely flexible? Even zero hours, with no paid leave, but that can be done in every spare moment?

Firstly, well done! You’ve achieved so much and should feel proud of yourself.

The flexibility that you you want/need is what so many people with small children crave (and why so many are lured to work for MLM businesses). But it’s honestly too much for one person to work and to always be available for two small children whenever they are ill or during school holidays. Realistically, if you love your profession, you are much better off finding a new job in the career you trained for, and then paying for childcare. I wish I’d had that advice years ago when my children were tiny.

From your OP, I assume that partner and grandparents (or other family members) can’t help at all? Is your profession well paid? Could you afford paid help? I have friends who use au pairs (but need a spare room) and nannies (expensive, but cheaper if shared with another family). For a while I had an older lady who used to clean for us. She was an ex nanny so was brilliant with children, cooked meals and also great in the garden. If you can find someone like that, it can be a great help. She was so much cheaper than a nanny, extremely reliable and competent. She was in her 60s, very fit, effectively retired, but wanted to earn some money with a local family.

Or are there opportunities for childcare at work? A single friend of mine works in a boarding school where there is an on-site nursery and the school community has been really supportive. Obviously this example only works if your profession is teaching - but does your profession have any opportunities like this?

Anyway, just a few thoughts to hopefully inspire you to get back to the career you want. Apply for things - if you get a role there WILL be a way of sorting out the childcare. Good luck!

I don't know the answer but I just wanted to say:

1. You're awesome. You are clearly disciplined, conscientious and hold yourself to a high standard. Until your customers actually start leaving, the only problem with your attendance may be in your own head. And whatever decision you make, this character you are showing will be valuable in your future career and in your parenting. If your kids were old enough to understand they would be SO proud of you.

2. chicken pox is an absolute pain with work, especially the way it hits siblings a fortnight apart. But it's a one-off. Similarly that first winter at nursery, when they catch everything going, is a one-off and not a "new normal". The last year is not a good predictor of the next few.

@Moonlaserbearwolf thank you, I totally get why people would go for MLMs, paid surveys, things like that which are exactly what I'm describing "paid work from home at a time you can do"!

It's a shame there isn't really much well-paid (ie valued) work like that, because I have a degree and further training that I can't put to any use at the moment. Maybe in another life I'll create a platform for people (women) ((mothers)) who feel like they have more to offer than the job market allows for.

I feel like flexible working is rarely offered at the outset because of the assumption it'll be taken less seriously. If I could write my finals thesis in an all-nighter those are clearly productive hours for something 😂

My career isn't well paid enough at the lower rungs unless supplemented by extra shifts at a higher rate, and also is limited to certain locations which would be a long commute. I'd probably need to try and move closer, get nursery closer etc so would be a bit of a set up initially. But would like to go back eventually as it's all I've ever known and am not as thrilled as I thought I'd be at leaving it!

@Dascha thank you those 2 points totally captured the moment I was in!
I go through this utter spiral every time I have to call round to cancel. But you're right, nobody has ditched me from it (it does help that I charge a v low hourly rate that barely covers costs, so less incentive to change cleaners!)
They are always unwell and there are 2 of them so they just give it to each other! I think it's been a bad run recently - but also not at all looking forward to flu season...