To be concerned about DD

[LordSalem]

She starts year 7 on Tuesday, it’s a Grammar school (same one I went to, I spent a fortune on a tutor as she’s always been very intelligent with outstanding scores and reports, and she passed the 11+ and got a place) but she will have to take 2 buses there and 2 buses back every day.
I will be taking her and picking her up every day for the first week (4 days), and the first day of the second week.
I fought very hard to get DD assessed for autism in primary school. I’ve reported to school incidents of her physically attacking me since 2017. My therapist told me that everything I have described screams of autism. The application was refused as she does not present in school. She masked all day and then would let rip with me, sometimes as soon as I picked her up, even shoving me hard and screaming at me in the yard in front of every teacher, parent and child present.
(I have issues of my own - CPTSD as a result of child abuse and abuse at the hands of her father - I left him when she was 1 but the mental and verbal abuse continued until he inexplicably stopped contacting us almost 4 years ago now).

I am worried that she will school refuse. This is the school she chose, she was adamant. She is very clearly aware of the buses and routes, we’ve already physically practiced this many times. But because of the way she is, I’m already anticipating that she’ll refuse to go without me. She has a full on meltdown if a sock doesn’t feel “right”.
We are a low income family and I cannot afford the bus fare taking her there and back every day going forward after the first 4 days and 1 more day the next week. I have paid for her term time bus pass up until December and will save every month to pay for the next. The council refused a free bus pass because although its 5.7 miles away, there are 3 nearby (non Grammar) schools she could attend instead. The uniform already cost a fortune, our council does not help with uniform costs as they “don’t enforce uniform in primary or secondary schools”.

I just want the best for her. The best education, growing into being less dependant even just enough so she’ll brush her own hair! I will contact the pastoral team at school. I’m just so antsy and not wanting her to start afresh by freaking out and refusing. Does anyone have any advice? I’m sorry for such a long post.

I’d be spending the money on a private ASD assessment.

I would try again for an assessment. However, it could be a reaction to the trauma not autism. Have you and/or her had support for what you both went through with your ex?

You say 2 buses there and back. But what travel time is that?

Have you had conversations with the pastoral team already? You could contact them before the start date. If you email them today they may come back tomorrow and set up a meeting

You'd get good advice on the SEN boards

What a pity you spent all that money on tutoring an already bright child rather than on an asd assessment honestly.

I'm sure she will learn to take the bus fine. As for school refusal, well yes in a child with undiagnosed, unsupported asd that's a real possibility but it's not inevitable if the school is supportive and a good fit. My autistic son far prefers his secondary school to his primary.

An ASD diagnosis doesn't change anything in school unless it's accompanied by an EHCP, which this child won't get based on the description here.

This mother has likely done the best thing she could by getting her daughter into a smaller school environment.

I would say that if this doesn’t work you have the ability to move her to a more local school. So see how you go. It’s not a fixed problem, there’s movement.

I wouldn't panic at this stage about the school. I mean, what's the alternative? Be very very positive and hope for the best!

Get DD some cheap Airpods for the bus.

I would contact these people ASAP about an assessment (be quick as they only cover up to age 11). Make contact with the grammar school SENCO ASAP. Sounds like you have plenty of evidence for an assessment. It is a shame that the primary was so ignorant about masking, but onwards and upwards.

Arm yourself with handouts about ASD in girls, masking and the shaken Coke bottle effect.

www.caudwellchildren.com/services-autism/

Also tell her to hang out in the library at break and lunch. The other ND kids will be there.

That may be your experience but it's not universal. It certainly wasn't ours.

I'm a secondary school teacher and I found that comment realistic. I taught in a super selective grammar for 5 years. We had little expertise with SEN because not many SEN DC get through the tests and (frankly) selection by postcode and middle-class-ness. We had no DC with EHCP. Our SENCO was also tasked with careers and running the library. We had no counsellor. Some highly able ASD and inattentive ADHD DC were hiding in plain sight.

It is only now, teaching in a large comprehensive, that I can see quite how crap the grammar was for SEN.

On the plus side the selection does inadvertently select for high functioning ASD so there will be others and behaviour should be good (ish...grammars aren't always that hot on behaviour management).

OP, what does the school's latest Ofsted say about SEN?

I will try again.
Ive had a couple of rounds of cbt. She's just finished a course of weekly sessions over the holidays but said they were useless.
The travel time is roughly 40 minutes each way.
I've emailed the pastoral contact.

Yes, what a pity I spent all that money trying my best to ensure that my bright child got into the only Grammar school in the area rather than the nearest secondary schools which have appalling ratings and are widely known to be awful.

Last report in 2022

Well that looks positive.

And 40 minutes is not a long journey to a grammar.

Here's hoping.
40 minutes there and 40 minutes back each day I think for her is a big deal compared to primary school. We have done plenty of test journeys and I will be taking her and picking her up for the first week and a day, but I expect (knowing her) she will meltdown once she's required to do it alone for the first time. Or at the very least, the next morning after doing it once. That's where I think the problem will start.
She is the same height as me and when she has meltdowns she can be violent towards me. There's not a single thing she responds to during meltdowns until she is exhausted and can't carry on. Usually an hour or so later.

Might it be possible for her to practice the journey alone tomorrow a couple of times?

I really do try so hard and I have tried to cover every eventuality to reassure her. She has her own phone now and I have shown her how to use Arriva and Stagecoach bus apps. We both have our locations shared with each other constantly in preparation. She knows the route, the bus stops are marked on the Maps app. I have done everything I can to make sure that this transition is as smooth as possible for her.
I just do wish there was another parent here, I have for years. Just for back up at the very least. She's not had a meltdown in almost the whole six weeks but I know it's all going to start again. She reverts to acting like a much younger child, repeating sentences over and over and screaming like she's being murdered. She cannot stop once she's started to lose control. It's bloody hard to see her like that never mind endure it.

She would absolutely refuse. She has it set in her head that I will be there for the first week and a day. There's no way she'd try it alone beforehand.

What about trying a more gradual shift from supported to non supported travel.

So you do the 6 days with her. Then a few days where you take and collect her half way, then you take her part way and she comes home all by herself, then finally a solo journey?

Assuming she is autistic, her anxiety will be sky high with the change of school and all the newness so she'll be less able to cope with the uncertainty around travel. So it may be worth "investing" in that extra support to avoid totally overwhelming her because that's when things like school refusal can start.

It may be easier - though more expensive - to seek a private diagnosis for her.

Sorry just saw you're low income so that won't work. Maybe speak to the GP about it?