To think SIL is being strange with our baby

Kope · 2023-09-02T23:08:22+00:00

We have a 6mnth old baby. Wife's sister buys baby a lot of clothes as gifts. Maybe 80% of his clothes. Whenever she comes over she assumes she will be the one who puts the baby to sleep and calls herself the baby whisperer. When the baby wakes up before we can get up, she will say that she will handle it and runs to placate or feed baby. Today she bought him a 5ft tall giraffe. It looks very expensive but neither wife nor I like it. My wife has moved the toy out of the nursery as she thinks it is creepy. My wife told me her sister would love a baby but has a medical condition which means conceiving will be difficult. AIBU in thinking SIL is almost trying to mother our baby?

MooseBreath · 03/09/2023 00:17

It sounds like she genuinely wishes she could have children of her own and is trying to be as involved as she can be with her nephew. I would gently tell her that you appreciate her help, but the gifts are too much and you would prefer to do night wakings yourselves.

That said, if you trust her, I think you should let her do the odd bedtime or night waking. It gives you a break as parents and lets your child develop a close family relationship.

Scylax · 03/09/2023 00:21

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to think what you do, but if you trust her I’d let her have that joy.

BorrowedThyme · 03/09/2023 00:23

She probably loves your baby madly. People often talk about the overwhelming love a parent has for their own baby, but it happens to aunties and uncles too. I was totally caught out by the love I felt for my nephew when my sister had him, and I don't even like my sister!

You baby is lucky to have a doting aunty, and you should appreciate her, but maybe a conversation about limiting what she gives them and does for them - please frame it kindly "Its fantastic for our baby to have such a loving aunty, but IN THE LONG TERM we are not able to store so many gifts" etc making it clear you are hoping for a long term relationship between them and are setting this up, rather than trying to limit the relationship, if you see what I mean

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/09/2023 00:26

Sounds like you have a very lucky baby with multiple people who love them very much.

I don't think it's strange at all.

Viewfrommyhouse · 03/09/2023 00:28

I wasn't too dissimilar with my brothers baby when she was born. It was before I had my own dc, and I'd never loved a child so much. I love her just as much now as I did then. To this day, she only comes 2nd to my ds, even though I have other nieces and nephews. I was never trying to mother her, just be the best aunty I could. I loved taking care of her. Bro and sil enjoyed the break!

Original poster

Kope · 03/09/2023 00:29

BorrowedThyme · 03/09/2023 00:23

She probably loves your baby madly. People often talk about the overwhelming love a parent has for their own baby, but it happens to aunties and uncles too. I was totally caught out by the love I felt for my nephew when my sister had him, and I don't even like my sister!

You baby is lucky to have a doting aunty, and you should appreciate her, but maybe a conversation about limiting what she gives them and does for them - please frame it kindly "Its fantastic for our baby to have such a loving aunty, but IN THE LONG TERM we are not able to store so many gifts" etc making it clear you are hoping for a long term relationship between them and are setting this up, rather than trying to limit the relationship, if you see what I mean

That's very helpful, thank you. I know that my wife is feeling a little irritated by it. For example she said she isn't being given the chance to do certain things with the baby because her sister beats her to it. For example, SIL buys toys and books very often for baby but wife would love to go out and buy these things too but we are absolutely saturated with books and toys. I think the baby has about 30 books now. We did initially appreciate it and I do think it is very kind and generous but it just feels a bit full on. Also the outfits she buys for him cost something like £50 an outfit.

OP posts:

TeaKitten · 03/09/2023 00:29

Sounds like your child has an aunt that loves them very much, and they are very lucky to have that love.

Original poster

Kope · 03/09/2023 00:32

Ok thank you all for your responses. We are grateful for her kindness and generosity. Perhaps we are just a little overwhelmed and have lost perspective. We are indeed lucky to have her as an aunt to our son

OP posts:

TeaKitten · 03/09/2023 00:33

Kope · 03/09/2023 00:29

That's very helpful, thank you. I know that my wife is feeling a little irritated by it. For example she said she isn't being given the chance to do certain things with the baby because her sister beats her to it. For example, SIL buys toys and books very often for baby but wife would love to go out and buy these things too but we are absolutely saturated with books and toys. I think the baby has about 30 books now. We did initially appreciate it and I do think it is very kind and generous but it just feels a bit full on. Also the outfits she buys for him cost something like £50 an outfit.

Show quote history

Have you tried asking her not to buy so much? Or just donate the excess?

Mamai90 · 03/09/2023 00:45

I don't think it's strange, in fact my BIL could probably have written a similar post after my sister had my two nephews. I was besotted by them, spoilt them, loved buying them clothes. Had them over night from 3 months, took them any time my sister needed a break. I loved the like my own. They are 12 and 8 now and I know how grateful my sister and BIL were for the help.

I was suffering from infertility too, not when my first nephew was born but when my second was but that was irrelevant, I adored them so wanted to be as involved as I was allowed.

Now I have two tots and my sister is a big help to me, it's priceless.

WhateverMate · 03/09/2023 00:57

Lots of aunts/uncles are like this with their nieces/nephews so please don't use her difficulty in conceiving against her!

You both need to learn to use your voices if you feel she's buying too much, and as for your wife feeling 'she isn't being given the chance to do what she wants to do because her sister beats her to it', well that's just silly.

Again, she needs to use her voice as her sister probably thinks she's fine with it.

Adelaff · 03/09/2023 01:08

I would feel uncomfortable and mildly annoyed by this too. I have a grown up niece who behaves in a similar way, though less full on. She wasn't doing anything wrong exactly but I wasnt comfortable with how much she monopolised time with our youngest, declaring they had a 'special bond' and whisking him away at every family gathering. Other family members want cuddles too!

It's a tricky one to navigate. But she doesn't know what she doesn't know, so if you want her to reign it in a bit then you have to tell her. Re the gift giving, tell her she needs to stop for practical reasons - either you're running out of storage for all these items, or you have so many baby clothes that your child is growing out of things before they've had chance to wear all the new outfits

saythatagaintome · 03/09/2023 01:42

30 books is nothing… My baby is one and she has over 400 books. Many of these are picture books, of course.

As others have stated, it is wonderful that your baby has another person who loves him dearly. Cherish that <3

tt9 · 03/09/2023 02:09

I was the first baby in a large extended family and was spoilt doted on by many uncle and aunties. this hugely enriched my childhood. even if you feel irritated, this bond is genuine and valuable. the baby is still your baby, no one can change that. also she will be deeply hurt. she probably feels that this is her only chance to be maternal?

is it really worth rocking the boat?

tt9 · 03/09/2023 02:12

saythatagaintome · 03/09/2023 01:42

30 books is nothing… My baby is one and she has over 400 books. Many of these are picture books, of course.

As others have stated, it is wonderful that your baby has another person who loves him dearly. Cherish that <3

you have to be careful. you don't want too many picture books. ask the gift givers to start including some serious works, Tolstoy, chancer etc

otherwise no hopes of getting into the right prep school. I heard they have entry exams these days

lol. I gotta say I am a guilty person in this. I always buy books for my vet young nephews, they probably have 20/30 books just from me

smilesup · 03/09/2023 02:14

I would have loved to have an auntie who loved my children so much (and who helped out).

She is doing it from a place of love. I love my nephews and nieces so much but have no time for them because I have children of my own. I wish I could give them time and more love

Sapphire387 · 03/09/2023 02:46

Ha - I say let her crack on with the night wakings and enjoy your rest time!

Sensoria · 03/09/2023 03:04

She probably loves your baby madly. People often talk about the overwhelming love a parent has for their own baby, but it happens to aunties and uncles too. I was totally caught out by the love I felt for my nephew when my sister had him, and I don't even like my sister!

This!

I’m not close to one of my brothers, and we have historically had a difficult relationship. We had been LC for years and we would only ever speak or see each other when at our parents.

After I had DS, he completely changed. For the first year he would call me every single day to see how he is. He regularly wanted photos and would show them around like a very proud uncle. The bond he now has with DS is precious and DS adores him. Our relationship is still very superficial, but we talk much more often than we used to. He also visits my parents much more than he used to and stays for an entire week regularly, whereas before it would be a weekend every 2-3 months, just so he can see DS (we live close to my parents).

He has said a few times he never expected to feel this overwhelming love for DS, so sometimes aunts and uncles do change after a baby arrives.