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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how to give DD quality time

5 replies

Emeraldrings · 02/09/2023 22:35

I'm aware there is a similar thread but I'm having slightly different problems so just wanted some help or advice.
I feel completely done. I have a 3 year old who I strongly suspect has either autism or global delay. He is non verbal and will sometimes lash out although he doesn't really tend to do that at nursery. He doesn't always eat much but recently I have seen him trying to eat the contents of his nappy, coins and he bites things. I've lost count of the number of non bite cups he's bitten through and he'll often bite or lick furniture or windows.
He's recently begun pinching, despite being told no and shown kind hands. I don't think he understands.
He doesn't really attempt to socialize or engage at nursery. He might pick up a dinosaur and sit with it but he doesn't actively play with it. He has two plastic giraffes that go everywhere with him and he gets very distressed if he can't find them. (For example if he puts them down at nursery and a staff member puts them in his bag when he realizes they are gone he gets very upset). Nursery keep telling me they are putting things in place for him but I can't see any evidence of this.
Since May I have been working in the same room he's in but I'm moving rooms on Monday and apprehensive about how he'll cope.
My DD2 is autistic but is high functioning but she still requires support, especially in the holidays and she sometimes talks about how much easier it would be if she was dead.
My eldest is who I feel so awful for. So much energy goes on my two youngest that I feel she barely gets anything from me. I try to spend time with her every day but so often it gets interpreted.
I work 35 hours a week but with my children it's crippling me. DH and I have talked lots but he won't let me cut down my hours so that's it.
Work is the least of my worries though. I really need to hear from people who have a child with SEN and one who is NT? How do you make time for them?
I guess I'm lucky in a way that she's 17 so she understands but I still fear like she doesn't get enough of my time or energy. Do others manage it? Time with each child, but especially one who is sidelined by her siblings ?

OP posts:
Emeraldrings · 03/09/2023 01:03

Does no one have a similar situation? I often feel like I'm the only one with this issue but I thought reaching out to lots of people would mean I'd find at least one person who understood.

OP posts:
Justfornow28 · 03/09/2023 01:34

Im your daughter in this situation although older and 1 sibling, so no parent side advice but it is absolutely shit. Ive posted in a thread under this username before on a thread about severe autisum/profound learning difficulties. Ive never had any one to one time with my mum and tbh i dont even know what we would talk about if we did. I love my mum but i wish she was just me mum. I cant wait for her to be free off him.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 03/09/2023 11:56

How old is your DS2? Just wondering as if there's a bit of a gap this is more recent you haven't been able to do much one on one and that makes a difference I think. I was a young carer, helped my single mum with my siblings care. It's left its mark, but there was years of this as me and my siblings were very close in age. I ended up in an abusive relationship. The guilt, the being responsible and blamed for everything, the putting myself last, all felt very normal to me.

im on the other side of it now as I have three Autistic kids, no NT kids but the juggle may be similar in some ways as one of my kids has a lot higher level of need than the other two...It's a balancing act always, I feel like someone is always in crisis or missing out. One has a lot higher needs than the other two and it's easy to get lost in that. If you can carve out even little bits of time I think it can help them feel valued. Find something small you both enjoy . Watch a show, play a board game, have a coffee and a chat after the others are in bed. If DD2 is close in age and up late you could do something like give DD2 some screen time on a tablet one night a week while you have a catch up with DD1.

Emeraldrings · 03/09/2023 16:56

DD2 is 15 she was diagnosed at 10 with autism but it was obvious before that something was wrong. She did do a lot of masking until she was about 6.
I think when I had my first two it was easier to find time for DD1 but it's so much harder now.
We did manage to go for a swim and coffee last week as I had a couple of days off but it's really hard to find time.
I feel awful reading these replies as I never want DD1 to feel less valued than her siblings.

OP posts:
ChimChimeny · 03/09/2023 16:58

As she's 17 has there any time after the younger two have gone to bed when you can just sit and chat or watch tv together?

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