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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What if he's the reason I'm ill

12 replies

Whatintheworldgirl · 02/09/2023 21:15

Just a bit of context to my late night pondering.

TW discussion of mental health and baby loss.

I met my current partner at the beginning of 2022. We worked together. I got the job at the same place as him after being in a really really bad relationship. Something that really messed me up. It ended in him moving across the world and me losing a pregnancy. I believe my last partner was one of those relationships where you learn alot about yourself and about life and love. It broke my heart. I felt that myself and my current partner got into a situationship incredibly quickly. I wasn't comfortable or even in the right head space. I've just been brought up in a way that I find it hard to say no. I don't truly believe I was ready but he said all the right things and made all the right promises. We met January 2022 and by march he had moved into my place. There wasn't much conversation to this, he just kindve brought things every now and then when he stayed over and it just become the norm that we would go to work together and come home together. He's fun, well he was fun. We used to laugh and I used to cook for us and we'd watch movies. It was quite nice in the beginning. Like having a friend who lived with me. I felt like I could fall in love with this person but a month after he moved in I started to get really poorly. I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. The bad thoughts just kept running through my mind. I ended up in hospital atleast twice every month. With malnutrition, with dehydration, with panic attacks. I just felt like I lost myself. It's crazy because my previous partner was the one who I feel would be the reason I would break. The way he treated me, spoke to me, hurt me but no. The man who I believed was sweet was around and it seemed I was hitting this life crisis which has almost killed me. Doctors and nurses started refusing him entry into my wards, they would question me each time I attended about whether I was safe or if I was in an abusive relationship. Which at first made me incredibly angry. Of course not. He was sweet and he was always around because he loved me and was worried about me...but..why am I having this crisis? Why did multiple people, at completely different times and places assume he was abusive. What was I portraying, what was he portraying?

I know this is all a mad mess of a ramble but I can't help but think as I sit here on my sitting room floor with countless anti anxiety and anti sickness medications, could this all be caused by me feeling trapped in a relationship? I should be happy. I should feel love towards him. Why am I so sad? Why am I punishing my body, why am I feeling so ill and hopeless everyday? I'm 30 next month. Is this just a life crisis? What's wrong with me 😭

OP posts:

TheSilentSister · 02/09/2023 21:30

You know what you have to do don't you, get rid. It's not unusual for others to see what's going on when you're stuck in the middle of it. Take heed.
I've been there. Too consumed by wondering what the hell am I doing to think clearly. For me, I woke up one day and thought, enough is enough and made plans to get out of an awful marriage. The day I was finally free was the best feeling. The thought that I could spend the next x amount of years like this was enough to spur me
You are never too young or old to make changes for the better.

Original poster

Whatintheworldgirl · 02/09/2023 21:36

TheSilentSister · 02/09/2023 21:30

I agree but why am I scared? What the hell is wrong with me? I feel like I'm just being emotional and stupid and throwing away something that 'could' be something. I'm almost bloody 30. I should have my shit together by now when in reality I just want to be alone. I don't want to fake happiness or love in a relationship. I just want to heal but I can't heal in a place that's broken me.

I'm sorry I sound so selfish. I hope you're having a lovely evening and you're happy in life PP x

OP posts:

Mum2jenny · 02/09/2023 21:41

You need to live by yourself for a couple of years to really understand you, if that makes any sense.

s4usagefingers · 02/09/2023 21:42

It sounds like you need time to yourself to figure things out.

OccupantofInterplanetaryCraft · 02/09/2023 21:52

I think your body is doing the talking because your mind is not listening.

And your body is speaking to a lot of people

TempName247 · 02/09/2023 21:54

you think that he is making you so unhappy you are ill or are you suspecting he could be physically making you ill? Do you get better during your hospital stays? Does he feed you or prepare you drinks?

MakeItRain · 02/09/2023 21:57

It sounds like you really want to be alone. Years ago I had a counsellor, and I remember asking her what caused panic attacks. She said she believed that when people don't express their emotions, that they "have to come out somehow" and she believed these repressed emotions came out as panic. So for example, when your partner moved in without discussing it with you, there may have been a part of you that was really angry, but you suppressed it.

I'm not saying that what she said isn't up for debate, but it did make sense to me. It took a long time, but I learnt to recognise that when I was having a panic attack, that somewhere buried underneath that was an emotion I was suppressing. Eg I remember having a panic attack while driving once, but unpicking it after, realising that underneath I was actually really angry because I'd been railroaded into driving somewhere when I really didn't want to. I didn't feel in the least bit angry at the time though, I just felt panic.

Maybe underneath your panic, there are lots of emotions going on that you're not in tune with. It doesn't sound like you were ready for your relationship. Perhaps like others are saying you need to live alone, and consider counselling if you can. I know it doesn't work for everyone but it was a life changer for me. If you do decide to go it alone, take it one day at a time. It takes a while, but little by little things do get better. 💐

GetToTheChopperrr · 02/09/2023 22:02

If you've ended up in hospital with malnutrition and dehydration, then are you managing to eat and drink during the day? Do you have access to food and drink?

CarasMama · 02/09/2023 22:03

TempName247 · 02/09/2023 21:54

This.
Any chance he's drugging/poisoning you either directly or by tampering with foods/drinks that only you eat?

I'm also confused by your first post.
Are the hospital staff denying current BF entry or your last one too?

Quartz2208 · 02/09/2023 22:57

It sounds as if he broke down your boundaries so silently and is just always there yiu have no peace.

you need to find you and time to heal so yes let him go

k1233 · 03/09/2023 00:04

This stuck out to me on your post I feel like I'm just being emotional and stupid and throwing away something that 'could' be something.

Unfortunately, for you, the relationship isn't right. You're not feeling it. It is not something to you. It's been over 18 months (I think that's right?). It's been long enough. You're not going to feel it. This relationship is not right for you, and that is all that matters. You need to think about you and be selfish - it's in your own best interests to end the relationship.

TempName247 · 03/09/2023 08:49

Was there an incident or argument before you became ill?

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