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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not take children to visit ex in hospital

15 replies

Dancesalong · 02/09/2023 19:49

So divorced 6 years as ex was abusive both physically and mentally- since then he always try’s to control things like cancelling having 2 x DS etc he even took me to court regarding access (I never stopped it) and the judge gave him less than he started. He has never done Drs appointments, SEN meetings , autism assessments or even once taken or picked youngest DS up from school - he is 10 and ex doesn’t work (I do full time)
this weekend he texted he can’t have boys as in hospital and will be for weeks - fine I have plans but will arrange the boys. He texted this afternoon that as it’s ‘his’ weekend to have them boys I should bring them to visit him in hospital this evening. Replied I have pre arranged plans so both DS are at my mums for the night but can try during the week but obviously they start back at school and I have work and the hospital is over an hour away - he has left me awful voicemails about how awful I am and even my mum has rang me as boys are upset as their dad has texted them about wanting to see them and I have stopped contact.
AIBU to tell him due to his emotional blackmail I won’t be making a 2+ journey at all now or should I suck it up and take the children

OP posts:

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 02/09/2023 19:53

No, you're not a taxi driver. Show your children that emotional abuse will not be tolerated.

AuntieStella · 02/09/2023 19:57

If he wanted to see the DC on his weekend, when he was indisposed, he should have made arrangements for someone to have them (maybe paternal GPs) and for them to bring them to see him in hospital.

As he's just told you to have them, then YANBU to only do what is administratively possible for you.

Tell the DC there has been a muddle, and that their DDad had asked you to have them; you are not stopping contact but can't manage the journey this weekend; that they will see him again soon.

Then tell him precisely what you can and cannot do, an tell him that DC remain available for contact on "his" weekends if he can make arrangements, or he can have "catch up" weekends once he is home and well.

jallopeno · 02/09/2023 19:58

He should have arranged for someone to get them.

Whawillthefuturebring · 02/09/2023 19:59

Hospitals in our trust don’t allow under 12s to visit.

Original poster

Dancesalong · 02/09/2023 20:02

His parents are dead and neither of his sisters talk to him because of his behaviour towards them over the last few years- trying to tell them what to do.
Personally I find it odd he was admitted to hospital yesterday and they told him it will be a few weeks.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dancesalong · 02/09/2023 20:03

I didn’t even think about age restrictions- but that wouldn’t impact him as he would happily see eldest DS 12 and not youngest (has ASD) and ex feels he is too ‘mummy’

OP posts:

ConnieTucker · 02/09/2023 20:04

He fucks off and you keep all the voice mails and messages. Especially those to the children.

RandomMess · 02/09/2023 20:04

Meh not your problem.

strawberry2017 · 02/09/2023 20:15

What's he in for?

It's not your responsibility to help him maintain the relationship, it's his responsibility.
He told you he can't have them so he doesn't get to dictate anything.

WheresMyChunkz · 02/09/2023 21:09

Screenshot the messages he has sent your children and send them to your phone so you have a record of him lying to / manipulating them. You should not feel obligated to put yourself out that much to drive all the way there - it's presumably fairly routine hospital stay (ie not potentially life ending etc).

Noorandapples · 02/09/2023 21:15

Not being unreasonable. Abusers don't get to have extra consideration. If he wanted them to visit he should have arranged for childcare to facilitate that. Don't be manipulated into a visit.

Original poster

Dancesalong · 02/09/2023 21:28

Glad I am not being unreasonable- he has a habit of turning things so that I am the bad guy.
No idea what he is in for as wouldn’t ask him
Previously I had major pre planned surgery and asked if he could could collect boys from school rather then me find someone to collect and watch them and Jim collect at 6pm and was told my health isn’t his problem so wouldn’t so I wouldn’t ask

OP posts:

MassiveWordSalad · 02/09/2023 21:32

Are you not tempted to tell him his health is not your problem then?

Maray1967 · 02/09/2023 21:36

As he said to you - repeat back to him, reminding him that he said that. Tell your DCs that there’s been a misunderstanding and that you’re not able to take them to see him in hospital.

CapEBarra · 02/09/2023 21:42

If you can find that message I’d just forward it to him with the comment ‘And your health is not my problem. Let me know when you’re available to collect them’.

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