Cancelling a wedding invite last minute

[Galaxative]

Dhs friend is getting married, and has invited us, plus our young children, to the wedding reception.
My kids are both on the spectrum, find crowds/noises extremely stressful, and I don't do well in them either.
From the start, DH never 'asked' the kids and I whether we wanted to go, he told us we were going and that's that. We all made it clear we weren't happy, he knows the kids don't do well in those situations, but it seemed to fall on deaf ears. It's absolutely fine for him to go solo, but he is adamant on all of us being there.

The wedding is fast approaching and we're miserable. The kids are getting stressed at the thought of going, I am too, and we really do not want to go. I've never met the bride, nor has DH, and I've only met the groom twice (in passing) in over ten years. We're by no means close friends or even acquaintances.

DH has a tendency to want to tote me around to many social gatherings, and he has a habit of not asking but telling me that's where I'm going. Whenever I ask him if he'd like to visit my friends or family, he goes to the gym instead, so I don't think things are exactly equal here.

I understand that the wedding couple would've been planning their wedding for a while, and money etc, but Im thinking of my kids having a meltdown on the night.

So: AIBU to tell DH to attend the wedding on his own?

They will have already paid for your meal.

Go, but leave early if the DC are unhappy?

I think you should have said that right at the beginning, but then... he should have asked. Your relationship sounds odd - is he normally controlling?

How far off is it? Some couples would be delighted as it would mean they could ask someone else.

There's a clear imbalance in your relationship if he is telling you to do things and you don't feel able to say no, while he pisses off to the gym when you want to do stuff with your family.

How far away is the reception ? Are you staying near by ? Could you get a taxi if the children find it too much ?

This couple do not want your children there with the possibility there will be a meltdown. They will be delighted to not have your kids there and the chance to invite a few other people instead. Be honest, and send a nice gift. You not attending is better for literally everyone involved.

Go, but don’t bring the children.

Also, the children are only miserable and stressed because they are copying your behaviour. They should barely know it’s coming up unless they are teens and you had to make sure they remember it’s happening.

I fully appreciate how you feel - I would absolutely feel the same - but you should guard how you “train” your kids to react to things.

If you're not going tell them as soon as possible. It will have cost money for the 3 meals and that will go to waste if you just don't show up on the day. Give them notice now so they can invite others to take your place.

You already accepted, so you should go. And leave after the meal if necessary

You should have cancelled ages ago so the couple didn't have to plan for you and pay for your meal. It takes a lot of work to arrange seating plans and they have probably paid a lot of money for your food.

At this point I would go, because honestly you've left it too late not to. But make it clear to your husband that this is the last time and be more assertive in future.

Its really up to you whether you pull out or not, depends on how comfortable you feel doing that and how much blow back you will get.

Is there anyway you could contact the couple yourself and ask how comfortable they are with young children being present? It might be a great family wedding with facilities, or it might be a more formal do. At least you would be prepared.

Given that neither of you know the couple that well (including your DH if he's not seen groom for 10 years and never met the Bride)

It sounds like your DH hasn't thought this through.
Can you present this in terms of practicalities, rather than making it sound like a complaint. ie.. what do you think we could both do if a b c?

How long is your DH expecting your children to be in attendance? What about bedtime?
Is the wedding local to you?
That would give you an opportunity to leave early, even if it means an uber.
Or are you staying in accommodation - again that's a chance to bow out of the post-wedding reception on the grounds that they are tired.
How helpful will DH in helping you take them outside if they get noisy during the ceremony? What are his suggestions for how to handle this? Are they realistic.
EG. Can you ask Ushers to be sat near the back and next to the end of a row for a quick getaway if they kick off?
Do your children need highchairs/ ear plugs? / snacks and books, to distract?

Perhaps if he sees the practicalities presented well, he will realise that this is not an easy task and might be more helpful helping you navigate it.

Your children look to you to keep them secure and feeling safe. Do not put your kids in a situation they are already dreading. Do not put yourself in a situation you are already dreading. But more importantly you know your kids are going to lose it, so why put them in that situation. It is really your husband’s responsibility to explain to the couple that you and the kids cannot attend and why. I have a feeling that responsibility is going to fall on you though because your husband sounds awful. Do not go to this wedding. The couple will not care if you and some kids who are probably going to lose their s**t at their wedding do not attend. They will be happy if you don’t go actually if the situation is explained to them. Can you really envision telling a couple what’s going on and having them react like huffy monsters? No, of course not. You are the last thing on their minds. Send a nice gift. Don’t go.

Tell them now and offer to cover the wasted meals. I had 3 late cancellations and it cost me £250!

Don’t cancel if the wedding is in less than a month. If it’s further away then yes do it.

Sorry Im a bit confused , is it just the evening reception? If so I'd be really ill that day and just tell husband to go by himself.

Can you get a babysitter/family member to look after the kids? I doubt they want them there either. 2 kids they don’t know who will be unhappy and potentially disruptive.

You can only pull out if it’s a good few weeks to go. Last minute cancellations are not on - the meals will have been paid for. Unless it’s eve only?

If you had said no at the start, that would have been fine.
But as you've left it this long I think YABU to cancel this late as if its "fast approaching" it may well mean your place will be paid for.
Honestly I would go and see how it goes. Quite often at weddings there are plenty of opportunities to slope off for a walk/fresh air/find a quiet corner. Take some earplugs/distractions. Then next time you need to be firm with DH from the get go and be very clear you are not going before he RSVPs!

I’m assuming it’s “just” the evening? It’s not ideal to cancel either way but not too bad if it’s the evening part.

You’ve already told your husband you don’t want to go thought, why will he listen this time?

I think the bigger issue here is that you and your dh are very much on different pages. How has it got to the point where your dh is close enough friends with someone that they want to invite him and his family their wedding but you barely know them. How has it got to the stage where your dh never meets your friends and your family. Do you both have entirely separate social lives? It doesn't seem like an equal partnership and I wonder if you are happy with this? I suspect that all of this is colouring your views about not wanting to go. Is it possible to find someone to look after the kiss, you could go with dh and say the kids are ill, then make your apologies and leave early to get back for the kids? Longer term you need to have a think about whether you enjoy living like this, with a lack of communication or feeling like you can't say no to your dh.