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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Teen out of control

29 replies

Teencrisis · 02/09/2023 08:48

Not really Aibu but want opinions on what to do. Ds is 16. I have been aware he has smoked weed for a while. I have talked to him constantly about county lines, damage to his developing brain etc etc. Nothing has worked. We can’t stop him going out but he lies about where is going and is become more aggressive .We have stopped giving him any money and he doesn’t have any income.Last night he came home and was clearly under the influence of something. I tried calmly talking to him about how worried I was. I asked him if he had eaten anything this evening as he went out before tea. He said he bought food but I asked him where he got money from. He said he had money in his bank account and showed me his online bank balance of £19. I asked him where that money had come from but he wouldn’t say. My mind is fearing all sorts of scenarios. I can’t get into bank details. I’m so worried and I’m not sure who to turn to. He was a lovely bright boy who comes from a loving family. Wwyd?

OP posts:
OliveWah · 03/09/2023 14:27

With our teens, having Life360 active on their phones at all times is what we ask in return for us paying their phone bills. I agree with PPs that knowing where your DS is, is vitally important if you're going to be able to get to the root of the problem.

Woush · 03/09/2023 14:58

saying that actually he won't be able to go out at all! unless he's done the basics

For many teens, that authoritarian approach just leads to more deceit and secrecy - sneaking out in the night, climbing out if windows. Not a great way to develop respect snd trust in the teen-parent relationship. That said, it may well work for other children.

this behaviour simply not acceptable and we won't tolerate it in or you will have to consider leaving if it carries on. I may have to look at you getting a job, finding your own flat.

He's 16. Throwing a child out of home at 16 means Mum amd Dad both deciding to renounce your parental responsibility to social services and child going into a care home. Far from that solving anything, it will make his life chances far, far, far worse.

Even at 18, "finding a flat" is near on impossible. Have you looked at the rental market? Landlords can pick and choose, and they won't chose an 18yo kicked out of home. You'd have to guarantor for him and pass affordability tests to pay his rent as well as yours. You'd have to get him massive amounts of deposit cash upfront. Even children that want to leave home at 18 and are supported find it hard to find somewhere. He'd likely end up in a dingy house share.

That would all likely make the risk taking escalate. I don't think it's actually solve anything. Reminds me if the saying to take a sledge hammer to crack a nut. Just treat him like someone you love, care about, want to understand snd are willing to negotiate with - from that will grow respect, trust and responsibility.

Iheartbobross · 03/09/2023 16:16

Absolutely agree with @Woush - wish you were dsl at my school!

Oblomov23 · 03/09/2023 17:48

My advice had lots of different parts. I was only trying to offer some suggestions. I made tonnes. If some/all don't suit/help, no offence taken.
I've had my fucking share of problems before. Things have been stable for last 4+ years, but I wouldn't wish the problems I had before that on anyone!

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