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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for support in handling the next few weeks?

28 replies

Livingtothefull · 01/09/2023 22:55

The background is as follows:

I have a mentally and physically disabled adult DS, work full time. DS is usually at a residential care home for much of his time.

We have all been ill this week and have had to keep DS at home with us because of it. DS & I are a little better now & I am back at work.

Work has been very intense lately, I have been working from home, recovering, and managing what is euphemistically termed DS 'personal care' - I had a thread which detailed what that involved and Mumsnet saw fit to put a trigger warning on it, so I won't go into what 'personal care' entails now. Let's just say that managing this, my recovery & my stressful job has been a 'juggle' - DH has been too ill to help out much with this.

I have been longing for the weekend to come when hopefully we would be better, use the respite care for DS to do something fun & we could maybe even have a family treat to make up for the hard week we have all had?

Today though DH has tested Covid positive. I haven't tested myself or DS yet but of course will have to before we go anywhere or meet anyone. As DH is positive we can't put the respite carers at risk so they can't come - DS probably won't be able to go to the care home as planned but will be stuck at home another week. Treats out of the question, I am not sure if I can even get to the supermarket.

I have to face next week being like this one. Added to that, next week is likely to be even more challenging with a lot of extremely sensitive issues & meetings planned. How am I going to manage that with DS at home and DH too ill to help? No family, just an elderly relative I have been neglecting because obviously, I can't go near them right now.

Any insights as to how to keep myself calm & sane?

OP posts:
MintyCedric · 01/09/2023 23:01

Oh blimey I’m so sorry you’re in this position.

I assume the sensitive issues and meetings planned are to do with your work? Could someone else help out or they be postponed?

Otherwise, I’d suggest anything that can make your life easier. When I was caring for my dad on end of life during Covid lockdowns sometimes I’d have a week where I’d buy a load of picky bits for lunch, paper plates (didn’t have a dishwasher at the time) and ready meals which eliminated catering.

I think just do whatever you need to to survive the next week…I know it’s so hard when you don’t have family support.

MintyCedric · 01/09/2023 23:02

I didn’t see your other post so I don’t know exactly what you’re dealing with care wise but I know personal care can be soul destroying grim.

Can you get a few treats in just for you? Calm up and take five minutes if it gets too much? I also find aromatherapy really helpful.

RoomOfRequirement · 01/09/2023 23:04

DH has covid? Does he have anything else wrong seriously? If not I don't see why he can't help with DS too. Did you still care for DS while sick this week? Of course you did.

Men always seem to be 'too sick' to help with jobs when they have a virus, women just have to get on with it. 'Sick' isn't a way to opt out of parenting, even the difficult parts.

Original poster
Livingtothefull · 01/09/2023 23:06

Thanks @MintyCedric, yes the issues & meetings are to do with work, sorry for not making that clear. That is good advice so I will need to plan over the weekend for meals that can be put together easily and that DS likes as I can't just pop out to the shops when I have him.

It is such a blow not having carers as they normally bath him, brush his teeth etc we will now have to do that ourselves. But it can't be helped.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livingtothefull · 01/09/2023 23:08

In fairness DH is very hands on with DS care and doesn't normally delegate it all to me. He has done some of it but it can be physically challenging & I think he is really very unwell at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livingtothefull · 01/09/2023 23:10

Yes caring can be bloody grim. It really has to be experienced to be believed. It is isolating too, it is not something I can discuss with a colleague over a cup of coffee.

OP posts:
Hohofortherobbers · 01/09/2023 23:13

If DS is not covid positive why can't he go to respite as planned? What's the current guidance?

Tulipvase · 01/09/2023 23:13

I’m not sure I understand why your son has to stay at home and not in care because he is Ill? Sorry if that’s insensitive, I really feel for you. It must be such hard work.

Hohofortherobbers · 01/09/2023 23:14

Are you obliged to test DS before respite?

Tulipvase · 01/09/2023 23:15

Meant to say, before the possible covid. Why was he home then?

Starlightstarbright2 · 01/09/2023 23:16

Can you do an online shop ?

I would do whatever it takes to get through … rent movies , takeaway delivery ..do not beat yourself up what you can’t do .

I am guessing your Ds would be quite vulnerable if he caught Covid .

wishing you a speedy recovery for Dh and avoidance for you and Ds

Original poster
Livingtothefull · 01/09/2023 23:17

DS was at home when he became ill @Tulipvase . We don't want to return him to the home where there are a lot of vulnerable people.

OP posts:
grumpycow1 · 01/09/2023 23:19

Does your work have a carers policy? Could you take some leave? Or call in sick a couple of days. Otherwise it sounds like it will all be too much.

Original poster
Livingtothefull · 01/09/2023 23:20

Yes he is vulnerable @Starlightstarbright2 and lives with other vulnerable people. At least the good news is he seems to be getting better now. But he is distressed by the whole experience of being ill because he doesn't understand it due to his learning difficulties. Doesn't understand why his nose is running etc.

OP posts:
Tulipvase · 01/09/2023 23:21

Livingtothefull · 01/09/2023 23:17

DS was at home when he became ill @Tulipvase . We don't want to return him to the home where there are a lot of vulnerable people.

I see.

I can’t really think of any practical solutions but I do hope everyone feels better very soon.

Any way of FaceTiming or similar the elderly relative to ease the (unnecessary) guilt.

Original poster
Livingtothefull · 01/09/2023 23:23

I could take some leave @grumpycow1 and have some to take. Though would rather use it to do fun things rather than just to survive the current grind at home. If DS & I are well enough we could maybe take a day or two to go out & do something fun.

OP posts:
Claireshh · 01/09/2023 23:23

to give you a tiny bit of hope someone in my family had covid a few weeks ago. They only tested positive for three days and no one else caught it.

Original poster
Livingtothefull · 01/09/2023 23:25

Thanks @Claireshh , fingers crossed we haven't caught it. I will leave it until closer to the time we are due to mix with people, to test myself and DS.

OP posts:
Zippedydoodahday · 01/09/2023 23:26

Not ideal, but can you call in sick?

Can DH stay with DS whilst you go to the shops wearing a mask?

Can you order meals from Cook or similar?

Original poster
Livingtothefull · 01/09/2023 23:27

Unfortunately it is not really possible to communicate with the relative except face to face. I am feeling really guilty about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livingtothefull · 01/09/2023 23:30

I will do that as a last resort @Zippedydoodahday but yes will try to arrange some down time & book leave around work commitments. It has been truly miserable being stuck at home this week with all of us sick....but if he is well enough DS could come with me to the shops in his wheelchair, he likes that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livingtothefull · 01/09/2023 23:35

I am not sure of the current guidance @Hohofortherobbers though will need to ask the care home whether they are prepared to take him. I would guess not as they are very conscious of the Covid risk.

OP posts:
Zippedydoodahday · 01/09/2023 23:37

I don't think taking sick leave should be a last resort. You have been unwell this week and struggling on and are presumably stressed and run down. You can't pour from an empty cup.

Original poster
Livingtothefull · 01/09/2023 23:41

Thanks a lot for that@Zippedydoodahday, point taken.

OP posts:
MStarG · 01/09/2023 23:50

If you and DS have been ill this week are you sure you it wasn't covid you were ill with?
My DH had it a couple of weeks ago and tested positive and then I was ill straight after but testing negative. There was no way it was something different I had but for some reason I didn't get a positive lateral flow.

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