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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People not understanding how hard the first trimester can be - ‘you don’t look very pregnant’

26 replies

Montydin · 01/09/2023 21:07

I’m currently 8 weeks pregnant and I feel AWFUL, I’m pretty much nauseous from mid-morning until bedtime, which is now at about 7pm as I’m unable to keep my eyes open past then! I’m so exhausted I actually fell asleep at my desk last week (luckily I wfh). I’m bloated constantly which makes me feel sluggish, feel dizzy in crowded places and just generally feeling crap.

However I’m really struggling to get across how badly I’m feeling to people that know I’m pregnant and can help which I think is because most of them (mainly males) think that I don’t look very pregnant. My DH is sympathetic but I’m not sure he gets it completely. I asked my manager if I could flex my hours to start later when I’m needed in the office to avoid crowded transport, but he sort of implied I’m not very pregnant so probably not necessary yet. I asked if I could sit down on a crowded bus last week as I genuinely thought I would faint and no one would stand up, presumably because I don’t look pregnant, even though I explained I am!

I really think more could be done to raise awareness of just how difficult it can be more women in their first trimester. AIBU?

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 01/09/2023 21:10

YANBU. Bless you. I felt like absolute death for the first 12 weeks. If men were pregnant it would be enforced bed rest.

ToughFuss · 01/09/2023 21:11

YANBU at all. It’s shit really but god knows what could or would change it. It’s like invisible disabilities .. ‘but you don’t look disabled!’

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 01/09/2023 21:26

YANBU I felt like absolute shite for 12 weeks.

Circe7 · 01/09/2023 21:29

I felt awful. I’d prefer go through labour again than the first trimester by a long shot. And I was never as tired again even with a newborn. I felt loads better at 14 weeks though.

Bananaspliff · 01/09/2023 21:31

YANBU at all. I felt like shit for the first trimester. I wanted to punch all the people that told me eating ginger biscuits would solve my morning sickness.

phoenixrosehere · 01/09/2023 21:36

With my first, I was nauseous on a daily basis from 1 month until the 6th. The smell of many things turned my stomach. Manure absolutely fine, fabric softener, instant nausea.

Brown888 · 01/09/2023 21:36

I genuinely think the outlook on pregnancy in the UK is atrocious.
For most it's akin to the burden of an illness and I wish there were more allowances for it.
I feel utterly terrible until 2nd trimester and then can't breathe for the last 3 months as my babies squash my lungs.
In my original part of the world, there is a culture where pregnant women are helped and given lots of allowances to ease their day. They aren't expected to function in a physically identical way to a non pregnant woman. Sadly in the UK we are expected to grit our teeth and carry on as if we are not pregnant and if we dare complain or seek help we are treated as if we are being precious - which is not helped by the "I was fine during my pregnancy"/ "pregnancy is not an illness" brigade. Rant over lol

ActDottie · 01/09/2023 21:39

Yanbu currently 20 weeks and the first trimester was horrific!!!!! I was completely taken aback by how hard it was, if it was talked about more and awareness raised I think it could really help both those understand and also mothers to be who perhaps don’t know how bad it can be.

Original poster
Montydin · 01/09/2023 21:39

@Brown888 I really think the attitude of a lot of people is ‘well you’re pregnant, you brought it on yourself’. And whilst that might be true they seem to have missed the bigger picture that if no one became pregnant the human race would die out!

OP posts:
modgepodge · 01/09/2023 21:42

Fully with you on this OP. Both pregnancies I have had nausea (luckily no actual sickness) pretty much continuously up til week 11/12ish - I’m coming up 12 weeks now and it has eased in the last few days.

I also get dreadful headaches (generally, not just in pregnancy) and paracetamol is useless. I need ibuprofen and I can’t have it.

And the exhaustion!! For weeks I was in bed at 9pm every day, a full 2 hours earlier than usual.

plus the bloating, not feeling hungry but needing food to stop the nausea…

I can never understand when people enjoy being pregnant 😂 for me it’s a complete trial I have to survive for 9 months to get the end result.

RandomMess · 01/09/2023 21:44

It's amazing how many people don't get it's often a very different experience for each person.

I sailed through my first, not such my 4th. Had a friend who looked green from day 1 until the day she gave birth!

RunnyPaint · 01/09/2023 21:45

I found this. It's similar to having a cold. You feel the worst internally before the external symptoms become obvious. All the sympathy is expressed when you start to feel human again!

Curseofthenation · 01/09/2023 21:45

I had awful sickness during this pregnancy (my second) between 6 weeks and 14 weeks. I'm now in the last stretch of my third trimester and I'd rather be large and uncomfortable than go through that again. YANBU.

Ididivfama · 01/09/2023 21:47

I agree it’s the worst when you don’t look pregnant. Second trimester is a breeze comparatively (for most people) but you’ll get more sympathy then because of your bump. Anyway it doesn’t matter what’s going on or how you look, your symptoms are your symptoms and they have a duty to support you when you’re ill.

Gwendalino · 01/09/2023 21:48

The first trimester is awful, you have my
sympathies!

My boss told me that pregnancy is not an illness. Male boss, of course.

Because if you felt sick and nauseous and exhausted for weeks on end, everyone would feel sorry for you. But when you are making an entire new human being,
you‘re supposed to suck it up?!

MereDintofPandiculation · 01/09/2023 21:48

I remember having to travel on the tube one station at a time as I couldn't stand the motion any longer. One day I only just made it off the train before throwing up in a waste bin. Not my finest moment.

And no-one gives you a seat at that stage.

Rockhop · 01/09/2023 21:50

First trimester is a bitch, you have my full sympathies.

I remember having to sit on the train floor as I couldn't decide if I was going to throw up or pass out, I was around 8 weeks then too. I got a 'baby on board' badge after that, could you get one? Someone always gave up their seat to me, that badge was my saviour commuting!

Mummy08m · 01/09/2023 21:56

Yanbu the first trimester is arguably the most uncomfortable apart from maybe the last four weeks.

Totally agree with everything @Brown888 said especially the "pregnancy is not an illness" cliche - what a load of offensive crap. For so many women it's the least "well" they are in all their fertile years.

Take PGP/SPD for example - when else in one's life, barring major car accident or early-onset osteoporosis or very old age, would my pelvis fail to such an extent that every step is agony and I long for a wheelchair?

What kind of horrific illness would you have to have, that would make you non-stop nauseous for 3-4 whole months?

What kind of major problem would lead me to be kept awake all night by itchy feet and pulsatile tinnitus?

Comically swollen ankles... eye-wateringly low blood pressure...strange brown patches on the skin...an explosion of extra moles...double whammy of chronic dehydration plus urgency to wee...

Too right pregnancy is not an illness. It's way worse than any everyday illness. The only way you get through it is by knowing most of the ailments will go away after the birth. Most. My hips have never really been quite right since my first pregnancy.

Hope you're doing OK, op

Original poster
Montydin · 01/09/2023 21:59

@Rockhop luckily I don’t have to use the tube unless I’m in London as I live in the north, however I’ve never seen anyone with one here! It would probably make people less inclined to stand up 😀I would normally battle through but I’ve fainted before and the midwife told me to sit down if I think it will happen again so I don’t hurt myself.

OP posts:
Crunchingleaf · 01/09/2023 22:05

First trimester was by the worst for me for all three of my DC and that includes the pelic pain I had in last trimester. Months of constant nausea is absolutely horrendous. I my second I actually wet myself a few times I was throwing up so hard. Barely able to get through the day in work because of the exhaustion.

LadyShimura · 01/09/2023 22:11

Early pregnancy was hell for me.

I had a 4 month headache for the first 4 months. I used to get home from work and then need a nap because I was so tired.

Whyisitsosohard · 01/09/2023 22:16

I have a long torso and didn't look pregnant with mine till about 7 months. Nightmare. Nobody ever gave me a seat and the sickness was abysmal.

Mariposa26 · 01/09/2023 22:18

YANBU. It’s grim. Your body is doing an amazing thing - the amount of growth in the first 12 weeks is unbelievable. I just remember being so tired and being sick CONSTANTLY. Solidarity to you!

pointythings · 01/09/2023 22:19

You so have my sympathy! I found the first trimester incredibly hard both times, was intensely nauseous every waking moment (up to 20 weeks both times) and I was just so, so tired. I'd get up at 6.30, go to work, get home, DH would cook dinner I could eat (pretty much pasta with home made tomato sauce and cheese and that was it) and I'd be in bed by 8. The exhaustion is just unreal and you don't look pregnant. I was 'lucky' enough that I was constantly feeling so sick that I looked pea green and clammy, so people took me seriously.

Spottypineapple · 02/09/2023 06:12

YANBU

I think men think your belly gets bigger and that's the end of it. They have absolutely no appreciation of the toll taken on the body beyond just seeing the bump. Which makes explaining the first trimester even more difficult.

I was on a crowded train recently, even at 28 weeks visibly pregnant and exhausted a group of (standing) women all fought to get a man to stand up for me. His seated friend then berated him for letting me sit. He behaved like an absolute pig to be quite honest I was shocked.