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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to move in these circumstances

24 replies

jumperoozles · 01/09/2023 15:06

So myself and husband both really want to move to his hometown which is around 5 hours away from where we currently live. I have visited for long periods many times and absolutely love it there and think we would be very happy. The house prices are cheaper, better schools, near his family who I get on with very well.

Unfortunately the job situation for DH is a bit more tricky there and not that many jobs come up. However, he has just managed to get an interview for a job. The thing is I have just found out that I am pregnant with our second child due in April. This would mean if he gets it it would be a January start so would be selling up the house before Christmas and potentially having to live with his family for a while whilst we look for a house in the new area. It could also potentially mean we might not find anywhere suitable and I would have to give birth and have a newborn whilst at my in laws - as much as I love them I just feel like I would want my own space after giving birth.

I mentioned to my DH last night that I didn’t think the timing was the best. He was so upset saying a chance like this might not come up again and it’s what we’ve both wanted etc. it was left on a bit of a sour note.

AIBU to be a bit worried about this potential move now if he gets the job and how it’s all going to work out?

OP posts:
Drummend01 · 01/09/2023 16:41

Not unreasonable, it’s completely understandable to want your own space when you’ve just had a baby. But I also understand your husbands POV that this job opportunity might not come around again for a while.

Could you rent somewhere around the area for the interim? So there isn’t so much pressure to rush getting a house but you also get your own space

RejectedAgainandAgain · 01/09/2023 16:55

YANBU to be worried about it but... is there ever a good time to move? It's an upheaval and a hassle but that will be the same whether you've a newborn or a toddler or kids on school. If you've made the decision to move because you like the place and will have family support, go for it.

BasiliskStare · 01/09/2023 16:55

I don't think you are being unreasonable but if a chance comes up to get something for which the stars may not collide for a while it might be worth doing it. If DH's job works out and you think you can find a nice house which seems give you so many advantages it may be worth it. Or if you can afford ittake a short term let nearby.

I'd go for it and if the job works out concentrate on selling and buying . I know that will be stressful whilst having a new baby and maybe staying with DPILs but if it works out you may forget that in time.

What's you other option - wait until Dh is offered another ( sounds like rare ) job in the area you want to live ?

I wish you well whatever you decide @jumperoozles

SoundsLikeAYouProblem · 01/09/2023 17:38

You are seeing a lot of negatives.

If he gets offered this job for a January start you could get your house listed asap.
Your baby is due in April, you could be in a new house and have the new nursery decorated way before your due date.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Dascha · 01/09/2023 17:45

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

If funds allow, consider grabbing the opportunity and moving into a rented house or flat by Feb. It would make everything so much easier, it doesn't have to be a long term commitment or a palace, just a basic roof over your heads for 6 months or so.

HeddaGarbled · 01/09/2023 19:15

This seems like pretty good timing to me. April gives you loads of time. January’s tighter but still doable.

No reason he can’t stay at his parents to start the new job temporarily if you haven’t managed to complete by then.

If staying with his folks isn’t what you want, you just need to dig your heels in on that aspect. There are alternatives and it seems foolish to give up such a heaven-sent opportunity.

Mugaloaf · 04/09/2023 08:17

I don't think YABU for how you feel, but I think the suggestion to rent somewhere is a really good idea if you're able to that.

Essexmumma1720 · 04/09/2023 18:09

Myself, my husband and our son (2 at the time) had a very similar situation. We purchased a house which needed doing up and moved from South to North. Covid delayed a lot with the house being ready. I was heavily pregnant when we moved in to my inlaws and I ended up having the baby while we were staying there. I wanted our own space but it was actually really nice to have help with a 2 year old and a newborn. I could sleep if I needed to, take a shower, help with washing, I was fed 🤣 also I had time for my 2 year old and my newborn with less mum guilt.
It might not be as bad as your thinking but it depends how close you are.
I'd say the worst bit was the last week of pregnancy feeling like a fat whale and not being able to get comfortable but I just took myself upstairs and watched TV in bed.

Duechristmas · 04/09/2023 18:21

It's ok to be worried. It's not ok to stop the move.

Malapataraso · 04/09/2023 18:27

Don’t do it. Stay where you are. A newborn while living with your in-laws, selling a house, buying a new house, aughhhhh! No. Why would you put yourself through all that stress when you literally do not have to do any of those terrible things.

Also, you like his family when they are 5 hours away and you see them for stretches during the year. You want to go from a 5 hour in-law buffer zone to a 5 minute buffer zone? Why would you ever do that to yourself?

This pregnancy was a blessing because it’s an opportunity to put the brakes on this move and let you make the correct decision to stay where you are.

Totalwasteofpaper · 04/09/2023 19:07

Dascha · 01/09/2023 17:45

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

If funds allow, consider grabbing the opportunity and moving into a rented house or flat by Feb. It would make everything so much easier, it doesn't have to be a long term commitment or a palace, just a basic roof over your heads for 6 months or so.

This.
I Think you are being a bit short sighted.

I would 100% take short term pain for long term gain.
We renovated the entire downstairs of my house and did a lot to the garden when my DD was 2 -6m old.
Inconveniently husband started a new job the same month work started and was keen to impress.
i couldnt find a short term let so it was 3 adults and a baby and two dogs iny mums 2 bed flat

It wasnt a walk in the park by ANY means but i am so happy i did it
Moving will only get logistically more complicated as the kids are bigger.

Pull the trigger now

Anderson2018 · 05/09/2023 10:15

Not unreasonable to be worried but if job opportunities don’t come up often then he needs to go for it. Why did you plan another pregnancy before such a big move? Regardless you have already planned all of this so you have to get on with it. Start looking for houses now, surely it’s not going to take 9 months to move into a new house?

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 05/09/2023 10:18

Do it now. Moving only gets worse as you a) have more children; b) they get older and accumulate more stuff. I speak from experience!

I think you're being wildly over cautious unless you had a really dangerous first pregnancy and are expecting this one to be the same.

dudsville · 05/09/2023 10:24

It feels harsh voting yabu, as this is how you feel, but it seems ike an opportuity not to be wasted. Waiting for all the ducks to line up is ideal, of course, but this is a manageable situation in the short term in order to work towards your goals.

DSN88 · 05/09/2023 10:26

Yes…there’s never a perfect time, yet you’ve stated that you both really want to live there and that jobs don’t come up often for your husband. If you don’t wan to be around your in laws after you’ve just given birth, you could always temporarily rent an Airbnb or similar just to have your own space.
I’m expecting our second and we’re planning a move down under where hubby will be gone for a few months straight after birth…it’s not ideal but it’s a means to an end.

Playdoughcaterpillar · 05/09/2023 10:30

I've voted YABU. I understand your reluctance but don't think he should pass up an opportunity for a job if they don't come up often. Agree renting sounds like a good plan as it's often helpful to live somewhere first to know where you want to buy, get a feel for the market, local school catchments etc. Also puts you in a good buying position if you don't have your own house to sell. And if house prices really are falling, you stand to benefit from that too.

CatsOnTheChair · 05/09/2023 10:35

You don't need to live with the in laws. You could rent if that would be better for you.
And as a bonus, you get maternity pay from old job, and have time to find a new job, after settling in to your new area.
Sounds like quite good timing to me.

Wbeezer · 05/09/2023 10:40

I did it, it was fine, actually quite nice as MIL didn't try to hog the baby but did do shopping and laundry for me. The time went really quickly actually.

MyEyesMyThighs · 05/09/2023 10:47

It's okay to worry but not okay to give up this opportunity because of things that might not happen (that are all under your control).

Have a look at the houses for sale in the new area, try to get excited about some of them and think about some of the positives.

What is your situation, work wise?

I think settling into a new area and having a baby 3 months later, with family nearby, sounds lovely. Much easier than after the baby is here.

Good luck with the move, it sounds like the right decision for your family (assuming DH gets the job)

Orange67 · 05/09/2023 10:58

Malapataraso · 04/09/2023 18:27

Don’t do it. Stay where you are. A newborn while living with your in-laws, selling a house, buying a new house, aughhhhh! No. Why would you put yourself through all that stress when you literally do not have to do any of those terrible things.

Also, you like his family when they are 5 hours away and you see them for stretches during the year. You want to go from a 5 hour in-law buffer zone to a 5 minute buffer zone? Why would you ever do that to yourself?

This pregnancy was a blessing because it’s an opportunity to put the brakes on this move and let you make the correct decision to stay where you are.

OP has said why they would like to move.

Crikeyalmighty · 05/09/2023 11:02

You will never find a perfect time- Im now 61 and have found that whenever there were life changes there was always 'something' that put a spanner in the works, Christmas, a booked holiday, pregnancy, such partner/parent.

I would move and rent , we rent long term and have moved 21 times!! In that time I've built 2 businesses, raised a family, liquidated a company, lived abroad for 20 months. You know the expression 'life's what happens when you are busy making other plans '

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/09/2023 11:11

I get it’s stressful. We moved countries when I was 7 months pregnant. It was easier as it was from rental to a purchase and we didn’t have another child. But yabu to make this a barrier to a long term goal.

ntmdino · 05/09/2023 11:12

Crikeyalmighty · 05/09/2023 11:02

You will never find a perfect time- Im now 61 and have found that whenever there were life changes there was always 'something' that put a spanner in the works, Christmas, a booked holiday, pregnancy, such partner/parent.

I would move and rent , we rent long term and have moved 21 times!! In that time I've built 2 businesses, raised a family, liquidated a company, lived abroad for 20 months. You know the expression 'life's what happens when you are busy making other plans '

Absolutely this - there are always reasons not to do something, and at least some of them always look catastrophic. Life's success is how you dealt with those problems, not how you avoided them.

Sometimes, you just have to suck it up and deal with it in order that those opportunities aren't left behind. Just put your heads together and come up with practical plans for mitigating everything you can see going wrong - if that means having plans B, C, D etc and knowing the exact circumstances which would trigger them, so be it. Your state of mind will be massively improved just by knowing that you've got a plan for anything that might go wrong.

Original poster
jumperoozles · 05/09/2023 20:35

Thanks everyone for all your feedback. It’s backed up my feeling that I really have to let this opportunity have a chance. People’s ideas about renting are a really good option I think. The main thing I don’t want to do is rush into buying somewhere and then have regrets which is why I’m being a bit hesitant with the time scale as I don’t want pressure to buy within a certain time.

The poster that wrote about the 5 hour time barrier between the in laws made me 😂 that might be very true! And why I think renting might be a good idea ( I do really get on with them and his family though so I can’t imagine the move in general to be a bad idea just the closeness with the newborn in the same house!)

OP posts:
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