Name change as this is so specific. I have two very small DC. Have had severe back pain for months and had surgery on my back last week. DP has taken on more and more over the previous months, and looked after two DC all summer holidays. He’s been great, but I wanted my DM there for extra help, post-op. I can’t lift anything for at least the next several weeks while I recover.
For background, my DPs live on the other side of the world. I had a conversation with them a few weeks ago about helping me post-op. DF said tell us what works for you. I told them that I wanted DM to come over to help me and that she could stay with me. I said if it’s two of you coming over, I’d want you to stay somewhere nearby so that we’re not on top of each other. I said it’s too many people for us all to stay in my house. DF said well, that doesn’t work for me, I’m planning on coming over for 2 months. It was left there.
For background, I live in a 3 bed house, with a just habitable loft room. It’s two doubles and a box room. Box room is home office. One double has both kids, the other is mine & DPs room. Only bathroom is on first floor. Two living rooms downstairs but they’re all opened out, so no separate living space. No separate loo or guest bathroom.
DM is mid-60s and fit as a fiddle. Extremely helpful with kids and with me. Mucks in and does whatever needs to be done. Can be a bit overbearing at times as she has so much energy and firm ideas.
DF is early 70s, in reasonably good health. BUT when he’s here, he tends to park himself somewhere and hold court. He will do a specific task if asked, but pretty oblivious of others, particularly small children and babies. The kids get ignored a bit. E.g. there are multiple times I’ll have a 3 year old and a 70 year old talking at me at the same time, neither noticing or stopping. He basically likes to come here and stay for a bit of a jolly. Not much help with house or kids and gives no notice of comings or goings.
DM came over as agreed. Staying in loft room on single guest bed. A couple of days after she arrives, she says oh DF is coming over on x date. He’s going to stay in a hotel. No clarity on dates, no follow up chat before or after he’s booked about where he’s staying, or how long for. I think okay fine, if he’s staying in a hotel, then he can does as he pleases.
Having them both around the other day, all day, was just too much for me. I didn’t get a moment’s peace all day. DF would talk at me whenever I went downstairs. I realised I was pushing myself too much and felt rotten. That night I could barely sleep, because I felt so anxious about how I could explain to them that it was too much for me without one or both of them throwing a massive strop and saying their feelings are hurt. They have form for this. The next day I told them I’m going to rest and have some time to myself and said let’s do something in the afternoon.
It all came to a head that day. DF calls me from a furniture shop, saying “Your mother wants a double bed”, I send something that would work in the room, he says “your mother doesn’t like that one, your mother wants this or that.” Then: “your mother thinks it’s fine for us both to stay up in the loft”. I said you asked me what I wanted, and I told you if it’s just mum that’s fine, if it’s both of you, you can stay nearby as it’s too many people for the house.” DF then says the place he’s staying has no space for the following night and can I decide because it’s going to cost them a lot of money. I said I need time to think about it overnight and talk to DP. DP has been here, the whole time, looking after the kids, making meals, doing the shopping, doing all the night wakes, everything. He finds my parents overbearing and would rather have done without the help but knew my preference, so went along with it.
DF starts up again later the same day, in person, when DM and DP are out of the room. I said I feel backed into a corner here. I told you it was only okay for one to stay, not two. I told him again that it was overwhelming, I’m having up days and down days and it’s too much with so many people around. He said I don’t see the difference between one or both of us staying. Says he barely uses the bathroom, he’s here to help, won’t get in the way, doesn’t expect meals to be prepared for him etc. he said he’s hurt I don’t want him to stay, and now it’s going to cost him a lot of money. I made my DM sit down and join the conversation because I could hear her loitering. I asked them both why they’d both decided to come over without saying anything to me and decided to only book 3 nights in the hotel, knowing full well what I thought. DM then says they’re a “package deal”. I said that they should have been upfront. I said this is the one time I should be able to just focus on my recovery and not go along with something that I have made clear is not okay with me. Even then, they’re still pressing me to say that it’s okay for them to both stay. They want to stay for 2 months (!)
I also asked them, don’t you think it’s too much, all those people and one bathroom, a toddler who’s potty trained but very much needs the loo when they need it? I asked my dad how he would feel if say, I asked to come and stay for weeks on end just after he’d had an operation? It was left with me saying, please find somewhere to stay for the next few days and I’ll see how tiring I’m finding it and decide what’s okay with me.
I’m finding it so difficult, upsetting and draining. I hate being bulldozed like this. I think if this were a friend of mine, I’d probably say don’t let them make their problem, your problem. But it’s easier said than done when it’s your own parents.
So AIBU for not wanting them to both stay in my house while I’m recovering and getting back into work?
Or are they being U because they asked me what I wanted, then did the opposite of that anyway?
Have I been precious for wanting just my mum’s help? How can I address the elephant in the room aka my dad’s completely oblivious behaviour?