How to tell tell friends struggling with infertility about your pregnancy

[LavenderSweetPea]

So for context I am 17w pregnant. DH and I have struggled for about 2 years with infertility, and have also had an early loss.

I have been reading one of those books about pregnancy, that guides you through each week of pregnancy and what to expect. It's a super popular book on Amazon and has 1000's of reviews so a lot of other women must be reading this book. Anyway, this book actually has a section on telling friends and family you are pregnant, and it specifically advises for people who you know are struggling with their own fertility journey to make sure you tell them face to face (rather than call, email or text).

AIBU to think this book is giving terrible advice?

From my own experience I much prefered to be told over text/email. It's always hard news to hear when it feels like everyone else is getting their families and you aren't. I would much rather know in advance of seeing someone so I didn't have to immediately plaster on a fake happy face and pretend I'm not falling apart inside. With a text I could have a bit of time to feel the less positive emotions, so I can be back to feeling genuine happiness for them when I do see them. I just felt like it was a better experience for both of us. Maybe I'm in the minority here though?

Definitely by text! Being told of a pregnancy whilst struggling to conceive is like being punched in the stomach.

Yeah that book is giving bad advice.

I think it depends very much on the friendship and how other people feel about their own fertility issues but I think generally face to face is better.

I told my friend who was struggling with fertility (12 years years ago -- she's since had two kids) face to face because she is an old and dear friend and would have found a text or email a bit formal and cold. It does also give the impression you've bottled telling them because you think they'll be upset which could make things worse.

I think in the case of close friends there shouldn't be an expectation that they have to "plaster a fake happy face on" anyway: there's likely to be a mutual understanding that its a "difficult" topic which requires sensitive and no one with any self-awareness should be going into that conversation going "I'm pregnant! Go Me!" anyway.

I gave my friend a bit of preamble along the lines of: "Look I know this might be a tricky time to hear this, don't feel you have to be rapturously happy but I wanted you to know....". In this context I don't think anyone has an automatic right to demand that everyone cheer their pregnancy from the rooftops anyway.

Definitely by text. Then you can have your initial reaction over in private and hopefully feel able to smile and congratulate your friend when you meet face to face.

Having been the one struggling to conceive while my friends were all getting pregnant around me, I definitely found the WhatsApp group messages much easier to take.
That being said, some were face to face and it was fine, they all knew we were struggling to conceive and so weren’t expecting me to jump around and shriek and wave banners but equally I was genuinely happy for them so it wasn’t a ‘forced’ happiness, just a slightly muted one, if that makes sense?

My best friend unexpectedly fell pregnant 2 months after I had a still born and had previously had several miscarriages.
She was really nervous about telling me. She asked me over to her house for lunch, gave me a Pandora charm with a blue heart for my baby boy then later told me about her pregnancy.
I could see she was nervous but I was delighted for her. I was never upset by seeing other pregnant women or newborns. I just was envious and hoped one day I would be the one with a baby in my arms.
As it was I fell pregnant with my daughter not long after and our two have just started secondary school together. They are best friends, more like cousins than friends really.

DH and I appreciated emails well before any event where we might see the friends in person. It allowed us time to process our own grief and jealousy in private and then to be genuinely happy when we saw our friends in person, which we were. The one thing I would say is please don't write something like, 'I know this might be difficult to hear' that made us feel awful, like people thought we would be so self consumed and nasty not to be happy for our friends.

Messages like 'we are so lucky to have friends like you with us during this chapter and we love and appreciate you both and all that you bring to our lives.' were really appreciate because it told us that even though our friends' lives were changing, they still wanted us to be involved and they knew that we would care about their new arrival, but there was no pressure for us to do more than we were comfortable with.

It’s an individual choice and will be an individual reception. It’s just a book, no one has to abide by it.

Congratulations OP.

I'd agree that a sensitive text might be better as it will give them time to compose themselves and be happy for you. It took us years to conceive and pregnancy announcements were always hard. If you are able to acknowledge that you have been trying such a long time I think that also really helps - fertility struggles can feel so lonely as I'm sure you know after trying 2 years, congratulations again!

Thanks for your feedback all. It seems that I'm not really in the minority here. It just frustrates me that a book that so many people read is giving this advice out, because for most who haven't gone through infertility themselves probably wouldn't read it and think to themselves how that might go down with their friends. Clearly a book written by those who found it easy to conceive!

I definitely needed text or WhatsApp when I was going through IVF and miscarriages. Even now I have my precious boy I still find it a secret little bit of a stab when it feels like everyone else just gets pregnant whenever they want.