Super dad or super bad?

[Blahblahblah245]

Currently a SAHM to 3 DC (ages 3-7), only 7 yo in school. Husband works away a lot and reasonably long hours but at his level should have some flex. WFH is possible but H prefers to be in office. He has 30 days annual leave to be used before Jan

i get up at 6 with youngest, clean/ tidy/ prep breakfast. Kids get up and I get them dressed. H gets up at 7ish, showers, comes down sometimes offers to “dress one”, then goes work.

eldest does extra curricular activities 3 times / week. I am responsible for taking them all too from these as H never home. He knows when they are and used to occasionally help but no longer does.

h claims he does 50% of childcare / house work when he’s off work. Seriously thinks he’s a great dad. I don’t. I find him, to be quite blunt, lazy and prioritising his own needs.

For example, I was up at 6am, breakfasts for kids prepped and put away, kids dressed, did bathrooms and swept, kids dressed, walked dog to school and back, activity with younger 2, visited elderly grandparents, dog walked to school and back again, home, dinners prepped/ washing sorted, kids fed, eldest to her class, ate my tea and tidied/ hoovered/ did bins etc, collected eldest from class (with younger 2), home bath PJs. They then played games till dad came in at 7. H comes in at 7 with DSC, he’s been To shop to pick up beers and sweets, been to see our house that’s being renovated etc. younger kids excited to see DSC (understandably!) and are given sweets. I then have to try to get 3 wired kids to bed. Toddler is being difficult, 7 yo comes up (dad is downstairs) demanding switch, I say no go back downstairs. H brings the older 2 up and leaves them with me 10 mins later because he’s watching football (it is bed time). 7 yo then bouncing on toddlers bed. I tell her off and take her off bed. She runs to her dad crying and he brings her back up and puts her in room, goes back to football. I finally get them all to sleep and then have to walk the dog AGAIN. Once home I go to bed. Get up at 6am to find dog loose downstairs and nothing tidied from night before.

If I ask for more help, I’m told he’s busy at work, I might do 100% with kids/ house but he’s only one who earns 100% (I get moaned at for buying anything bar food might I add!).

AIBU to expect more help/ support?

You need to get a job, he sounds like he doesn't value your contribution and is restricting your access to cash.

He won't change, so you must

So he contributes absolutely nothing to the day to day running of the house (money aside) and instead actively adds to your labour.. including his children who apparently are allowed to just do whatever the fuck they like. I have to say OP I would not be allowing this to carry on, this utter lack of respect and decency in your own home and I certainly continuing a relationship with this idiot. He won’t ever change.

You would be better a single mum to be honest. Access to your own money is important. Dad would have to take the kids at weekends etc and pay maintenance. He's not going to change now, why should he? He's happy so that's all that matter to him.

Suspect he is tired too.

The issue is he isn’t appreciating you. You do it so well that he doesn’t notice what has to be done. Can you go away for a full day and let him see what happens when you aren’t working?

Also, is there any way you could give yourself a break. Do more low key parenting for a bit? Allow a little tv or tablet?

In the longer term, this gets easier when they go to school. By the time they are teens, all you need to do is shop, cook and wash just as you would for the two of you. After a tough few years, your job will soon be much easier than DH’s.

Can I just say, I enjoy my kids. Would not change them for the world.

my issue is like someone’s pointed out, he adds to my labour and doesn’t help.

tired or not, even if you’re single you have to clean / tidy / wash / cook/ shop. He does none of these things!

He won't realise what you do until you are not there to do it.

Is it possible for you to go away for a week/5 week days? Do no prep for him other than leave a timetable for school runs, dog walks, kids activities. This is so kids get to school/nursery on time, picked up on time & don't miss out on anything.

Then he might (just might) realise he normally has it very easy.

Otherwise take a day & write down everything you do. Ask him to do the same. Then compare.
Seeing it written down may open his eyes.

Doesn't sound like a partnership at all. I'd be considering my options.

There is already resentment and contempt in your marriage, which are both a very slippery slope.

You need to get back to work and ensure your own financial independence.

I think that one parent being a SAHP only works if the other parent truly values their contribution. This clearly isn't the case here. You could try sitting down with him and discussing which tasks he could take responsibility for (when I was a SAHM, DH did bathtime whenever he was home in time, gardening and DIY, took the kids swimming at the weekend). But fundamentally he doesn't respect what you do and you should probably consider going back to work to redress the balance.