how do I go about this? AIBU?

[lrna]

Not sure if this is the correct topic to post this under? But anyway -

I’m someone who hates confrontation, if someone is rude to me I’ll sit quiet and let them. I always say yes to things even if I want to say no, I just can’t seem to say no. I suppose I let people walk over me. I never say whats on my mind, although I’d love to but realistically I don’t have the balls.

I just had a baby with my partner, it’s our first baby. His family is doing a few things that’s really pissing me off and I don’t know how long I can stay silent. I feel like I’m going to explode with anger. A few examples would be, when we visit, his mum stands with her hands out for me to hand the baby over and doesn’t even ask to hold her. I don’t mind her holding the baby but she could at least ask. She also just leaves the house with our baby to take her over to visit the neighbours without asking me. She just disappears, into people’s houses who I don’t even know. They constantly lift the baby when’s she’s sleeping. They also say they’re taking the baby out in the pram a walk WITHOUT asking me. I’m left sitting in their house whilst they take baby a walk in the pram. They get the baby and pram ready and leave without asking me, they just say they’ll be back in 20 minutes. They have an obsession with my pram and showing it off because I spent a lot of money on it. They also constantly have a dig at me for our baby having my surname and not his (we are not married). they’ve made lots of comments on a few things that’s just nothing to do with them. I’m dying to just say fuck off, it’s none of your business.

I just feel as if what they’re doing is ridiculous and actually rude, I’m worse for keeping quiet. I’m actually angry at myself for sitting and not saying anything. In future, I won’t sit quiet because I need to protect my baby. I just don’t know how to go about it, to be honest I can see it all ending in arguments. I know if I say something, they’ll all come at me.

is anyone else like this? Just can’t seem to say what they need to?

the more I think about it all the more angry I get.

AIBU?

any advice?

would like to add, I told DP all of this and all he said was “it’s nothing to do with me, say it to them”

I would like to add, our baby isn’t even 3 weeks old yet. We’ve visited them 3 times since she’s been born and each time I’ve left livid over something.

I missed out a lot of information but long story short, they’re doing things with baby without asking me first, things that any decent human would ask before doing, and also making smart comments. Making me feel stupid.

I’m not staying quiet anymore. I’m upset.

Three weeks old and she's taking her over to the neighbour's house? No bloody way on this earth would I let that happen. I also wouldn't let her hold the baby unless she was sitting down safely.

Really your dh should say something but failing that yes you need to.

Holding arms out - "mil are you ok?" Walk off in a different direction.

Taking baby out - if you don't want them to you need to say no. Be prepared they will be offended and leave if necessary.

I don’t think you being a pushover is the problem. They are rude and they are getting away with it. Don’t go over there any more. If they ask why, tell them exactly what you told us. It takes a lot of practice to learn how to stand up for yourself, but you’ll learn quickly how to stand up for your child. It does feel terrible afterwards for a confrontational person, but it’s necessary. You’ll get used to it. Just don’t let it bottle up and then explode suddenly, you have to think first.

If you don’t stand up for yourself now then you have to accept the way they are and therefore lie down and give in. They will carry on and push even further.
Your DP is clearly a wimp who won't stand up for you or his baby.
I’m sorry but this is the point at which you need to grow a spine. It's not just you accepting that people walk all over you now. This is your baby. You have to pull yourself together and stand up for her and yourself as the one person she needs more than anyone else in the world.
This is literally the most important part of being a parent because you will have to do this time and time again to protect her over many years. Her needs come first, you know what she needs.
OP you'll let her and yourself down if you allow this to continue. This is just the start of fighting for her, you have to pull up your big girl pants and get to it.
DP can accept that this is about more than him now and support you both or he can find himself kicked to the curb and hope his Mummy will help him.

lots of different ways to deal with this … wear your baby on your chest in one of those wrap things … get your partner to explain over the phone they need to ask first … simply not handing her over whilst brushing granny off with ‘no chance you’ll take her out without asking me’. Don’t explain yourself or get into an argument, just state the rules when you do let them hold her ‘yes you can hold her but don’t take her out’. If they take baby out regardless, minimise contact (be out, don’t answer door, don’t arrange meet ups, go stay with your own family).

Uh… Say no to the pram and the dragging the baby around. She’s not even vaccinated yet. Stand up for yourself, woman! Also, don’t have them around all the time.

Your DP is a disgrace.

Can you tell MIL by text to avoid the face to face conversation? She's clearly a cheeky cow so will follow up in person, but you can get the initial bit out the way.

Hi MIL, it's great [baby] is getting to see so much of you in their first few weeks. I wanted to let you know though that I've been uncomfortable with you taking them out of the house for walks and visits. I'm sure that will happen again in time, but for now its important for bonding and feeding that they stay with me at all times. Please respect my wishes.

Then you need to be rigorous about enforcing it. Tell DP before you send it and that anything less than his full and unwavering support and he'd better sleep with one eye open.

Ok the holding her arms out, just make an excuse each time, eg I'm just winding her, or I'll just settle him, I'm just going to check the nappy. Then give it a minute and hand the baby over - gradually taking control of the situation without lots of the confrontation you dislike.

My fear of confrontation would be out the window.

This would piss me right off. Without being direct I would walk past her when she opens her arms and say 'only just got him settled' with a nice smile

When she goes to pick the baby up whilst asleep I would say the same thing.

Don't ever worry about their reaction/confrontation.
Also don't underestimate the power you hold as the mum. You make the rules

Holding her arms out…. She must look like a geriatric toddler. Ech!