Grieving Infertility even though I was and am ambivalent about children

[grievingsomethingstupid]

I don't know how to process it.

I've been to counselling it's not helpful.

I don't even think I want children deep down.

But I'm grieving the fact I can't.

Every time I see someone pregnant or have a baby I get this brief moment of grief and anger.

I forget about it minutes later but I think about my inability to conceive and what could have been every day.

I don't cry or anything and am very strong about it, it doesn't even make me sad it's more grieving what will never be even though I didn't want it really that badly.

Don't know why I'm posting I guess maybe looking for similar stories because no one IRL understands.

No one I know has struggled to conceive and as a result not started a family and therefore I don't want to talk to them about it.

I think it's natural to be grieving. You weren't 100% sure you wanted children but then infertility made the decision for you. The choice wasn't made by you and so you naturally feel upset.

I'm not in quite the same situation- I do suffer from severe endometriosis but IVF has worked for me. I completely understand the devastation of not being able to count on my body though. It feels so injust watching other women getting pregnant so easily and sailing through, whereas I've had to endure invasive procedures and operations, just for a chance at pregnancy.

I felt similar to you. I felt like I should have a baby as it seemed the right thing to do after getting married and I felt society expected it of me, I'd always thought I'd have children but it certainly wasn't my be all and end all. There were no tears every month when my period came, if I'm being honest for me I felt ashamed because my body was failing me.

We did do IVF as felt like the next step but it ended in miscarriage, again I took it very well surprisingly. And when I actually got pregnant I remember thinking 'Is this what I really want?'. But everyone else was having babies and I didn't want to get left behind.

My next round of IVF we got no eggs, again I took it on the chin, I was fine. It did make me question whether it was the right road to be going down. We'd paid for 3 rounds but we never got round to using the 3rd by 4 years later, so that probably tells you everything.

I think it was the fact that I couldn't get pregnant that bothered me, the choice was taken from me. I did actually fall pregnant naturally after 8 years of infertility and now have two children but the hardest part of the infertility was the pity from other people. It made me feel like a failure and it was very painful at times but maybe not for the exact same reasons that other women found it painful.

I think your reaction is very normal, or at least I felt the exact same.

I was upset that choices were taken away from me, especially when I had done nothing wrong. It felt like a loss of choice and even control over my own life, decision making and my body.

I felt like I wasn't the same as other women and that my body was a complete let down. That I had failed in some way, let my then partner down etc.

I was also was angry that I had spent 13 years going to medical professionals trying to get someone to take me seriously and get a diagnosis or help. Naively thought it would have made a difference if I found out sooner.

I was 27 and always kind of thought I would seriously consider having children around 30, so hadn't made any decisions of how many, n9 consideration of names etc. It was something I would get to rather than had mapped out.

I can also relate to not having anyone else to talk to, not knowing anyone else in the same position- it's very isolating at first.

Thankfully I never experienced jealously of others who were pregnant etc, bizarrely I was even happier for them whereas before I kind of took it for granted that pregnancy was very likely if you wanted it. I spent the years of my life being religious about contraception!

I did get counselling about 2 year later (3/4 sessions) and just actually talking about it helped me hugely. I'm quite OK with it now- if this is the worst thing that I have had to deal with in life, I'm doing well.

I have also discovered it's so common, just no one wants to be the first to talk about it.

It sucks but what you are feeling is very normal.

What you are feeling is very normal. You will find sympathetic ears on the Mumsnet childfree forum.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/childfree-mumsnetters

@Mamai90, great point, the pity from other people - that really got to me too.

No one I know has struggled to conceive and as a result not started a family and therefore I don't want to talk to them about it.

I hear you, everyone I knew in the same situation went on to have children so I felt very isolated and alone.

I was absolutely you OP years ago when I found out about my infertility. I cried buckets, even though I don't have a maternal bone in my body. I wanted the choice to say no, not to have the choice taken from me. I thought I might change my mind about wanting children. I didn't. But 25 years later it is still something that I am processing.

I'm really sad. Thanks for all of your replies it's good to know I'm not completely weird.

I'm also really upset as DH will not book fertility treatments.

You're not infertile then, you have two kids??

I just saw another two pregnancy announcements which made made angry and sad. It's everywhere all the time.

It's making me not want to socialise I've become very antisocial as a result.

Really not sure how to deal with this.

I think what you're feeling is totally valid. I think you should give yourself permission to feel these things and in time they will pass.

I was like you. Always been sure I didn’t want kids, then really upset when menopause in my early thirties meant I could never have any.

I really wanted to have the choice!

You are classed as suffering from infertility if after two years you don't conceive. Would you say I am not suffering from it after 12 years of TTC, two IVF kids and then by miracles of miracles managed to get pregnant by ourselves which was unfortunately a miscarriage. Unless you are being extremely pedantic and saying you can only class yourself as infertile if you have no chance of conceiving.

Why won’t your H book tests?

Let me guess, he thinks he’s ‘fine’.

Eh, did you even read my post?

I had 8 long years of infertility, you're considered infertile if you haven't had a baby within two years. Yes, I have two kids now but I know how the OP feels, I spent my whole 30s being pitied and watching others have a family. So just because I now have children doesn't undermine what I went through, I felt all those emotions.

Amen. It never disappears.

@Hibiscrubbed he won't give a reason, it's making me sad.

I booked it twice and he cancelled it both times and promised me he would rearrange and six weeks later...nothing

I get you. I sort of feel like part of me would be a bit gutted if I got pregnant now but it still makes me a bit sad that I won’t get to do some of the nice things. I’m a midwife and surrounded by it, particularly seeing my colleagues all getting pregnant.

Solidarity.

Late 30s, wasn’t sure, finally got pregnant, cried so much as still not sure, baby was genetically abnormal and had to have a TFMR.

3 years later, 2 rounds IVF, nothing. Still not 100% sure. Still grieving not having the choice.

Something that helped me was coming off social media. The pregnancy announcements and scan pictures were all too much.