Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Worried about 16 year old daughter’s bf’s behaviour

19 replies

siddallb · 31/08/2023 21:34

Need to know if I'm BU here

My daughter has just turned 16. Her bf is 18. She started dating him late last year and there still together now. His mum let's them sleep in the same bed. She lies and tells me she's at a friends, when I've told her it isn't happening again she laughs and says I can't control her. She told me that he accused her of cheating when she went to her prom and was ignoring her She then said it was a misunderstanding. The last time I saw him, he had a black eye so he'd obviously been in a fight. I know they're having sex, she told me she thought she was pregnant a few months ago.

Luckily, she wasn't and she told me he doesn't use a condom because he doesn't like them, which is what her dad told me (he was abusive and controlling). He has a child.

I put her on the pill, I don't want to encourage the relationship but I don't want her getting pregnant.

I have no idea if she's taking them but I hope she is. He seems very immature also. I've tried to speak to her about my concerns but she says he's lovely, he just has anger issues.

AIBU? I'll try and answer any questions as best I can. I didn't want to make this too long.

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 31/08/2023 21:37

If she’s done her GCSE’s and left school I’m not sure there’s a lot you can do.
You need to try no not push her because she will push right back. I know it’s hard, just try and keep the communication open as she will need you one day.

Annaishere · 31/08/2023 21:40

You’re not being unreasonable. Maybe you could look into her getting an implant

Jibo · 31/08/2023 21:40

What a nightmare. Can you encourage something like an injection/implant? 16yos aren't the best at remembering to take the pill...

SandyBoffFace · 31/08/2023 21:42

I would do everything you can to be on her side through this. Don't bad mouth the bf, don't get into a situation where she is choosing between you and him because you will loose and then when the shit hits the fan she'll feel that she can't come to you.

She's right that you can't control her, so stop trying. Let them share a bed at your house, at least you know that she's safe then. Be there as a non judgemental shoulder to cry on. The more welcoming your home is to them the better.

I wouldn't address the bf behaviour directly, but take any opportunity you have when watching TV or talking about someone you know where there was DV or a angry partner or teen pregnancy etc to share your values

Anothershitusername · 31/08/2023 22:06

Invite him round ,welcome him in ,show her you like him ,laugh at his jokes .
she will dump him quicker than a hot potato..nothing less sexy than your parents liking your boyfriend at age 16…takes away the danger / excitement / sneaking about when parents approve ..so not fun any more..
however she could then up the stakes and date a 25 year old to piss u off ..

Nicole1111 · 31/08/2023 22:10

You’re right to be wary about controlling and coercive behaviour. You need to be careful of trying to separate them though as that will likely push her further in to his arms. Try to keep yourself available for her to raise issues (she clearly already feels comfortable confiding in you as she spoke about possible pregnancy), without being overly critical of him. You can still give her advice though about keeping herself safe.If you “happened” to be watching something like the kidnap of angel lyn when she was with you that might also be helpful.

Bananalanacake · 31/08/2023 22:46

If he won't use condoms he's probably had sex with other women unprotected. Does she know about AIDS, syphillis and STDs.

Original poster

siddallb · 31/08/2023 23:18

I've spoken to her about STDs but she refuses to listen and starts arguing with me saying he doesn't have any. I don't feel comfortable him staying over. He's been over for dinner multiple times and he never says thank you and seems disrespectful

OP posts:

topshotta · 01/09/2023 00:26

If he's 18 he's way too old for her he's an adult and she's not

Northernsouloldies · 01/09/2023 01:40

He has anger issues!! That's so bad she is only 16 it's not her place to fix him. At that age it should be fun having a boyfriend or girlfriend. Maybe show her some of the dv threads and hopefully open her eyes if not here's hoping it fizzles out.

iminvestednow · 01/09/2023 01:48

When I was 16/17 I was dating a man 5 years older. It’s not the age gap that’s an issue it’s your daughter dating arseholes. Nothing can change that!

Curtainseeker · 01/09/2023 01:50

I’d totally pull him up on this!
I would say thank you for dinner!

he sounds like a complete jealous controlling prick but kids always think they know better

hopefully she will get sick of him asap

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/09/2023 02:29

Your dd is right. You cannot control her but it’s sad she’s happy to be controlled by him. It was possibly different when you were young, or at least it was for me as I was very much controlled by my mother at this age.

I also think you should let him come around. I’d rather know your dd is safe even if it means putting up with him and think your job right now is to be there for if / when it goes wrong. Model good behaviour and try to encourage your dd to do other things. At 16 it isn’t healthy to see him every day for example.

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/09/2023 02:32

I wouldn't have her on the pill, but I would have her on the injection or implant. I could see him trying to interfere with her taking the pill. I think it only works if you're absolutely determined to take it every day. My daughter had a boyfriend like this and it's absolutely heartbreaking. I wouldn't let him stay the night at your house. I wouldn't let him come for a meal if he doesn't say thank you either and I would tell her exactly why.

Thepossibility · 01/09/2023 04:30

I'd bribe her to have the injection or implant. Most importantly.
Be careful of saying anything negative about him because then she will be put in the position of defending him and an us v them situation. I've seen it so many times with teenaged girls and older loser boyfriends. You have to wait until she is sick of him or outgrows him on her own. Prevention of pregnancy is absolute priority though.

DustyLee123 · 01/09/2023 07:18

Is she going to college ?
She needs a future to look forward to, to be with other people.

IfYouMustThen · 01/09/2023 08:56

Just be careful how you play it so that you dont lose her. But he sounds awful.

Jk987 · 01/09/2023 09:47

Does he see his child?

Nagado · 01/09/2023 12:02

I’d try to get her an implant fitted, just in case he decides to try & tie her to him more than she is now by convincing her it would be romantic to have a baby together.

And as much as it sticks in your throat, I’d have him in my home as much as possible. Just ignore the lack of manners. She’s far more likely to talk to you about any concerns if she thinks you aren’t trying to split them up.

I’d talk to her about the future as well. Are her friends going on any girls holidays? If you could afford it, I’d suggest her getting a group of her mates together and I’d help her pay for her share. Talk about uni. Maybe suggest one quite close to home, telling her it’s so she can continue seeing him. She’s more likely to agree to go if she thinks it won’t break them up and getting her there is the first step to keeping her there. Be careful to always present these ideas as things she could do at the same time as dating him, because if you push her to choose, you will lose her.

Flip