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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have no personality

30 replies

Milly16 · 31/08/2023 20:24

Just on holiday and me, DH and the kids (tween/teen) were discussing what we like about each other (mostly as the kids have been squabbling a lot so wanted them to think about what positive characteristics they each have). Everyone came up with a lot of different and interesting characteristics for each other, except for me where they came up with loving. That was literally it. I did say can you think of anything else but they couldn't! Obviously it's nice they think I'm loving, but so is a dog. Am I being unreasonable to be a bit upset? I do have sensitivities around my personality generally after a lot of criticism from my parents and others when i was younger that I was unfriendly etc (I was shy).

OP posts:
ImWally6 · 31/08/2023 20:45

Loving is a lovely way to be described. And a dog is no substitute for mum. Let go of insecurities, they obviously love you.

Tonight1 · 31/08/2023 20:47

Loving is obviously a shining star of a characteristic, perhaps it eclipses the others!

Which traits would you like to be noticed for?

something2say · 31/08/2023 20:48

Don't go down this rabbit hole. Of course you have a personality. x

Ineedasitdown · 31/08/2023 20:49

It’s a lovely compliment but do you think it could be reflective of how much you do for them and do you have time to be yourself? That’s how it reads to me. Dhs generally get time for hobbies and interest and unless mothers are firm we can get a bit subsumed with mothering.

Nothingbuttheglory · 31/08/2023 20:49

Other words that fit with loving -

Kind, thoughtful, empathetic, generous, conscientious, reliable, trustworthy, warm

Does that help at all? It does sound like maybe when you're around your family your personality might get subsumed into caring for them. Do you get any time / space to be yourself?

Nothingbuttheglory · 31/08/2023 20:50

Snap! Ineedasitdown

timberho · 31/08/2023 20:50

The fate of the good mum - reliable and steady - it's not you, it's them! They'll come to understand you better as they get older.

Sparklesocks · 31/08/2023 20:50

Sometimes kids will have blinkers on and see you as ‘mum’ until they get a bit older - and so their sole perception of you is tied up in that (loving, nurturing etc) - rather than the other facets of who you are (but of course they are there!)

GentlemanJay · 31/08/2023 20:51

Why did you ask them if you didn't like their reply?

MairzyDoats · 31/08/2023 20:51

Generally speaking kids don't really think of their parents as having personalities or, you know, lives until they're much much older! I like the activity you chose for them though, that shows imagination.

Rosehiptea · 31/08/2023 20:52

I think, if you are shy, it can be harder for people to be able to identify your personality traits because you don't parade them like others. This in itself is a mark of humility and restraint which I think are great traits.

continentallentil · 31/08/2023 20:53

something2say · 31/08/2023 20:48

Don't go down this rabbit hole. Of course you have a personality. x

This exactly.

They are kids and they just see mum is all. They will discover you are an actual person in a few years.

It’s not you it’s them. Self absorbed little buggers…

Stripeypyjamas · 31/08/2023 20:54

Look up the ipip neo free personality test. You definitely have a personality!

AnnaTortoiseshell · 31/08/2023 20:54

You sound resourceful and creative in your parenting. Let’s add that to the list. Loving, resourceful, and creative.

I think when mums are doing a good job they are often like oxygen, and sort of not noticed because they are so taken for granted (not in a negative way!). Similar to when you see posts on here with a mum who is upset because their baby seems to show a preference for their dad.

GeneJeanie · 31/08/2023 20:55

What characteristics would you like them to have identified? List them and then go and be them!

Social, sporty, adventurous, charitable, cultured…

continentallentil · 31/08/2023 20:55

GentlemanJay · 31/08/2023 20:51

Why did you ask them if you didn't like their reply?

Because she didn’t know what they were going to say in advance, Einstein.

If you’re going to be nasty, try at least to be a bit smarter.

Zanatdy · 31/08/2023 20:56

If your whole life is wrapped around the kids take this as an opportunity to find you again, take up some hobbies etc. But nothing wrong with being described as loving, could be far worse OP.

TeenLifeMum · 31/08/2023 20:57

My dc will come up with lovely descriptions of each other, grandparents, dh but for me they’ll say I’m kind/loving… to them I’m just “mummy” which I’ve realised is a compliment. It’s not that they don’t know me (I work full time, am part time uni student doing my masters, have performed on stage locally etc) but being their mum is more important to them than anything else. I completely see where you’re coming from and I’ve been through that and seen it for what if is.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/08/2023 20:57

What did they say about their dad? You’ve had some lovely replies here and I agree you took an inventive and creative approach to upping family harmony, you sound great.

GentlemanJay · 31/08/2023 20:59

Women do have a habit of asking a question then not liking the answer. Like they want the answer tailoring to suit them.

Reaching for my hard hat?

Does my bum look big in this?

Yes.

SmellsLikeTeenSpirits · 31/08/2023 21:07

I’d almost certainly get ‘grumpy’ if it makes you feel any better

Sparklesocks · 31/08/2023 21:07

GentlemanJay · 31/08/2023 20:59

Women do have a habit of asking a question then not liking the answer. Like they want the answer tailoring to suit them.

Reaching for my hard hat?

Does my bum look big in this?

Yes.

What an odd thing to say

Lbym197 · 31/08/2023 21:07

I'd be very happy with loving. I asked my family and DH said for me "selfish" because I wanted to go first! He has totally missed the point of being positive.
DH then gave us all animals he thinks we are. At least you didn't get silly answers like I did 🙄

limeadelover · 31/08/2023 21:13

I get it OP, I would hate this. It’s like they only recognise you as a person in service to them and what you do for them, rather than someone who exists in their own right. “Loving” really means loving them, doesn’t it, and that’s not an intrinsic part of you. Didn’t your husband think of anything else? Kids can be self-centred when it comes to their parents but surely he can think of something.

Original poster
Milly16 · 31/08/2023 21:16

Thanks for all the really kind replies - you have actually made me feel much better. I do plenty of stuff (work/hobbies etc) other than being their mum. But I think you're all right and all that is completely irrelevant to them compared to my role as their mum. Still, I went to the hotel beach party afterwards and started prancing around to the music to their absolute horror so I think they might add unbelievably embarrassing to the list now.

OP posts:
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