Husband often gets me confused with his Ex Girlfriend

[GlowingUpTheHardWay]

For background: been with DH for 13 years, married 10. Have 2 DC. Have the usual ups and downs that most married couples have.

The issue: many times over the years my DH has recalled certain memories of "the time we did....." or "remember when we went to XYZ restaurant with Bob and Jean" etc etc. Tonight's was "tell you what we haven't had for ages... grilled aubergine! We used to have that all the time!"

Dear good people of Mumsnet... we have NEVER had grilled aubergine. I fecking HATE aubergine.

These memories he's having are all about him and his ex. He was with her for 10 years and split up from her 2 years before we met. They are still very good friends and I have no issue with that- in fact I would also now class her as a friend; she came to our wedding and our kids call her "Auntie XXX". She's lovely and I care a lot about her.

Whenever he has these recollections, I always say "that wasn't with me, dear ... that was with XXX". He'll insist it was with me until I point out that I hate aubergines (a fact he well knows) and have never met Bob and Jean. I always roll my eyes but generally take it in good part and don't really get offended. He can be quite scatty and forgetful so I just put it down to that. He certainly doesn't harbour any feelings towards her or anything.

Tonight I pulled his leg about it again and said something along the lines of "most wives probably wouldn't be as easy going about this as I am".... which I think is probably true (is it?). But he just thinks it's no big deal and even said something like "I have had a life before you, you know!"

Now I will admit that his last comment really pissed me off. I KNOW he's had a life before me... i've embraced having his ex in our lives, am cool with it, like her very much and care about her. I TOO have had a life before him.... but I dont ever remind him of the time we "used to play cards in the pub" or "remember when we went to the boxing with Dave and Sarah!" Ie. Things I did with my ex. And if I did ever do this, I'd be mortified.

So what do you think?

Would most wives be ok with these occasional mixed up memories? Or should I LTB?

Semi light-hearted.... it generally doesn't bother me and tonight's example didn't until the point where he made it seem like I was being unreasonable for even calling him out on it, which I did in a light hearted way.

My DH has done similar a few times…. I think it’s stuff that was so long ago and a hazy memory rather than a vivid one.

I just laugh it off, doesn’t bother me. But then I have been known to so the same “I remember going to such and such. Was that with you or before we met?”

I remember meeting one of DHs acquaintances for the first time and them saying “so good to see you again, are you still in teaching?” And me saying “oh no, that was his previous partner, we’ve not met before” and then being adamant that it was me which was bizarre.

i would throw a few comments in of my own - “don’t you remember when we had that weekend in the nudist hotel? Oh no, sorry, wrong man”

I’ve done this a couple of times and dh has done it to me. I’ve just got a really bad memory! I wouldn’t get too wound up about it, I don’t think it means anything.

Don't you remember when we had great sex? Oh sorry that was Dave

There's a lot of talk around light-hearted/leg-pulling in your post OP. It's ok for you to find this annoying, I think many people (myself included) would do.

I would say quite directly to him "It's very irritating that you make no effort to think whether the memories that you're recalling of 'us' actually involve me. We both had lives before we knew each other but the amount you're doing this is getting tedious, so please stop it."

I have memories too that are so long ago I can't remember who I was with at the time. He's not doing it to upset you.

Going by your post you are both at least in your 40s and possibly older. Many people do find that their memory starts to let them down.

At a party a while back, an older couple came up to me and DH and said (to me) “We haven’t seen you since we came to your wedding X years ago”. I’d never seen them before, they’d been guests at DH’s wedding to his first wife! At least DH remembered that it wasn’t me that they’d met

Hmmm my DH has done this before - but tbh I just take it as he can't remember the life he had before me and assumes all good memories are by default with me, and I've obviously replaced his ex in his memory as he just assumes I was there doing these things too 😂

Yes dh has done the same to me too. Sometimes he will play songs and say "sing along! You love this song!" - when i've never heard it in my life, or mention restaurants i've never been to. Doesn't bother me too much i just laugh it off

The lady who lived in our house for 25 years, 20 years ago came round to have a look with her husband. She kept pointing out "remember when that wall was blue?" "Can you remember the kids doing X there?" "Did we decorate this colour?" and 75% of the time he would say "wrong husband" as she'd lived here with 2 different ones 😀

Sounds like it's fairly common then and that most people let it slide. @velvetstars .... it really doesn't both me and I'm not really irritated by it... but at the same time I want him to acknowledge and give me credit for the fact that I don't lose the plot about it. Maybe I'm expecting too much and that it's just normal when you've been together a while.

@cruffinsmuffin ... that's a good way to look at it!! But I did need to make clear this evening that it wasn't me because if he does ever serve me up grilled bloody aubergine "for old times sake" then I'll blooming throw them at him! Maybe it would me up a bit tonight because of how much I detest the slimy awful things!

@SecretPlanToFightInflation .... goodness, what an understanding second husband!!

Some people are prone to these kinds of mixups, others aren't. I wouldn't think it was anything to do with how he feels/felt about her. More to do with neurological quirks. I would try to just brush it off and forget about it.

When I was first with my now-DH, I made a little slip once or twice and used a previous boyfriend's name. DH sulked and worked it up into grounds for jealousy. I felt incredibly oppressed and controlled, taken to task for something that was meaningless and involuntary.

Beat him at his own game...

Though it doesn't always work, eg a work colleague kept getting my name wrong though we'd worked together for years. So I thought I'd do the same. She was Ruby and I called her Pearl. Never even noticed 🙄

@Random789 ... yea I know he means nothing by it. He once called me her name by accident in the early days and we laugh about it now. He's done a few things that are daft but I know he doesn't have feelings for her. He's just not got that great a memory. I think I just wanted him to acknowledge the fact that I let it slide when a lot of wives would be really offended. But I'm thinking maybe this was an unreasonable expectation on my part because it sounds like it happens a lot within couples.

Together 38 years and 'D'H still doesn't seem to know I hate ice in my drinks - even though he knows I keep gin and tonic in the fridge so that my drink is cool....

@MrsMous and @wizzywig .... these suggestions made me laugh! Definitely going to play him at his own game next time!!

@Canthave2manycats I hate ice in my drinks too... can't stand when it bangs against your teeth when you're trying to drink it! Definitely LTB!

Happens occasionally, just the other day DH was talking about a local restaurant and asked if they still do the Octopus dish I like. I don't like Octopus, never have. I assume his ex does

(In fairness we've been together 4 years, he was with her for 10+ years)

To be honest I just hate it when people insist on something when I 100% know they're wrong. Such as "Remember I told you Dave is getting divorced?" and I know DH/my mum/whoever hasn't breathed a word about it to me. That's why the aubergine thing would wind me up.