To talk to GP about DH

[fruitstick]

I'm worried about my DH. He's depressed and drinking too much. He talks about not wanting to be alive anymore.

He has good reasons but he needs support and is refusing any. He won't talk to the GP, won't seek counselling, won't consider medication or even talking to his friends.

I have persuaded him to see the nurse for a wellness check. I'm not entirely sure he'll be honest with her about his drinking or how bad he feels but maybe he will.

Is it possible to have a word with the GP beforehand, and maybe they can find an excuse to talk to him, or probe a bit further.

I'm not suggesting they discuss him with me, just that they are aware there is an issue.

But also I don't want to waste the GPs time.

Also DH would be furious if he knew.

Sorry to hear your husband is unwell but the GP/ nurse will not be able to speak to you prior to the appointment. Would your husband be happy for you to attend the appointment together?

There's nothing wrong with a heads up. As you know, the GP won't be able to tell you anything, but they can listen. Maybe find out who his registered GP is and write a letter to drop off at the surgery for them?

It sounds like he has an appt with a nurse though, not the GP. But maybe the nurse can ask some questions if they're aware there might be an issue.

Bear in mind if he ever requests a copy of his medical record and you've sent info in about him it will be on there so he could find out.

It's a tough spot you're in, you want to help him and you know you can't, only he can, and he doesn't want to get help right now. Ultimately OP all you can do is make sure you're okay, don't be afraid to reach out for support for you, and always remember that it's okay if it gets too much for you to be with someone with untreated mental health and potential addiction issues.

I think the best people to advise is a mental health charity - not necessarily mumsnet.

Im not sure which charity but they’ll be able to tell you how best to approach this.

I know when my grandad was ill we wrote a letter to doc before his appointment with the explicit instructions for the doc not to read it out - and the doc started to read it out before he realised/remembered- and the damage was already done. So awkward 🙈.

I think if you contact the gp first your hubby might feel he’s been ambushed and trust broken - and it’s hard to decide if that’s a good idea or not.

For less serious issues than your dh has, I recently wrote a letter to the GP outlining some concerns I had about dh so that the phone consultation could be steered in the appropriate direction, and it was. I can’t think that a GP would think you providing background information would be a waste of their time

I've been where you are. It's very difficult. The most helpful and useful thing I did when I was in this position was go to Smart Recovery Friends and Family meetings online. Others have mentioned AlAnon in similar threads.

However hard you try, you can't make your partner want to change or get help. Whether for depression or drinking.

You might pick up useful advice and also have a good outlet and support by going to a group like the one I mentioned though, and this can in turn help your partner.

The GP couldn't tell me anything about my partner. I spoke to someone at Mind as well. My situation was different as he ended up having a psychotic breakdown and I was asking about sectioning. It's a horrible position to be in to see a loved one suffering and making it worse through drink and unable or unwilling to get help.

You need to look after yourself, I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but it's really important

I tried to do this and the GP wouldn’t help at all. Just said my (then) husband would need to come in and discuss it. But he wouldn’t because he was in denial (although it was obvious to everyone he was depressed). It was a really big dealt for me reaching out like that and I felt really let down to be honest. I hope things go better for you.

Several years ago I asked a similar question here, ended up calling the GP who called him in for a chat.

Unfortunately the person I talked to on the phone wasn't the one who we met when we went in, who asked what the problem was and seemed annoyed at their time being wasted, told us there was no help out there really and the crisis teams wouldn't do anything.

But it was a turning point for my husband anyway, realising how bad it had got.

Id say find out who his gp is and which nurse he is seeing. Id given both a call separately prior to his appointment. Obviously with patient confidentiality they cannot talk to you about him but if they are aware, the might be able to help him be honest. Trouble is with blokes, getting them to a gp is a struggle. My DP has not seen his gp for around 10 years! Wouldn’t go for his 40 year check up. He’s a big drinker too. Very much in denial