Guilt of not “enjoying” baby all the time. Normal or AIBU?

[Isitjustme03]

I’m a first time mum to a 5 month old (almost 6) DS. He is beautiful, smiley and mine and DH’s whole world. I love him more than anything.

I’m just really really struggling to enjoy some of our days together. He doesn’t like bottle feeding, he is always the first baby to cry when we go to baby groups etc, he screams most evenings and our evenings are usually spent settling him for hours. He doesn’t settle or feed with anyone other than me and DH so cannot ask grandparents to babysit. I’m just struggling to enjoy my boy when it seems like all he does is cry and fuss 80% of the time he is awake.

It doesn’t stop me going to baby groups, but we barely get to play or do baby massage etc as most of the time he is on my shoulder crying.

I know I should try and enjoy him more, enjoy our time, he will never be this small. But I’m struggling and every night I go to bed feeling guilty. My other friends who are first time mums seem to be enjoying it more than me.

When does it start to get better? Is this normal? Does this seem like PND? I just need to reach out basically and see if anyone can understand how I feel?

I could’ve written this word for word! 5 month old DS, screams a lot in the evening, will only settle for me. To make matters worse he has a cold at the moment so is extra fed up.

He’s my second. The only things that have helped him are gripe water (started a couple of days ago, one dose at about 4pm before the evening whinging kicks in) and getting him to nap at around 6pm. I was so busy with teatime and DC1 I hadn’t noticed that he had usually been awake for 3-4 hours by the time I settled him for bed so he was well over tired. Also his vibrating chair after feeds, I think he suffers with his tummy.

I’m much more of a toddler person, when other people were tearing their hair out over their toddlers I loved every minute of 1-2yrs. So don’t worry, you’ll hit your stride!

He sounds like a fussier baby than most so I don't blame you tbh. Have you had the usual investigations done, eg allergies? My dcs have both been pretty laid back and loved baby groups and didn't spend much time crying, so it was easy to enjoy them.

Try weaning him if you haven't done already. X

Some babies are fussy my DD was incredibly fussy and cried and cried with colic for most of the time she was awake. It probably caused me to go into PND. People who have chilled babies don't understand. It's not always something that can be solved, other than by riding it out!

She grew out of it and was much better once she could walk and talk but has always been "spirited" shall we say!

You have my sympathy. Don't feel guilty for not enjoying listening to a baby screaming for hours - it's objectively not an enjoyable thing so would be strange if you did enjoy that! But do know that with each passing month it will get better.

Very normal.

When DS was that little, the pressure from all angles to 'enjoy every moment! soak it all up!' was immense and actually really unhelpful. I found if I ever needed a little whinge about him not sleeping or someone asked how I was and I said well not great they would just bypass that entirely and gaze off wistfully and tell me to enjoy it. The worst was people saying 'enjoy the baby snuggles while they last' when I was legit mentally drowning from sleep exhaustion to the point of hallucinating. It's hard to 'enjoy' anything when you're not sleeping, you're still physically recovering from birth, and your baby is unhappy a lot of the time!

It's okay not to enjoy every moment. So much of having a baby is just drudgery and boredom. In the olden days people seemed to recognise that a baby is very hard work and if you got through the day in one piece you'd done well. Nowadays it seems if you're not having an instagram worthy experience with neutral oat babygros, coffee dates with other mums, smiling gurgling tummy time, beaming nonstop at how much motherhood has changed you for the better, you feel like you're somehow doing it wrong.

I have a toddler now and it's infinitely better, I'd rather have five toddlers than a baby again!

If you're not looking for solutions, feel free to skip the following, but it could help so I'll say it, based on what you've shared.

If he's almost six months you could start looking into sleep training, something like Ferber. That turned out lives around. DS couldn't fall asleep unaided and would be awake for hours in the night, sleep half an hour then be up again, couldn't fall asleep without being fed which is fine until he wasn't hungry and therefore simply could not fall asleep. It turns out a lot of his grumpiness was down to sheer exhaustion, it's not fun for parents to be awake all night or spending hours every evening trying to get them to sleep and it's not nice for babies either. I reckon a good solid sleep routine, decent bedtime so you get your evenings back to rest, and a solid nap routine would really help. Even if only to take away the pressure of trying to get him to fall asleep and give you a bit of space. Once we sleep drained and DS was getting enough sleep he was like a different baby, it was incredible.

My first was like this. People who haven’t experienced it have no idea what they’re talking about. Enjoy the sleep deprivation and constant crying in your ear! And in evolutionary terms a baby’s cry is “designed” to be upsetting and jarring for us to listen to, there’s no getting away from that.

It gets better OP, and if it’s any consolation my first baby is now 13 and still loves his cuddles with Mummy 😂

Oh I reallllly didn’t enjoy the baby stage. 0-3 months were endless crying, feeding issues, no sleep and months 4 and 5 were better but really dull. 6 months onwards got better, 10 months onwards much better.

People used to say “enjoy it, it goes so fast!” And I used to think “can’t go quick enough”.

Much prefer todders and older children!

smiling gurgling tummy time

Haha this made me laugh @ClaraMarmalade , my first HATED tummy time and simply refused to take part. He’d just lie there crying and refuse to lift his head up. The health visitor was disgusted with me. DS is totally fine now and has been ever since he was able to crawl by himself. He apparently just absolutely hated being a baby 🤷‍♀️

I hated being a Mother until my baby was about 6-7 months. The only thing that got me through the newborn stage second time around was knowing it got better.

DO NOT feel guilty about not loving every age/stage/day.

I read somewhere that happiness should be viewed as a long term goal, but that being happy does not mean being happy in every single moment, that is unabtainable. So, I have a four month old and I can honestly say I am extremely happy being a Mum. Does that mean I adore every single moment? No. My son woke up on the hour, every single hour last night, so in that moment I did not feel happy or like I was enjoying things! It is not possible to love every single moment and you should not feel guilty about that.

Bit off-topic to this, but there's a video game called the Sims, and recently when they added infants and tummy time they made the baby absolutely wail during it and be so unhappy, beating the floor with their tiny fists, and it really tickled me how realistic it is! Most babies can't stand tummy time lol.

DD was exactly the same at this age, screamed all evening. It was hard. We found Colief really helped, although not sure how you give it if he won't take a bottle (DD was breastfed but would take a bottle until about 8 months as well).

It started to get better after 6 months, once she started on solids. I didn't enjoy the baby stage at all, even though I loved DD so much. I felt like a terrible mother but the truth is, a lot of people struggle with it (as it's often quite hard!).

For me , it started getting easier at 8 months, I loved it by the time she was 2 and now she's 6, time is flying and life is much, much easier. I did stop at one for a reason though!

Who says they enjoy it? I loathed every second until I went back to work, whereupon I suddenly started enjoying motherhood, because it found its place along with my professional life. At five months, I was googling 'how to relinquish your child' and 'have I wrecked my own life?'

Stop thinking in terms of 'should's. Some of us hate the newborn stage and think small babies are tiny, noisy tyrants. Honestly, it gets waaaay better. You're just in the trenches now.

I play The Sims sometimes but hearing that tummy time has been added makes me want to avoid it - apparently I still have a bit of trauma surrounding those first months 😂

It's very tough, is totally normal to find it heavy going at times.

Social media has a lot to answer for, IMO. Real life has ups and downs.

No one enjoys their baby all of the time. No one.

Mine is 9 months next week and he is an easier baby, not a screamer, sleeps well etc but I absolutely don't enjoy every minute.

I think it's harmful for us to think we should be enjoying every minute or cherishing every second. Social media is a hell scape for this. Life isn't like that. Looking after a baby is joyful and mundane and funny and boring and happy and sad. It's absolutely fine to think your baby is both the best thing in the world and a bit of an arse. You're not letting anyone down, you are doing the best you can with what you've got. Babies (and toddlers and kids tbh) don't know what they want or what they're doing, our job is to try to help them navigate that, how we're meant to do that with no instructions or guidance who knows! Sounds like you're doing a great job.

@ClaraMarmalade - such a good post!

OP - I think it was about 5/6 months for me that I was really struggling. I did reach out for help (and as it turns out I was diagnosed with various post-natal mental health issues). Counselling didn't really work for me, what did work was time (which I appreciate possibly isn't what you want to hear). I think most trusts these days have a self-referral option.

I took my DS to baby sensory and he hated it - cried his way through every class - I didn't get any of the cute photos you see all over insta. It was hell. He had colic, silent reflux etc. Again - I much prefer toddler stage (although that could also be because he's in nursery and I'm at work...).

I found day-to-day parenting really quite dull. Thankfully I made a couple of mum friends from a group I went to and just being able to get the house to do something, even if was a coffee and pushing the babies around the shopping centre was a break for all of us.

It might be worth looking into some support for the feeding too - I follow this person on insta and she does a bottle refusal course: https://www.feedeatspeak.co.uk/bottle-refusal - my boss and his wife did it, and finally their DD took a bottle, after months of trying.

It's OK and totally normal not to enjoy your baby 100% of the time. People who say they do are lying. It's bloody tough and exhausting, even with the easiest of babies. My baby was 'easy' but some days I totally resented having my every waking moment dictated by a little creature so dependent on me. I found it draining.

I feel like I could of wrote this a few months ago. It’s absolutely 100% normal ton of enjoy every moment and please try an remember no one tells you about the hard parts and no one posts the hard parts on social media - only happy smiley photos of their lovely babies.
My babies just turned 8 months and we’ve just sleep trained him (I know it’s controversial) but it’s honestly changed our lives for the better and I feel like I’m getting my stride a bit now. Sure something will come along soon enough and trip me up 😂
I found my baby didn’t really like being a “baby” he wanted to be on the move exploring, so now he’s crawling etc he’s much more content.

I find babies boring and I had two

Very very normal. Please have a hug from me.

I hated the baby stage. I loved toddler stage. Its normal its exhusting with very little reward. Hang in there xxx

Me too ha

It's not surprising you aren't enjoying it the whole time if your baby is not happy. If he is 100% bf and is having a lot of colic like symptoms you could look into cutting some things out of your diet in case he has some food intolerance.