Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU getting him sweet FA for his birthday

16 replies

Crap40th2023 · 31/08/2023 14:32

It was my 40th last month and my husband didn't get me a present or do anything special.

We were abroad with the kids on a standard family holiday and went out for dinner as normal but other than a card from him and the kids, nothing was mentioned.

I am really hurt about it and I know if I try and address it, he'll DARVO me and suddenly I'm the bad guy.

He was 40 the year before and we went away for a citybreak where he didn't have to spend a penny as I paid for everything. I also got him a fancy expensive gift as well.

I do earn more than him but I carry the lion share of household expenses and saved up to spoil him

Normally I'm not a fan of the passive aggressive approach but AIBU to get him fuck all for his birthday when it happens later on this year?

And use the money that I would have spent to feck off on a citybreak with my friend after his birthday as a belated 40th celebration?

OP posts:
Cherryflavouranything · 31/08/2023 14:35

YANBU. But get him a card, to make it clear that you haven’t just forgotten.

SadlyACupOfTeaDoesNotSolveEverything · 31/08/2023 14:36

What does DARVO mean?

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/08/2023 14:36

Cherryflavouranything · 31/08/2023 14:35

YANBU. But get him a card, to make it clear that you haven’t just forgotten.

Yep. But you’ve got bigger issues if you can’t talk to your husband about stuff like this…

Curseofthenation · 31/08/2023 14:37

YANBU. Why have you been spoiling him when he doesn't spoil you? The fact he has to contribute as much to family expenses should mean he can buy you a decent gift. Does he usually buy you a nice birthday present?

JemOfAWoman · 31/08/2023 14:37

Get him a card and then be absolutely full on passive aggressive if he challenges this "oh I thought we weren't doing pressies anymore"
Mike Drop! 💥

Zanatdy · 31/08/2023 14:44

Well I wouldn’t buy him anything other than a card and like another poster said I’d just say you thought you weren’t doing gifts anymore. I’d be really hurt too for a big birthday when you made a lot of effort for his

Original poster
Crap40th2023 · 31/08/2023 14:50

@JemOfAWoman no I'll definitely get him a card from me and the kids, matching his effort and no more.

All my big birthdays, 18th, 21st and 30th, he's been pretty crappy but there were random birthdays where he has went all out.

For the poster who said that we've clearly got other problems if we can't talk about this and yes I agree. I have always put on a front of being a fiercely independent person who doesn't need anyone or anything but the lack of thought from him in this situation was like a punch to the throat.

OP posts:
Chatterboxy · 31/08/2023 14:51

He’d be getting a card & nothing else, he may well be surprised by the lack of any gift or thought, but he’s in no position to question it, & if he does you can just shrug your shoulders & mention that you didn’t think you were exchanging gifts anymore after not receiving anything for your birthday!

OhComeOnFFS · 31/08/2023 14:52

Yes, buy a card saying "Thinking of you on your birthday" and then think about him being livid at not being spoiled - it will cheer you up.

He doesn't sound very nice. You can be fiercely independent but still have a loving relationship. If you're saying you don't want or need anything then don't be surprised if that's what you get.

bluebellthecat · 31/08/2023 16:52

He's a lazy arsehole. My ex did this one time too many on my birthday and I dumped him on the day. We got back together a few months later but I purposefully didn't buy him a gift or book a reservation and I made it clear why. Mine knew how important it was and just couldn't be arsed. He acted like a right victim on his birthday.

Treat yourself to a gift on his birthday!

Mellowautumnmists · 31/08/2023 16:55

@Crap40th2023

I am really hurt about it and I know if I try and address it, he'll DARVO me and suddenly I'm the bad guy.

I take it from that comment that there are other issues with him in your relationship?

Whataretheodds · 31/08/2023 16:56

It's not pass-agg. You're just matching his energy.

I agree the issues sound bigger. You know that already. Sort them before they drive you bananas.

WhateverMate · 31/08/2023 17:50

Has he done anything for your past birthdays?

Pallisers · 31/08/2023 18:00

My husband did almost this exact thing on my 40th. Except he didn't even organise a card from the kids and didn't give me one himself. I bought my own birthday cake (felt the kids would be upset if I didn't have one) I was dumbfounded. We were away with family (family had given me a present of the trip - lovely apartment overlooking the ocean - so kids and him benefited too). I said nothing on the day but when we came home, we went out to dinner and I told him how hurt I was. he is usually lovely and a very kind man. he was mortified and so apologetic. It never happened again.

I couldn't not talk to him about this.

SomethingBlues · 31/08/2023 18:09

I had this with my 30th on Sunday. I’m still absolutely gutted. His energy is absolutely going to be matched going forward.

RyanGoslingsTan · 31/08/2023 21:32

SadlyACupOfTeaDoesNotSolveEverything · 31/08/2023 14:36

What does DARVO mean?

Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.
Had to Google it

New posts on this thread. Refresh page