To feel like a failure re baby sleep

[Marjoriecalls]

My baby is 13 months. He has never slept more than 3 hours without needing to be resettled, usually with a breastfeed. Naps are 40-45 mins long 95% of the time, whether cot, car, pram. He always wakes crying/moaning except first thing in the morning next to me as we co-sleep for part of the night.

I know babies waking at night is biologically normal BUT I have this sense I've failed him/us by not getting to a stage where he is a happier sleeper. He is about to start nursery and I know they can work magic but he hasn't been readied with any skills to make the transition less upsetting as he is so reliant on me for sleep.

We've tried sleep training in various senses - gentle, different settling methods, looking at schedules, a touch of leaving to cry but he gets so upset and I find it difficult, so the cycle continues.

Looking back I think there were probably lots of subtler things we could have done when he was younger to help him feel more secure in different sleep spaces with different caregivers.

AIBU to feel like a failure? I don't know any other parents in the same boat. Surely part of mat leave is to get your child comfortable sleeping, eating solids, socialising with others etc

You aren’t failing him! I had the same issues with my two. I think with breastfed babies, they learn to only be able to sleep after a feed or whilst in motion in a car or pushchair. I know my two did. I paid for an expert sleep advisor to teach me how to get my last baby to sleep as he was dreadful, only being able to sleep for about an hour at a time. I was desperate and didn’t mind paying as I was like a zombie. The trick is that your baby needs to learn how to self settle. The way the expert did it was to help me establish sense associations with sleep, e.g, soft lights, a teddy smelling of lavender or yourself which is also a touch sense, soothing sounds. It took a short while but he was able to self sooth after this and it meant then when he woke up, these sense associations helped him to fall asleep on his own. It’s not one of those ‘cry it out’ techniques. Evelyn Burdon is the name of the expert I paid to help and she has a book on Amazon. You may be able to find another sleep trainer in your area. Try asking a health visitor for recommendations. Good luck!

You are not alone. My baby is 13 months too. I still have to rock him to sleep for every nap and every bedtime. He wakes up miserable. He only naps for a similar time, sometimes an hour if I'm lucky. He still wakes during the night (last night was 4 times, usually it's 2 or 3). Screams if it's anyone but me who goes to him. I've never done sleep training (I'm too soft probably). He's no longer breastfed (his choice) but I feel your situation hard.

He started nursery about 6 weeks ago. From day one they just lay him down, in a room with other babies, no white noise, no black out blind and he just goes to sleep. It is absolutely mind boggling to me - but he worked it out. He loves it there. We didn't do a whole lot of socialisation during Mat leave but he has absolutely thrived at nursery. We had tears at first but he's made such a bond with his key worker, it really puts my mind at ease. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't sleep for ages there (2x30mins) but he PUTS HIMSELF TO SLEEP. I did not teach him that. It's crazy.

If you'd like to see more families with similar children then join The Beyond Sleep Training Project on Facebook 🙂 It is NORMAL for babies and young children to sleep better with an adult caregiver, from an evolutionary viewpoint they are trying not to get eaten by a sabre toothed tiger 😁 All mammals sleep with their young, with the exception of modern western humans. Most humans in the world today and throughout history have coslept, as is biologically normal. The idea that most/all young children can/should/do sleep alone for hours on end isn't based on biological reality.

he hasn't been readied with any skills to make the transition less upsetting as he is so reliant on me for sleep

Don't worry about this at all. Any nursery worth their salt will be well practised at helping children find a way to fall asleep with them that is different to at home. I breastfeed my baby to sleep. My husband carries him in a sling until he's asleep and then transfers him. My mum walks him in the pram. My dad rocks him in the chair. And so on!

Looking back I think there were probably lots of subtler things we could have done when he was younger to help him feel more secure in different sleep spaces with different caregivers.

In my experience this isn't true. One of my sons is super chilled and will fall (and stay) asleep anywhere. The other has always been very high needs and needed a lot of support with sleep. It's just who they are.

Dd didn’t sleep for long periods for years. Kids who slept well at night belonged to Other People.

For a while, after I put her to bed, DH would take the shift until midnight because she wouldn’t look for the boob from him. That gave the old boobs a break for a bit.

She stopped her overnight feeds at 19 months but still woke and had a drink of water for another couple of years but settled back down again happily enough.

You’re not failing him at all. He’s happy and rested thanks to you.
We did the Ferber method at 6 months to help my baby sleep through and go to sleep independently. This helped tremendously. But I know this isn’t for everyone and most of his buddies who haven’t been sleep trained are still waking every couple hours and rocked/fed to sleep - it’s perfectly perfectly normal.