DD wants a fresh start

[CalmBeforeStorm01]

DD, 22, has officially changed her name as she wants to put distance between who she is now and her past self with everything she had to deal with. She no longer has a relationship with her father (long back-story and his choice) and she just wants a fresh start, a new life under her terms.

She is starting a new job soon, the job of her dreams that hopefully leads to some future professional notoriety and she is adamant she doesn't want either her father, her estranged family (his) or anyone not of her choosing to find her online and make the connection.

We talked her decision through and if it makes her happy then I'm happy too, not that I agree completely with her rationale. She hasn't changed her first name but has added in my late DM's name and has chosen an old family name on my side for her surname.

Why did I feel so emotional when I saw it on the deed poll certificate for the first time? Every time I think about it, I well up. I keep remembering when she was born, the happy times and how life would have been different if her father stepped up. It's dragging me back to a time I thought was dealt with long ago. Is this a reasonable reaction to something that doesn't really affect me that much as it's all about how DD feels.

It's an emotional reaction, which you are perfectly entitled to. I know Mumsnet is all brisk and you'll probably get loads of "it's her decision, so you get over it" responses, but I just wanted to say that I feel you.

Real life throws up emotional challenges. Being a mum entangles your emotions with not just your child, but the "what should have been".

You'll come to terms with it in time, but it's absolutely fine for you to come on here and say you're having a wobble.

Thank you SingingSands for your kind and constructive words. There's a bit of regret and remorse wrapped up in it too, thinking if I'd done a better job of things, would it have come to this. I just want her to be happy and fulfilled and I suppose a name is just a name. It's a lovely name too btw, with a nod to my amazing mum who only knew DD for a few months but would have been so proud of the woman she has become.

This young woman who has taken the bull by the horns, turned her life around and bagged herself a great job - you brought her up to be this woman. All by yourself. What a marvellous job you have done!

Of course you will feel sad, I imagine the bad memories are flooding back. No good ever came of dwelling on the past or wondering what might have been. It wasn't to be so there really is no point in considering it. Look to the future - your DD is going to have a great life.

She’s chosen names from your side of the family - what a wonderful tribute.

I understand the sadness, but hopefully you can focus on how well she is doing and how strong a connection she feels to you and your side of the family.

You're human. We don't know what might upset us til it does. It's taken you by surprise & brought up mixed emotions which are always harder to deal with than straightforward "I hate this", "I love that" emotions. Give yourself time & as PP has said, be proud of your bright & brave daughter.

She's got a great job, she's got independence of thought, she's discussed thus with you and chosen names that honour her maternal lineage. I really don't think you need to wonder "if I'd done a better job of things" because all of this screams that you've done a fantastic job raising a wonderful young woman who loves and respects you.

You've all set me off again! Thank you for the re-assurance, I needed it ❤

Bless you. You have asked why you feel this way but in the next breath have gone on to explain exactly why the change has moved you.

If I were you, I would just ride the wave and let yourself be sad. Mourn what could have been and don’t chastise yourself for it. It is cathartic and your feelings are valid.

Then also remind yourselves of the positives. Your DD is obviously close to you and proud of you. She’s championed your family line and she’s at a young age got the strength and conviction to know her worth.

Again though, I’m not saying think of the positives and ignore the negative feelings. They both exist and both deserve consideration and understanding. I hope you feel better soon.

I totally understand the emotion but you should also be proud that your DD is putting it behind her and making a positive decision to move forward in her life. It’s also a nice nod to you as a mum that she’s chosen a surname with links to your family.

It's funny how this one thing has caused so many emotions to come to the surface. Things that I know make me sad so I've learned to suppress them over the years. Haven't dealt with them in quite a while and here we are.

I'm going to pull myself together and focus on all the positives to come out of this conversation which has been really helpful. Thank you.

The erasure of the name, means you're probably once again(if you even did the first time instead if scrambling to keep it all together) mourning the life you and her should've had. The life you imagined when she was that tiny little baby and she got that name. All the hopes and dreams and plans you had. Rationally, the have been gone for a long long time. Emotionally though, you're letting them all go ,all over again and once again not by choice.

You sound very loving,supportive and you raised an amazing young woman. You can allow yourself to wallow and just.. feel for a bit. You can have that break.

I did this. Changed my first name to a nickname of my first name and changed my surname to one from my mum's side. I was the victim of a terrible crime and wanted to feel like no one could find me.

I've enjoyed my new name and identity so much more than my old one. It really feels like 'me'. I changed it in 2008 aged 16.

Maybe while all your emotions are up you could access some therapy. Sometimes it can take ages to connect to those in therapy but you have had a headstart with this experience. The pain and disappointment has been lurking under the surface so this may be a new day for you too. Onwards and upwards for you both!

What a fantastic mum you must have been/still are to give her that self belief and confidence to do something like this. Of course its emotional, it would be very odd if you werent but there is so much positivity in this, you need to see the woman that she has become and will evolve into rather than mourn what she could have been.

Thanks again to everyone who has responded. DD and I talked about the fact I reached out to the MN community and we had a really deep chat about a lot of things this evening. She has been in therapy for a while now to help her come to terms with the traumatic events of the past few years including losing two people she held most dear in the world and it makes me proud that she's done all the work to get to where she is. She did say this evening that I've been through those things too and would benefit from seeing a therapist given my reaction to the name change.

Anyway, it's been a strange emotional day but I think I'm going off to bed a little wiser and certainly re-assured by everyone's support.

You sound like a great mum and you clearly have a fantastic relationship with your DD. I think you should be really proud of yourself, to be honest. I would be.

I do understand the emotion this has triggered but in no way should you feel that you have fallen short. Congratulate yourself on raising a strong, single minded and loving daughter.