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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How unreasonable am I being?

24 replies

Spinningroundincircles · 31/08/2023 12:09

I kicked my ex out of our home (joint tenancy) at the end of June, I realise it wasn't the best way to go about things but after years of toxicity, communication issues and him not taking my concerns seriously, I snapped.

He spent a while telling me I didn't want him to go but was just taking other stresses out on him (he always says this) but eventually left.

An hour later I got a text saying he was going to sleep in the garage, then he turned up at the house wanting the phone charger we share, he eventually left then sent a text telling me the Internet would be turned off "shortly" (it's in his name).

The internet wasn't ever turned off and the next week, I can't even remember how but he'd started being nicer to me. I helped him find a room to rent and he asked to stay here while he was decorated. I agreed and we ended up sharing the bed, which was hard for me as by that point I was having doubts and I kind of got a bit beggy and pathetic, he maintained that he was leaving but wanted to stay friends to see if we can develop a relationship from scratch in the future.

He moved out 4 weeks ago and only collected the majority of his work stuff from the garage a week ago. The rest of the stuff he uses less often is still in there and he has the spare garage key, as well as the car key which as he drives and I don't, he can technically use whenever (he has a van so doesn't tend to use the car, though).

He took the xbox with him when he left which although I bought it, I agreed with as he uses it more than me, and he uses my Netflix account to watch TV, which again I offered.

He's been round most days over the summer, either collecting and dropping work stuff off to my garage, driving me and my children places when needed and taking me food shopping, so he's been helpful in that way but anytime I broach anything to do with us or the future, he ignores me and we end up arguing.

2 days ago he randomly messaged asking if he could pop round for coffee while he was on a break from work, when he got here he was covered in dust from his job so wanted me to bring the coffee out to him. While I was there, I asked what was happening with getting my children to school next week; he's always done the school run as I don't drive, I've kind of hinted a few times at him carrying on until my driving test in Oct and he's never disagreed, but not outwardly agreed either (talking to him tends to be like getting blood out of a stone) and so this time, he told me he didn't want to take the children to school and back as it wasn't his job to do it any more. Then he picked up his phone and started scrolling and ignoring me, so after getting annoyed at his lack of response I went inside and he left.

I phoned him later that day and we ended up arguing as he wouldn't change his mind or see my point of view, so he hung up on me.

Then yesterday, I accidentally opened a letter that was for him. It turned out to be a next steps letter about a speeding fine he's ignored for months. Seems like it's been to court and he owes £700 so I phoned him, then when he didn't answer I sent him a pic of the letter telling him he should sort it out and he replied asking why I was opening his mail. I explained it was by accident and he basically was really off with me, I ended up telling him I'd phone the court and give them his new address if he won't deal with it as I don't want bailiffs turning up here and he accused me of "starting the threats early".

This triggered me (I have anxiety) so I phoned him a few times but he wouldn't answer, then he blocked my number.

I then decided to tell him to collect the rest of his stuff as I'd be leaving it outside the garage. He sent some nasty reply then muted me or something on Facebook so my messages don't get delivered.

Today, I noticed his van drive past my house at 9am so I sent him a nicer message on WhatsApp, just asking if we can be civil. His reply was that be was driving past to check his stuff wasn't outside.

I now think he might have changed the password that enables me to log in and pay. The account is in his name and so all forgot password links go to his email address, so I can't change the password without him helping me.

Sorry this was so long, I'm just wondering whether I've been completely unreasonable in dealing with this or whether he's also being a bit of an arse?

Part of me feels like I should change the Netflix password so he can't get access but it feels so petty and he gets angry anytime I try to assert myself, so if I did do it, I know he'd have even more reason to call me a psycho.

I desperately wanted to stay on good terms with him and prior to phoning him far too much yesterday I don't see what I've done wrong

OP posts:

Randobelia · 31/08/2023 12:12

Is he the father of your kids?

YourNameGoesHere · 31/08/2023 12:13

If he's not the father of your children you need to stop messaging him and both move on. You're giving mixed signals on whether it is over or not and you've no reason to remain civil if there's no kids involved.

catsnhats11 · 31/08/2023 12:14

As above - is he the father? From what you say sounds like you are stringing him along (for the school runs, and what else?) to be honest, time for a clean break - assuming he's not the father, as you say "my children".

Original poster

Spinningroundincircles · 31/08/2023 12:14

He's not my children's father but we were together for 8 years....

OP posts:

Sirzy · 31/08/2023 12:14

You need a proper split.

i assume from the way it’s worded they aren’t just children - so getting them to school is your full responsibility.

he needs to collect all of his stuff by a set date (I wokld give him two week)

you need to get the tenancy into your name and all bills etc in your name.

the back and forward crap isn’t helping anyone

Whinge · 31/08/2023 12:15

Spinningroundincircles · 31/08/2023 12:14

He's not my children's father but we were together for 8 years....

Then he doesn't need to do the school run. You need to find alternative arrangments and both move on with your lives.

HerProposal · 31/08/2023 12:16

Sounds like both of you could handle this a lot better, evidently you're not right for each other and I'd plan a life without him - no favours, no lifts, no sharing passwords etc - just move on and have no contact. (unless he's the father of your kids but it doesn't sound like he is?).

RhiWrites · 31/08/2023 12:16

You’re both being unreasonable but you the most.

You kicked him out of a flat you share, you begged him to come back, you hint that he should take your children to school but don’t discuss it properly, and now you’re opening his post and making threats.

Just stop it. Let him arrange a time to collect his stuff, start a new single tenancy with the landlord and find a new arrangement for taking your kids to school.

HerProposal · 31/08/2023 12:17

Spinningroundincircles · 31/08/2023 12:14

He's not my children's father but we were together for 8 years....

Cross post - in that case, why on earth are you asking him for lifts and getting shitty when he says (rightly) it's not his job?

You need to stop messaging and calling him.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 31/08/2023 12:19

Spinningroundincircles · 31/08/2023 12:14

He's not my children's father but we were together for 8 years....

Then why on earth do you expect him to keep doing the school run?

They're your children, you need to do it. And stop communicating with him - it's over.

Original poster

Spinningroundincircles · 31/08/2023 12:21

I don't know how to quote messages, sorry...

I guess I got annoyed because we split up in Oct last year and he carried on taking the children to school, he'd said he wanted to try again with developing a relationship in the future and he was kind of acting like we were still in a relationship...staying at mine to look after the cats while I was away with my children for a couple of nights, keeping his stuff in the garage, popping round pretty much every day, bought me some jewellery and things for my birthday a couple of weeks ago... etc.

So for him to suddenly turn round and say its not his job to take the kids to school...whilst he's technically right, felt quite cold and uncaring.

OP posts:

BellaJuno · 31/08/2023 12:23

You can’t have your cake and eat it! You’re either together and you rely on him for stuff or you’re split and you manage alone. You’re muddying the waters big time!

VeridicalVagabond · 31/08/2023 12:24

Maybe he's met someone else and is ready to move on now, but was happy to keep stringing you along for his convenience prior to this? Maybe he's just fed up of ferrying someone else's kids about? Who knows. It doesn't really matter as you're broken up.

Pp are right, clean break time. Separate all finances, shared passwords etc, set him a date to collect his belongings, disentangle, and move on. This isn't healthy.

Sirzy · 31/08/2023 12:24

So all of this back and forward on and off has been going on for a year almost.

for the sake of the children just split properly. There is no way all of this isn’t having an negative impact on them

FictionalCharacter · 31/08/2023 12:25

You're both being unreasonable. The relationship is clearly over and both of you need a clean break. That will mean sorting out transfer of accounts, transport for your kids, and putting his belongings in storage if he doesn't have space for them.

Once you've split properly you won't need to see each other and argue.

Whinge · 31/08/2023 12:25

So for him to suddenly turn round and say its not his job to take the kids to school...whilst he's technically right, felt quite cold and uncaring.

I mean you've kicked him out of the house, you're constantly harrassing him on the phone, you've opened his mail and threatened to dump his stuff outside. But you think he should continue to do a favour 5 days a week for the next few months, or even longer if you don't pass your test.

catsnhats11 · 31/08/2023 12:26

Spinningroundincircles · 31/08/2023 12:21

I don't know how to quote messages, sorry...

So for him to suddenly turn round and say its not his job to take the kids to school...whilst he's technically right, felt quite cold and uncaring.

No he did all that stuff in the hope you could reconcile, you shouldn't have let him because it's giving him the wrong impression. Maybe he has now realised he's wasting his time (is he?)

HerProposal · 31/08/2023 12:27

Spinningroundincircles · 31/08/2023 12:21

I don't know how to quote messages, sorry...

So for him to suddenly turn round and say its not his job to take the kids to school...whilst he's technically right, felt quite cold and uncaring.

You split up with him last October - that was the time to sever ties and communication; keeping in touch makes things messy, emotional and confusing.

It sounds like you let him do you favours because he was thinking about getting back with you? But this makes no sense as you split with him.

Do you feel a bit dependent on him? It's as though you don't quite want to be rid of him.

This is not a healthy relationship, you've split up, and clearly being 'friends' or 'friends with benefits' or 'friends that might get back together again' is not working. You both need to move on and have no contact.

Your poor kids! This isn't a good role model of behaviour for them, it's dysfunctional and messy.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 31/08/2023 12:27

So for him to suddenly turn round and say its not his job to take the kids to school...whilst he's technically right, felt quite cold and uncaring.

He's not your partner anymore and he's not your children's dad. It's not cold and uncaring for him to want to move on from this mess.

I don't know why you keep texting him, calling him and seeing him either. You both need to move on.

OnlyFannys · 31/08/2023 12:36

I got a bit lost in the op with all the bits and pieces but the gist seems to be you threw him out (which it doesn't sound like you actually had the right to do if he is on the tenancy) but still expected him to run around after you and your kids. I think it sounds like he has got tired of it and wants a proper split which is entirely reasonable. Your kids are not his problem even if you do find that cols so I think YABU

10HailMarys · 31/08/2023 12:39

Spinningroundincircles · 31/08/2023 12:21

I don't know how to quote messages, sorry...

So for him to suddenly turn round and say its not his job to take the kids to school...whilst he's technically right, felt quite cold and uncaring.

He did all those things hoping to save the relationship, and you let him carry on despite having no intention of getting back with him.

I suspect he’s now realised that and therefore - quite reasonably - he is no longer willing to plan his day around taking your children to school. You were together for eight years but ultimately he is not their father. It might seem ‘cold and uncaring’ to you but it was you who ended the relationship so it’s pretty reasonable that he feels that way.

YourNameGoesHere · 31/08/2023 12:40

Whinge · 31/08/2023 12:25

So for him to suddenly turn round and say its not his job to take the kids to school...whilst he's technically right, felt quite cold and uncaring.

Well quite. I mean you're being about as unreasonable as you can be in this situation to be honest.

You were also completely wrong to kick him out of a home in which you shared the tenancy, you had absolutely no right to do so and the fact he left and allowed you to stay there with your children despite not having to do plus he's taken you shopping and them on trips out this summer so shows he's actually not the terrible person you're painting him to be.

KinooOrKinog · 31/08/2023 14:00

You're both as bad as each other imo

sodthesodoff · 31/08/2023 14:10

You kicked him out of the house when you had no right to do so. Have you taken his name off the tenancy yet?

He takes YOUR kids to school. He takes you shopping. He's helped you out when he frankly doesn't need to.

You threaten to dump his stuff outside. And now you're here asking if you should be petty and change the Netflix password. Because that's what grown ass adults do right

You're a hot mess. I can't believe there are kids involved in this. Grow up. Leave the poor man alone and let him get on with his life.

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