Asking friend to event but they forget?

mymycherrypie · 2023-08-31T10:58:38+00:00

You ask if they’d like to come to a specific thing on a specific date, and they say yeah I’ll come, but then never mention it again? Do you keep bringing it up? Or take it as a sign they aren’t that bothered. I’ve done this a couple of time with a friend and she never brings it up again or seems to forget, or has been unable to come in the end. Even if I’ve said a couple of times. So I go with someone else, as it feels like she’s not really in to it. AIBU? I feel bad that I didn’t mention it again, again!

ComtesseDeSpair · 31/08/2023 12:09

I’d generally follow up a “want to come to this on 14 March?” question by WhatsApp with fixed arrangements - time to meet, travel plan to get there etc. They’re probably waiting as much for you to formalise an otherwise fairly casual request with actual details.

alwaysmovingforwards · 31/08/2023 12:10

ComtesseDeSpair · 31/08/2023 12:09

I’d generally follow up a “want to come to this on 14 March?” question by WhatsApp with fixed arrangements - time to meet, travel plan to get there etc. They’re probably waiting as much for you to formalise an otherwise fairly casual request with actual details.

Agreed.
It's the arrangements that turn it from an idea into a plan.

Original poster

mymycherrypie · 31/08/2023 12:11

I do that and she will reply answering something else or not really pinning anything down.

OP posts:

Parentingmishaps · 31/08/2023 12:12

Tell her she needs to commit to a yes or a no because she's treating you like a back up option for when there's nothing else to do. I'd personally walk away from her it doesn't sound like much of a friendship to me

Original poster

mymycherrypie · 31/08/2023 12:12

Or she’ll say, I’m so busy during this period (and it will be the period which contains the event) so I don’t mention it again as it seems like she is avoiding committing.

OP posts:

Original poster

mymycherrypie · 31/08/2023 12:14

Now I feel bad that I didn’t ask her. But I did. She just didn’t seem keen.

OP posts:

GingerIsBest · 31/08/2023 12:15

Do you want to meet up to go to that exhibit on 17th September?

No - great, no worries, I'll find someone else.
Yes - fabulous. It starts at 09:00 so shall we aim to be there at starting time and then have a nice lunch after? I can book RESTAURANT for 13:00? Looking forward to it.

Vagueness etc should be challenged so if there is no answer to the above or it's vague, you say, "I need to confirm re this exhibit and lunch handbook restaurant. If you're in, let me know by the end of the day otherwise no worries, I'll find someone else as I know you're busy. xx"

Original poster

mymycherrypie · 31/08/2023 12:17

She says yes and then is vague. I think I do need to challenge that a little more so that I can’t be accused of not asking.

OP posts:

alwaysmovingforwards · 31/08/2023 14:07

mymycherrypie · 31/08/2023 12:17

She says yes and then is vague. I think I do need to challenge that a little more so that I can’t be accused of not asking.

Hiya, you sound super busy right now but I'm planning ahead and booking my diary out / tickets / travel / childcare / whatever for the event - are you a yay or nay for this one?

afrikat · 31/08/2023 14:13

I have friends who say yes to stuff then seem to immediately forget. I always follow up with a WhatsApp nearer the time asking if they are still up for it and they usually are. Sometimes people just need reminding

jc12689 · 31/08/2023 14:57

I'd ask them and 1 follow up asking to confirm as I need to organize take deposit (or whatever). If I don't hear within a few days, assume they're out.

Original poster

mymycherrypie · 31/08/2023 16:12

I do remind so I think it needs maybe 2 or 3 follow ups with this particular friend.

OP posts:

melj1213 · 31/08/2023 16:24

mymycherrypie · 31/08/2023 12:17

She says yes and then is vague. I think I do need to challenge that a little more so that I can’t be accused of not asking.

But when she says yes is the point at which you should then firm up the details. If she's stil vague then that when you tell her "No worries, I'll ask someone else if you're busy" and do just that

"Do you want to go to this show on September 15th?"
"Yes"
"Ok, tickets are £20 each. I'll let you know when I've booked so you can transfer your share. Was thinking we could go to X restaurant for dinner too, shall I book that for pre-show?"
"Oh I'm actually going to be busy during that period so I can't commit"
"No worries, I really want to go to this show so I'll just book for me then and if you can get a ticket closer to the time then let me know and we can meet up/I'll ask Jane instead"

Original poster

mymycherrypie · 31/08/2023 16:36

melj1213 · 31/08/2023 16:24

But when she says yes is the point at which you should then firm up the details. If she's stil vague then that when you tell her "No worries, I'll ask someone else if you're busy" and do just that

"Do you want to go to this show on September 15th?"
"Yes"
"Ok, tickets are £20 each. I'll let you know when I've booked so you can transfer your share. Was thinking we could go to X restaurant for dinner too, shall I book that for pre-show?"
"Oh I'm actually going to be busy during that period so I can't commit"
"No worries, I really want to go to this show so I'll just book for me then and if you can get a ticket closer to the time then let me know and we can meet up/I'll ask Jane instead"

Show quote history

It’s not really like that, we don’t get to the “oh I’m actually going to be busy so can’t commit” stage.

she won’t answer and the next text will be about something else. Consistently, not just once or twice.

OP posts:

Mumof2teens79 · 31/08/2023 16:41

If someone asked me to do something and I said yes, I wouldn't mention it again until they did.
I would assume that if they didn't confirm/remind or make specific plans with me that they had changed their mind.
I would expect them to follow up - such as confirming they had bought tickets or similar - pretty soon after the initial conversation

Mumof2teens79 · 31/08/2023 16:46

mymycherrypie · 31/08/2023 16:36

It’s not really like that, we don’t get to the “oh I’m actually going to be busy so can’t commit” stage.

she won’t answer and the next text will be about something else. Consistently, not just once or twice.

Show quote history

So is she saying yes, or is she not answering?
You are being quite vague yourself here, maybe she is confused.

Original poster

mymycherrypie · 31/08/2023 16:50

She says yes, then at the point I try to firm it up, it gets unanswered so I assume she’s not interested and leave it.

people here say I need to firm it up which is what I’m trying to do, so maybe I need to ask again, again!

OP posts:

Mumof2teens79 · 31/08/2023 16:50

It it a couple of times or time after time?
Are you following up with specifics or not getting to that point?
Do you feel like you haven't asked, or being accused of not asking?

DD is like this with her friends. They will mention something when all together but she will assume that unless they specifically invite her and send details then she has not been asked.

Original poster

mymycherrypie · 31/08/2023 16:53

No it’s more of a do you fancy this?
Yes.
ok let’s find a date, I can do this weekend or that weekend.

reply next day is about something else

I either give up then or wait a while and say, we never found a date for that thing did we, how about blah date.

next text will be something else.

then when I’ve done the activity with someone else, she will say oh we never got to do the thing, and I feel bad because I didn’t follow it up.

OP posts:

Mumof2teens79 · 31/08/2023 16:58

mymycherrypie · 31/08/2023 16:53

No it’s more of a do you fancy this?
Yes.
ok let’s find a date, I can do this weekend or that weekend.

reply next day is about something else

I either give up then or wait a while and say, we never found a date for that thing did we, how about blah date.

next text will be something else.

then when I’ve done the activity with someone else, she will say oh we never got to do the thing, and I feel bad because I didn’t follow it up.

Then it's her fault

liveforsummer · 31/08/2023 17:03

ComtesseDeSpair · 31/08/2023 12:09

I’d generally follow up a “want to come to this on 14 March?” question by WhatsApp with fixed arrangements - time to meet, travel plan to get there etc. They’re probably waiting as much for you to formalise an otherwise fairly casual request with actual details.

This, with no follow up she's likely to think your changed your mind about going at all or her coming

romdowa · 31/08/2023 17:07

mymycherrypie · 31/08/2023 16:53

No it’s more of a do you fancy this?
Yes.
ok let’s find a date, I can do this weekend or that weekend.

reply next day is about something else

I either give up then or wait a while and say, we never found a date for that thing did we, how about blah date.

next text will be something else.

then when I’ve done the activity with someone else, she will say oh we never got to do the thing, and I feel bad because I didn’t follow it up.

Surely when she texts saying something else you would just say did you not get my last message and then repeat the last text.
Tbh she sounds annoying and I'd just stop asking her to anything

Original poster

mymycherrypie · 31/08/2023 17:09

Well this is it, by then it will be the third time of me saying it and I think if I’ve had to push this much, she doesn’t want to come and is avoiding saying no.

so I just don’t say it and book it alone as she hasn’t answered. Then I think maybe I should have asked a third time.

OP posts:

Windbeneathmybingowings · 31/08/2023 17:51

No I think by the third time, I’d be asking someone else as well.

melj1213 · 31/08/2023 18:39

mymycherrypie · 31/08/2023 16:53

No it’s more of a do you fancy this?
Yes.
ok let’s find a date, I can do this weekend or that weekend.

reply next day is about something else

I either give up then or wait a while and say, we never found a date for that thing did we, how about blah date.

next text will be something else.

then when I’ve done the activity with someone else, she will say oh we never got to do the thing, and I feel bad because I didn’t follow it up.

In which case you need to be more proactive and push her for a response.

When she replies about something else, redirect her to your previous message:

"Do you want to do X?"
"Yes, sounds good"
"Great, I'll book the tickets do you want to go to the 3pm show or the 7pm show?"

crickets

"How's your day going, OP?"
"Good thanks. Did you get my last message? I said I'd book the tickets for X but need to know which showing you want to go to so which is better for you, 3pm or 7pm? No worries if you can't make it, I'll ask Jane instead"

If she replies then great, problem solved and you just need to be more proactive in future. If she doesn't then reply then just write it off with her but if she brings it up again in future then you need to be honest with her and point out it was her decision that meant you didn't go

"Oh OP we never did get things in place to go to X, that was a shame"
"I was ready to book the tickets but you never got back to me with a straight answer. I really wanted to go and I couldn't afford to write off the tickets if you couldn't make it so ended up inviting Jane to go instead and we had a blast."

You don't have to be rude or confrontational but if she is constantly being flaky then you are not wrong to point it out.