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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS's behaviour when drinking

19 replies

kristofe · 31/08/2023 03:57

I'm at my wits end with DS

He’s 19, he goes out drinking a lot. When he's sober, he's fine there's no issue apart from him being a bit lazy. However; when he's been drinking. He's angry, rude, disrespectful etc. He accuses me of things I haven't done and has has hit me in the past but when he was sober the next day he was mortified and apologised.

He went out last night as it's a friends birthday and he told me he'd message me at 11 to tell me if he was coming home or staying with friends. He didn't message so I called him, I got told to fuck off and leave him alone. I couldn't sleep as I never do when he's out, he got back at around 1 and I went down because he set the dog off barking and I have younger children. He looks like he's been in a fight but he's adamant he hasn't been. He told me he was going to be sick and made no effort to go to the toilet and before I could give him anything, he was sick everywhere. Then he started complaining about being in pain with his hand and called me a bad mum for not taking him to A&E now even though I told him I will later, if he's still in pain and when he's sober.

I'm fed up with him and I'm seriously considering asking him to leave but will that BU?

OP posts:

Thehippowife · 31/08/2023 04:05

This sounds like he has a drinking problem. I would be telling him straight when sober - he goes to the GP and gets help or he moves out. I couldn’t live with this, especially with younger ones in the home.
….he would also be cleaning up that vomit !!

LifeIsShambolic · 31/08/2023 05:56

He may or may not have a drinking problem.

You definitely have a problem with his drinking though. I am normally in the 'we were all young once' camp however your son has hit you! No more chances, he would be out on his arse.
Oh, and he could take himself to bloody a&e.

landbeforegrime · 31/08/2023 06:29

no, not unreasonable to tell him to leave. he's abusive and there are younger children in the house. he is also an adult with a drinking problem. you may want to offer him an ultimatum re stop drinking and get support or leave but it's up to you. sounds like he's crossed the line too many times, he knows it but hasn't done anything to change. something has to give. I'd be worried about how he treats his partner if he gets into a relationship though as it sounds like he could be on track to being a perpetrator of domestic violence so if you have any influence over him whatsoever then tell him straight and do what you can to get him on a better track.

Original poster

kristofe · 31/08/2023 10:10

I did give him another chance after he hit me and he hasn't been violent towards me since, just disrespectful and with an attitude.

I'm at my wits end, I didn't get much sleep last night as I was checking on him and he's now still asleep and probably won't get up until this afternoon.

OP posts:

Blobblobblob · 31/08/2023 10:11

He needs to go. Wtf.

NeedToChangeName · 31/08/2023 10:13

This organisation might be able to support you https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics

Al-Anon Family Groups are for the families & friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength & hope in order to solve their common problems.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk

CurlewKate · 31/08/2023 10:18

You have an abusive man in your house. Think of it like that. He needs to leave.

Dolores87 · 31/08/2023 10:21

I would tell him his binge drinking is a huge problem and he is not welcome to come home drunk. Tbh though if there are other children in the house I think he needs to move out.

Cherrysoup · 31/08/2023 10:23

That’s an appalling example for the younger kids. He can pay rent elsewhere, I don’t think you should be tolerating an aggressive drunk in your home. If it was your dp, posters would be telling you to ltb.

my82my · 31/08/2023 10:32

Are you and his dad still together, If not could he go and live with him?
Something needs to change and he needs a massive wake up call. Does he earn enough to be able to rent somewhere?

Original poster

kristofe · 31/08/2023 12:28

I'm not with his dad but he can't go and live with him as he doesn't even have a room at his dads anymore. He doesn't work but he is due to go back to college, not sure if he actually will. I don't give him money but his dad does monthly, as he does our other children.

OP posts:

my82my · 31/08/2023 12:34

kristofe · 31/08/2023 12:28

Tell your ex to stop giving him money. He won't be able to afford to drink and it will kick him into finding a job and in turn it will hopefully sort his attitude out.

Fraaahnces · 31/08/2023 12:35

I would video him and all of the sick and let him know that he is not welcome after ANY alcohol. Also, I’d be leaving him to clean the vomit up and blasting opera at 6am.

Original poster

kristofe · 31/08/2023 13:24

I've tried telling ex not to give him money but he still does as it wouldn't be fair on DS if his siblings get money from him but he doesn't. He doesn't see them often and he isn't interested in DS’s drinking.

OP posts:

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 31/08/2023 13:29

oh op I’m so sorry this sounds like a difficult situation. I’m shocked that he has gone so far as to actually hit you. His behaviour is very unacceptable and I don’t think you would be wrong to tell him to leave the home. He may be your child but he is abusive and you need to protect yourself and the younger children and he needs to know his behaviour isn’t acceptable.

He can go live with his dad. Especially if his dad is enabling his behaviour by providing money. So what if there isn’t a spare room, that’s for your son and his dad to sort out. Maybe he will be able to return in the future if he is calmed and with very strong ground rules.

I’d be prepared to call the police if he is abusive again too!

ManchesterLu · 31/08/2023 13:47

If that's how he reacts with alcohol in his system, he should respect everyone around him and not drink it.

Certainly you shouldn't be allowing an abusive man to live in your house, because that's what he is.

BrawnWild · 31/08/2023 13:54

I think he is abusive and needs to get it under control or he will be a violent husband and shit dad down the line.

I think I'd handle it by telling him he isnt getting money from me (tell ex anything he sends for DS either goes to DS directly or you will be donating it the charity or something) and hat a condition of him staying living in the family home is that he speaks to a doctor about his behaviour with a view to establishing whether there is a drinking problem or a course or counselling suitable to deal with his underlying anger.

my82my · 31/08/2023 15:46

kristofe · 31/08/2023 13:24

I'm that case send him to his dads, he'll have to sleep on a sofa.

Original poster

kristofe · 31/08/2023 16:53

I don't think his dad would have him if I'm honest, as I said he is fine when he's sober mostly so it's only when he's had a drink but I don't see him giving up drinking as his friends do, but this is every weekend and some weekdays.

His dad gives him the money directly plus more if DS asks.

OP posts:

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