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Original poster

Another Grandparent one

6 replies

Socksandfrocks · 31/08/2023 00:11

I'm so wound up I can't sleep. I kicked my dad and stepmum out my house today over an argument about seeing my DD. In her 4 years shes only slept over 4 times and she sees them probably once every 1.5-2 months, usually a mid week dinner/evening visit, back to our home about 8pm for bed.

They saw her today for a few hours and on drop off said "YOU need to start making more effort to communicate because you're not letting us see our grandchild enough"

Basically I said that I've tried to give them dates and they always say they're busy, and if they want to see her they need to let me know when they're free as we can work around it. They're usually booked up for 5-6 weekends in a row. They both also work shifts so have unregular work patterns so I don't know when they're free mid week (although midweek visits means me and DH don't get any breaks, and DD ends up grouchy from being up late) Apparently I should know their shifts or should ask them when their shifts are.

They kept saying that it's my responsibility to keep in touch if I want my DD to spend time with them. But with how busy they are I think it should be them that let's us know when they're actually free. In short I kicked them out as they just wouldn't listen, kept telling me I was wrong and wouldn't accept any responsibility for their part in it. We recently had a week long family holiday from hell with them too and made me and DH feel bad because they had her for an hour about 3 times in the week and commented when we thought we weren't listening about how kids ruin holidays, how it was "their holiday too". I'm still very upset about that and definitely changed our relationship.

OP posts:
AndWordsWhen · 31/08/2023 00:45

My PILs were exactly the same. They would instruct me (never DH) that to send them times the DC were available and a list of things the DC would like to do that they (PIL) would choose from.
But as PILs were the ones with the mad social diary, my reply was always the same - 'no problem, they'd love to see you, let me know when works for you. A walk to the park and pizza would make them happy.'
But they never would commit to anything, so they never saw the DC and then still complained every visit.
They blamed me (not DH). But I was too busy working and looking after the kids to take on the responsibility for organising their as well. And DH didn't care, which I guess they knew as they never bothered issuing any instructions to him.

Original poster
Socksandfrocks · 31/08/2023 00:52

AndWordsWhen · 31/08/2023 00:45

My PILs were exactly the same. They would instruct me (never DH) that to send them times the DC were available and a list of things the DC would like to do that they (PIL) would choose from.
But as PILs were the ones with the mad social diary, my reply was always the same - 'no problem, they'd love to see you, let me know when works for you. A walk to the park and pizza would make them happy.'
But they never would commit to anything, so they never saw the DC and then still complained every visit.
They blamed me (not DH). But I was too busy working and looking after the kids to take on the responsibility for organising their as well. And DH didn't care, which I guess they knew as they never bothered issuing any instructions to him.

That's just it.

We're free pretty much every weekend, a few weeks ago we actually cancelled some long over due play date plans we had with friends for a weekend they had free, after months of not being available, it was so rare so we took the hit to make it work. Ended up cancelled due to sickness on our side and the next weekend they said they had available is the end of September. So that has been booked in, who knows if it still is.

OP posts:
AndWordsWhen · 31/08/2023 10:55

I don't know how you solve it, we never did. Relattions with them just deteriorated over time as they would not make any effort to see us, and I refused to do the expected 'women's' work of organising everything. The only advice I'd give is to make sure they know and your DH knows it's down to them to work this out, not you.
The truth is that had either PIL or DH shown the slightest bit of appreciation, I'd have probably just organised stuff. But as they both thought it was down to me to sort everything out, and I only got blame when things didn't happen, not thanks when they did. So one day I just stopped.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 31/08/2023 11:22

Surely you aren't desperate for your dd to be around such people?
Stop organising anything.. They know where you live...

Acheyknees · 31/08/2023 11:40

If GP's want to see their grandchildren, I think its up to them to facilitate it. Why should they give you a list of dates they are available for you to work around?
My PILs were like this, 'We're retired now and we have things we want to do and see'. Fine, but don't think I'm going to rearrange my life to fit in a visit on the 3rd weekend in March because that's 'all we can do'.
Don't guilt trip me on the phone with 'oh they are growing up so fast, we really miss them' when you can't be arsed to divert 5 miles off motorway to see them on your way to 'someone you met on hpliday'. Grrrrr.

Original poster
Socksandfrocks · 31/08/2023 13:03

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 31/08/2023 11:22

Surely you aren't desperate for your dd to be around such people?
Stop organising anything.. They know where you live...

That's what I've done a bit done and they've attacked me with this. Just can't win.
We don't get any breaks and our relationship is struggling tbh, we're newly weds and arguing all the time due to not getting any time together. So some support and time away now again would be nice but it's always on their terms and at inconvenience of us and my DD.

I really don't think there is a way around it without me going out of my way and just end up getting frustrated again at the rejections and snotty comments about us asking them.

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