I cannot make friends in this town?

[eeyore7]

NC but I have posted on here for years.

I was born/ grew up in the UK but live in ROI. All of my family are Irish. I moved between the two a lot during childhood but moved back here (ROI) after school.

Where I am living is about 3 hours from all my family. I moved here when I got married, DH has a family business so moving is not an option at all.

I have been here the guts of a decade and I haven't made any substantial friendships. I have had 'fleeting' friendships but they have then moved away 1 to marry herself, 1 for a better job, 1 hasn't moved but is big into her hobby and does that most weekends. We went out a few times to the pub, that was it really.

I WFH which I know does not help, I also don't have a car right now which is less than ideal.

I am just at a loss as to how to make adult friends. I have one DS I took him to the mummy/ baby group for a while on mat leave but didn't really make any connections there. Although it was good to get out of the house.

The town had a population of about 1,500 and I live a few miles outside town.

How do I make friends as an adult? Is it possible? The town is Oldcastle if anyone else lives here!

YABU - You can make friends
YANBU - You can't make friends

Are there any groups you can get involved with? Singing, gardening, walking, volunteering? That kind of thing. I joined a choir when I moved towns and found it the quickest way to meet people. I never gelled with the other parents at the school gate, I was quite young when I had DS and we were at very different life stages.

So I voted you can but I think you need to make some changes to make them. Is there any way you can start WOH? Wfh when you’re socially isolated isn’t going to help. And you can’t really not have a car if you live rurally so I’d prioritise that. Other than that, you need ways to meet people without pressure- what are your interests?

Sorry haven't voted because I don't think you're unreasonable but I do think it's possible. What made the difference for me was volunteering. And that's hard with small dc. But if you can do it, that's how I got inserted into the local doings and 'known'.

There's also the reality of the definition of friends... some people you really don't have a lot in common with but are reasonably easy to chat to may need to make up the bulk of your interactions. Worth it for the sake of a few really close friends, and also you can't always tell which of the ones who don't seem that compatible actually end up revealing hidden depths (or possibly I've got less demanding with time).

@DelilahBucket I can't really seem to find anything like that. I have even phoned the parish priest in desperation!

@illiterato I did used to work in an office but haven't for some years. What I do is not specialise particularly but there are no jobs within an hours commute each way. Also my employer is fantastic, it's a bit of a catch. My last employer was bad, really really bad! Working on getting the car and hopefully will within a few months, a few things out of my control on that one, but even when I did have one it didn't make that much of a difference to making friends. I have lots of interests, travelling being a huge one, cooking, exploring new places, taking nice photo's, walking, knitting (yea I know!) reading

@PermanentTemporary I think I would take the definition of friends right now to be someone to talk to me. I haven't fallen out with my old friends but lack of seeing each other etc just leaves a very 'gloss on top friendship'. I want someone who I can say fancy calling around for a cuppa and a chat. Or to take our kids to the park. To be invited out places like dinner/ drinks/ hen parties. To get a text just saying 'hi Eeyore how are you' or as pathetic as this sound to be tagged in funny meme's by people that think of me.

👋from the other side of Meath.

Since I came back to Ireland all my friends are also ex-expats or non Irish people. The people I know who grew up here have friend groups from school and extended family groups and aren't so interested in new people.

Is there any local clubs you are interested in? A tidy towns or GAAs mothers and others have worked well for people I know.

Is there a local Facebook group you could use to start your own get together, like a reading club aka wine and natter club?

https://www.meetup.com/find/ireland/

also check the noticeboard in your nearest library & supermarket. Then join absolutely everything you can until you find your tribe. Good luck!!

@turkeyboots hello Meath'r. Yes, they all already have friends/ don't need more. My cousin from my home town says 'with small kids/ busy lives she doesn't get to see people either. But I know that isn't true. She will say 'Sarah called in with the kids for a cuppa' ' Aunty Sharon is having us around on Thurs morning' etc. She still has her school friends and they are a complete click, she has had the same friends for decades. They are lovely lovely women but that's what I am finding here too, lots of lovely women but they don't need me.

I wish things like bingo/ bridge were still going that would be way more me than GAA, although I think I might try it sometime.

@DelilahBucket what sort of thing would you put into the FB message on a local group?

It is tough to make friends in Ireland past a certain age. People gravitate towards their family and those they've know since junior infants. Gaa/ tidy towns as a pp suggested is probably the way to go.

@elgreco I am happy to settle for superficial friends. Everyone says I will 'really settle in' when DC start school but that's years away yet

I did make friends when the kids started school but like you say that's ages away. Is there a woman's crafting group? I'd take up something even if you don't think youd like it if you want to meet others.

@eeyore7 fellow Irish person here (Cork), I totally empathise. I sadly lost a partner and a best friend within a few years of each other, I'm early 30's. I've joined lots of stuff and met nice people but found everything was pretty surface level and didn't really amount to real friendships. I wish I had more words of wisdom but just wanted to let you know your not alone ❤

@Septembergirl20 I am so sorry to hear about your partner and friend 😢
I love Cork City, I went to college there. Most of my family live within about an hour from Cork City.

I am a very social person when in a group setting I will always be able to talk/ be friendly/ enjoy myself with people. I have always been that way. But I suppose you need to meet the same people over and over to actually make a friendship. And when those people don't need you the way you need them they won't make much effort - not saying they aren't lovely people but they don't need more friends

There's a cycling club in the town, if you don't have a car a cycling club can be a good way in. Also cyclists definitely know the good cafés and cake in a 20km radius. Most clubs take on new members at this time of year.