Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Rejected for having a child? Single mum.

19 replies

oneanddonee · 30/08/2023 15:30

I'm 24. I left an abusive marriage last year.

I took my time out to heal before even trying to get to know someone. I recently was approached by someone new. He seemed really lovely, we got to know one another and he was excited about the idea of me having a child.

He recently spoke to his parents about me, they said they didn't mind me, but my child would be an issue. I am really heartbroken & we ended things. We're both Muslim and of the same culture too, I understand parents can be concerned about things too, he has his whole life ahead of him he's the same age as me and never been married before, his parents said he could have anyone he wanted which is true.

I know being alone is better than being with someone who makes me feel alone & I learnt that the hard way. But god, I am scared. I feel afraid to trust someone with my heart. It's obviously showing me I need more time alone now.

Aibu to think maybe I'm just naive with the thought I may find someone one day..
My child is innocent in all of this & shouldn't be the blame.. anyone else had this response before?

OP posts:

IfYouMustThen · 30/08/2023 17:52

Someone else's child is not going to be for everyone. For some people it will be fine, for others it will be a big no no.

But if he didn't have an issue and it was genuinely his parents then more fool him for not having his own mind.

My honest opinion is that while you're still quite young you might find you get this response from some people. If you genuinely find the right person it won't be an issue.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 30/08/2023 17:55

Lots of people don't want to get involved with someone who already has children - it doesn't mean they're blaming your child for anything.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 30/08/2023 17:56

If you are only a year out of an abusive relationship, you might want to focus on yourself and your child rather than dating.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 30/08/2023 17:59

I think you’re very young and if you’re dating men of a similar age a child can seem daunting.
I also echo the sentiments above that you are only a year out of a relationship. In deed have fun and date but way to soon to think about getting serious given all you’ve been through and the fact you have a young child.

IfYouMustThen · 30/08/2023 18:03

I dont think the year is the issue at all, a year is a long time. I think just because you're young, someone else young might be inclined to think they'd rather meet someone who also doesn't have children yet like themselves.

frazzledasarock · 30/08/2023 18:06

I took a long time to even be open to the possibility of a relationship after leaving an abusive marriage.

my first reaction to men who approached me was to tell them I was divorced with children. I didn’t want anyone who would have an issue to start a relationship then later decide it’s not for them when finding out I was a single parent.

I was much older though and discovered men around that age were fine almost expected that I’d have children.

you’ll find the right person. Not everyone wants the responsibility of bringing up another persons child. It’s not an easy thing to do.

gabagood · 30/08/2023 18:07

You'll find someone. Not everyone wants to be with someone who has a child. Some people are absolutely fine with it.

When I was dating I was very clear that I didn't want to meet someone with children. It's my preference.

PuttingDownRoots · 30/08/2023 18:07

If you look at the amount of posts about the difficulty of blending families and step parenting on here, I can fully understand people being wary. Its not a criticism of you, more a reflection of reality.

TakeMe2Insanity · 30/08/2023 18:11

I’m also muslim and know the mentality of the parents. Just look at this as a lucky escape, for him to be so attached to his parent’s opinion while being a proper grown up man is silly. He should have had more back bone. Unfortunately you might come across this a lot but you’ll find the right one. Look at this as a blessing.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 30/08/2023 18:16

I do not read this as anyone blaming your child so please do not feel hurt on their behalf.

It is possible that your boyfriend got cold feet and used his parents as an excuse. In which case much better that you find out early on. Or the alternative is that he is very influenced by them. Similarly, it's better that you found out early on. Either way this relationship would only have caused you heartache.

At 24, very many men your own age will not be wanting to live a family style life just yet. You have many years ahead of you to find someone. Do not panic about that! I would be very wary of anyone who wants to settle down too quickly in any event. You have done very well to leave an abusive relationship. Savour that freedom for now and just take things as they come.

Mariposista · 30/08/2023 18:30

Focus on your child and career! You do not need to be in a relationship.

Alwaysdecorating · 30/08/2023 18:35

The child being blamed is your interpretation. That’s created by you.

I don’t understand why he would be excited that you had a child? What about you having a child made him excited?

I am not Muslim but come from background religion and culture very much impact things in a similar way. It’s best you know now. Because chances are in a few years, if you continued and he listened to his parents so intently you would have found that your child would have be treated very differently by his family. Especially if you had more children.

On the subject of having children and saying, some people don’t want to date people with children. And that’s really ok. I have children and was a single parent and I wouldn’t have dated someone with kids. I really didn’t want to blend a family. It’s not for me.

Its always better to know early

MintJulia · 30/08/2023 18:35

TakeMe2Insanity · 30/08/2023 18:11

This. If he isn't mature enough to stand up to his parents over this, he isn't mature enough to have any kind of a relationship. He's still a child.

Don't worry OP, there is someone who will love you and your child. Take your time, enjoy your single status, and your freedom, and focus on your little one for a while.

WhateverMate · 30/08/2023 18:38

If he's not adult enough to cut the apron strings then you've had a lucky escape.

It's a bit weird for a bloke to be 'excited you have a child' anyway. Your child is yours and nothing to do with him, so nothing to get excited over.

It's very early days for you yet, so I'd concentrate on building a happy, secure life with your child for now.

AuntyPenny · 30/08/2023 18:40

There are loads of men out there, with and without kids, who wouldn't have an issue with you having one.

Chalk this up as experience and move on. For the right partner having a child/being a single mother won't be an issue.

Lovelybeansfromnextdoor · 30/08/2023 18:43

You will need time to heal from the abuse. Your child will have been caught up in this.

You are very young, your child must be very young. Romance can wait.

Work on yourself and building a secure and stable life for you and your LO.

Noicant · 30/08/2023 18:49

Anyone who has to ask their mum and dad is not grown up yet consider it a lucky escape. I’m probably from a similar culture but I don’t think Dh would have considered his parents not approving of me a problem.

Honestly I would leave relationships for a while, build a life for you and your child that is centred around you two. You may have healed but they may not have yet. You need to make sure you understand who you are and what you want your life to look like. Men on the whole are a bit shit these days, give yourself the freedom to have a life without one for a while. I would also suggest therapy to make sure you have your boundaries firmly in place.

readingmynightaway · 30/08/2023 19:21

There are so many factors at play for you and a potential partner.
Who knows what his family has thrown at him for expectations being religious, their morals or beliefs.
A selfless man will accept you and your child.
If a man does not accept your child or your life, then it is not worth it.
Usually, the selfish won't accept a child,
I fully believe that.
Hold your head high.

Smartiepants79 · 30/08/2023 19:26

It’s not selfish to be honest enough to say ‘ I don’t think I’d do a good job of raising someone else’s child’.
Raising your own children is hard enough, being able to truly take on someone else’s as you own takes a very specific kind of personality and relationship.
It is much better that she knows now that he doesn’t want it be a surrogate father rather than 2 years down the line.
1 year out of a difficult marriage is not very long. You definitely need to give it a bit more time and patience.

Flip