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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend offered that I don't go to funeral tomorrow- AIBU to now not know if they don't want me to?

17 replies

blossmgirl · 30/08/2023 11:00

Off to funeral of my friends brother in law tomorrow, I know the widow/sister and felt very happy (in the circumstances) to be able to travel with my friend.

He, friend, has just said if it's too much then it's perfectly fine that he goes alone. I was all set but now have doubts as to if he's being straight about not wanting me there.

I was a little taken aback when he made the suggestion. He said he only asked out of thinking of me first but my spider senses are twitching.

AIBU to wonder why he'd say that at all, or is it a normal thing to offer on the eve of arrangements?

Hope this explanation makes sense!? Happy to hear any thoughts and thanks to anyone posting

OP posts:

widowtwankywashroom · 30/08/2023 11:01

He might just want to travel on his own

EstieGreenwood · 30/08/2023 11:04

I agree, it sounds like he might want to travel on his own - sometimes it's nice to have a little bit of quiet time before an event like that, but he might not want to hurt your feelings by suggesting you travel separately.

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 30/08/2023 11:04

Ask him.

ManchesterLu · 30/08/2023 11:26

Sometimes friends of mine have offered to come to places with me but I've preferred to go on my own - because if they were there they wouldn't know anyone other than me and keeping them company would actually just be another thing to have to think about, however well meaning the offer originally was.

Is there any chance your friend might feel the same?

wowthatsharsh · 30/08/2023 11:29

Just say that you'd planned to go tomorrow but if you feel that it's best you don't then can they let you know!

SiobhanSharpe · 30/08/2023 11:37

People are weird about funerals in England, IME. He might feel you're not close enough to the family and hence not 'entitled' to come.
I actually got an invitation to a funeral a few years ago, pre-covid. Never had one before. We did go and it was huge, TBF.
Mind you, DH, who is Irish, would go to the funeral of the postman's brother-in-law's Dad if he knew about it. Different customs.

TrustMyArse · 30/08/2023 11:42

He probably wants to be free to sit with and talk to relatives rather than feeling he needs to be mindful of you all day. Will you know anyone else there?

BellaJuno · 30/08/2023 11:46

Did he offer to travel with you or did you ask him? I’d say he’s giving you an out to pull out gracefully so I’d either ask him outright or make my own travel arrangements and just say hello when you’re there but don’t hang around with him too much. It may be he wants to focus on being with his family but doesn’t want to offend.

JudgeRudy · 30/08/2023 11:54

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 30/08/2023 11:04

Ask him.

This

Silvers11 · 30/08/2023 11:55

That's a difficult one. I would just ask him straight out.

I had a friend whose Brother died and she did say, very kindly, that I would be welcome but she would understand if I felt unable to attend. In her case, that was definitely a genuine comment. I went with 2 of our mutual friends

So I don't think you can be sure, either way. I would just say that you were planning on going, but are happy to make your own way there if he would like to have his own space?

Canisaysomething · 30/08/2023 12:28

Just ask him if he would prefer you to go or prefer to go alone. It's his choice.

HappiDaze · 30/08/2023 12:31

Maybe he thinks you're only going for him so he's giving you a get out clause

Why can't people just learn to communicate better

Just ask him

pontipinemum · 30/08/2023 12:35

""He, friend, has just said if it's too much then it's perfectly fine that he goes alone.""

That bit struck me. Do you think he might be saying that because he is worried he is putting you out? Like he is giving you a ready made excuse in case you don't want to go? I think I would talk to him again try and gauge what he really feels

But then I'm Irish and as someone else said we do it very differently with regards funerals

IncompleteSenten · 30/08/2023 12:35

Ask him.
Tell him you want to do what will be best for him. That going or not going are both fine with you, you want to go with what he wants.

CantFindTheBeat · 30/08/2023 12:37

What's the situation, OP?

Is it a long trip, are you staying over, does he need your support?

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 30/08/2023 12:43

If he is the one driving you both, picking you up, I think he might be feeling it’s just easier if he makes his own way. Also, he might feel if you travel together that it may then be awkward if you then sit separately (if he is sitting with family).

My impression is that he is happy for you to be there but does not want to assume any responsibility for you on the day.

But truly you won’t know for sure unless you ask him.

Original poster

blossmgirl · 30/08/2023 12:44

Thank you kindly for the replies and thoughts here. Of course I can ask directly but it doesn't guarantee the truth. As it happens I'd a meeting with my son's college to attend after that's been brought forward. I've just let my friend know in person that this means I can't join him and there was a flicker of relief perhaps or just ease at knowing a fixed plan. I'll not ever know but now the decision it's out of my hands, and a little comment he made about being glad of my company on the drive (notably not there) just settles it being all for the better.
Thanks for the replies and energy taken to think this through - always appreciated x

OP posts:

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