To be horribly worried about my 17 year old

[StressIsMyFuel]

My son is 17. He has recently started a relationship with a girl he met on Snapchat who lives a good 4 hour train ride away.

He visited her a few weeks ago for the day and it was fine, he is old enough to have autonomy now etc.

He told me she was 16 and had just finished her schooling. This weekend he has told his dad she is not 16 until early next year, and that she is actually not even attending school. She also has a name which is not a name (think something like “Mischief”) due to “trauma” which everyone including her mother calls her by. He has started today referring to her as they not her so I assume there are also now pronoun changes being discussed. I am not against any of those things but they do tell me there are clearly issues.

We have fallen out over this and he has stropped off to stay at his dads. His dad is also deeply worried. He is of an age where we can’t stop him visiting her, but we have said there will no overnights until she is 16 and we would drive to collect him (he gave me her address) if he went against this. He genuinely doesn’t see an issue here with the ages, he has ADHD quite severely and is easily lead and I am so stressed over this! She is legally a child!

To compound things her mother seems to be encouraging this, inviting him down etc. She has already invited him for Christmas even though the kids have only met once (although are on chat non stop)!!! I can’t believe someone would think this is something to encourage 😕

He is 17, and has said if we say no he will just continue without our permission and we can’t stop him. Argh.

Two years isn’t a big deal. The whole name that’s not a name and use of pronouns tells you all you need to know about her family set up. The mother will encourage it because she’s ‘cool’ and ‘ her daughter’s best friend’. I wouldn’t allow it but my family set up is very different to yours and my children have lead quite sheltered lives.
I predict they will be living together when she turns 16 ( because 4 hours is too long to travel ) and probably pregnant within the year. It could work out wonderfully for them both and she could be the nicest girl in the world. Unfortunately no one knows the future and the stats are stacked against them.

Some information on the safety/safeguarding, so you can make an informed decision

As a starting point, sexual activity with a 13+ year old and your son (at 17) is not developmentally abnormal and in itself would not be criminalised.

However, you have to consider age against any imbalance of power. For example:

• If she has additional needs she would be more vulnerable. But if your son had his own additional needs then there isn't necessarily that power imbalance.
• The fact that she is (apparently) home educated increases her vulnerability.
• She/Their gender fluidity may make them at a greater risk of harm from prejudice behaviour if others, which again increases vulnerability.

All that considered, he is unlikely to be criminalised for having a relationship with her. But he us putting himself in a position where he could be at risk of allegations from her, because she carries some inherent vulnerabilities which he needs to consider. He needs to be very clear on consent and a very clear understanding on what coercion is so he actively ensures he keeps her and himself safe.

I think the absolutely best thing you can do is be open and talk to you son about the benefits of safe sexual activity. They will do it with or without your consent - and during the day if he can't stay over so don't for one second believe that you've managed to stop it happening. Buy condoms for him even so he doesn't have an excuse.

This sounds tough, but it seems from what you've said that how you react to it could make a big difference in the outcome.

First, I wouldn't focus too much on the name and pronoun thing. My nephew and his girlfriend (both 18, both lovely people) have changed their names. His girlfriend now goes by 'they/them' pronouns, though they're not transitioning. My nephew changed his name because he thinks his new name is cooler (I don't get it, but sure...), but his girlfriend made the change because their abusive father chose their original name and they just didn't want the association anymore.

It seems that some kids at that age in this time are experimenting with their identities more than we ever would/could have - the more you focus on these things or make a big deal out of them, the more he'll dig in. If you can find a way to just refer to his girlfriend by the preferred name and pronouns, without eyerolling or judgment, that will be one less battle with your son. If you make it clear that you think these things are red flags (just because they're outside of your personal experience / the way your family operates), the less likely he'll be to listen to any of your other opinions.

People who have trauma and difficult family situations are worthy of love, and can make great partners. You haven't met his girlfriend, but you're already judging her as someone who isn't good enough for your son. Could there be a way for you to meet her and her mother?

You know this by now, but the more you make all of this a big deal, the more he'll be drawn to his girlfriend and her family. You'll be the enemy, they'll be the understanding people who really 'get' him. I know it will be hard to feel like you're going along with this relationship that you don't like the sound of, but it sounds like you really care for your son and don't want to push him away or lose him to this situation.

Finally, they're 15 and 17, and they live 4 hours apart. It's so likely that, unless you push them closer together by being against their relationship and turning the drama up to 100, things will fizzle out on their own. They're at such tumultuous ages - all you can do is be there for your son, love him, and accept him.

I hope it all works out for the best!

I think you're worrying far too much about this. He's met her once, for a day. He's 17 and she's almost 16, which is a perfectly normal age gap for a pair of teenagers. Ultimately, they live four hours apart and are kids, so this is unlikely to actually go anywhere long-term.

The name and pronouns are irrelevant.

It’ll fizzle out as fast as it started

could you have an online ‘chat’ get to know her a bit more 👍🏿☘️

I think we are missing the most important point of all.

CONDOMS. Condoms, condoms, condoms, condoms.

Have The Talk and have it soon.