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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argument with DH, AIBU?

17 replies

IsItFinallySeptemberYet · 29/08/2023 19:32

I’ve taken a lot of time off work over the past 6 weeks to look after the kids during the summer holidays (booked as annual leave). DH took a week off when we all went on holiday, & then he booked today off so we’d have a 4 day weekend (I’d already booked today off ages ago, for childcare - so I was excited that he’d got it off too).
I’d been hoping to do 1 big day out on one of the 4 days, but it’s not materialised - a combo of extortionate prices/bad weather. I’d still have gone ahead anyway but DH didn’t want to. So instead we’ve just pottered all weekend, local park & that sort of thing, places I’ve been taking the kids to all summer (yes, I’m a bit miffed that we’ve not made the most of our time off all together, which might have made me overreact today).
Today DH said he didn’t want to do anything, he said he had things to do by himself. Basically, he needed to get something from the shop, which would have been 30 minutes of a job tops. But he wanted to write off the whole day with us just to do that. He expected me to have the kids. I said he could pop to the shop whilst I got the kids ready, & then we could go out somewhere (I wasn’t expecting to go anywhere major, just out for a walk or something). He said no.
I was absolutely raging with him & completely lost my shit, I said why the hell have we booked time off work just for you to pop to a shop? He says he didn’t book it off to pop to a shop, he booked it off to have extra time off work & this is just how it’s worked out today, he has things to do. He can’t understand why I’m so mad. I can’t understand why he’s been so selfish & obtuse.
AIBU & completely overreacting?

OP posts:
Diamondsareforeverandever · 29/08/2023 19:39

No you're not. Next year let him sort the school holidays out and use his annual leave for them.

Curseofthenation · 29/08/2023 19:40

I mean, you had no real plans. I probably would have suggested he had the morning to himself and that I got the afternoon as childfree time. It sounds like you had the past three days all together as a family, so it seems like a reasonable compromise.

What is he doing with the remainder of his annual leave? I hope he's using his all for childcare during half terms etc too.

Sunshineclouds11 · 29/08/2023 19:41

Yeah would piss me off too.

Agree he uses more of his leave next year

Cherrysoup · 29/08/2023 19:42

Were you clear in advance of him taking the day off that you wanted to do something? I don’t really understand why you’re so cross when you said going out anywhere different was extortionate/ruined by poor weather. Can he not cope doing more than one thing per day?

Blanca87 · 29/08/2023 19:42

What @Diamondsareforeverandever said. He sorts it next year and hold your resolve

Hufflepods · 29/08/2023 19:45

It sounds like you both made assumptions and this is the result

Why have you taken most of the annual leave for the summer holidays?
Does your husband cover the half terms? What is his annual leave being used on if yours is mostly used up?

felisha54 · 29/08/2023 19:49

Does he use his annual to take off half terms?

Original poster
IsItFinallySeptemberYet · 29/08/2023 19:54

I think I’m mad because he’d said no to any of the places I’d suggested we could go, so we’ve spent 3 days doing stuff I’ve been doing all summer hols with the kids already. I wanted 1 ‘special’ day out. For him to then say, actually I need to spend the whole day by myself just to get something from the shop, it tipped me over the edge. Felt like he was really saying he’d had enough of us. He might as well have saved the annual leave & gone to work!

OP posts:
Original poster
IsItFinallySeptemberYet · 29/08/2023 20:01

No, he doesn’t use his leave for any childcare. I’m part time, and I can build up flexi time to take off too. He uses his leave for when we go on holiday (2 separate weeks of the year), I don’t know what else really. He just never seems to have any or be able to get any time off, & childcare just seems to have fallen under my remit.

OP posts:
continentallentil · 29/08/2023 20:01

I think the issue is more him saying no to doing anything different the last three days, than wanting a day to himself today.

How did that play out - did you discuss it before hand? Does he normally throw a dampener on family days out.

Cool off and discuss it next weekend. It may just be a communication crash, but he needs to understand that you have been taking kids to the park all summer and you don’t want to do it on a family day out. Equally it’s fair enough that he wanted a day to mooch. 2 family days and a day off each while the other took the kids might be best.

continentallentil · 29/08/2023 20:03

It sounds like you are fed up with taking on all the childcare, so that’s something to discuss, though it may mean you up your hours at work.

Hufflepods · 29/08/2023 20:05

childcare just seems to have fallen under my remit.

Only because you’ve made it that way. You’ve gone part time for childcare reasons and then use flexitime and annual leave for the rest of the childcare. Why isn’t there a discussion on your DH doing any of it? If he takes 2 weeks annual leave for family holidays he still has around 3 annual leave.

In this specific instance did you actually discuss making 1 day special or is it just something you thought? You really need to be explicit if you have expectations around things.

Original poster
IsItFinallySeptemberYet · 29/08/2023 20:19

I told him about 3 places I fancied taking the kids to, & asked him which one he wanted to go to (I didn’t expect to go to all 3 but made it clear I’d like to do 1). We looked on the websites & priced them up, then he said he thought they were all too expensive & a bit far away, & he said the weather wasn’t looking great so he thought it’d be a waste of money. To be fair, one day out was averaging around £80 for us all to go which I agree is pricy, but as a one-off I’d have gone, we can afford it, & bad weather wouldn’t have put me off personally, & it’s not even been that bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
IsItFinallySeptemberYet · 29/08/2023 20:25

He just wouldn’t dream of using his leave to look after the kids, & I’ve been stupid & let it slide all this time. I don’t actually know what he uses his leave for really, he has to take some time off at Xmas, & he uses leave instead of taking time off sick because he doesn’t get sick pay. He’s not often sick but he does take days off for trivial things like a cold, which drives me mad.

OP posts:
Problesolving · 29/08/2023 20:26

IsItFinallySeptemberYet · 29/08/2023 20:01

No, he doesn’t use his leave for any childcare. I’m part time, and I can build up flexi time to take off too. He uses his leave for when we go on holiday (2 separate weeks of the year), I don’t know what else really. He just never seems to have any or be able to get any time off, & childcare just seems to have fallen under my remit.

Surely he gets more than 10 days holiday?

Loopytiles · 29/08/2023 20:29

Time to ‘re set’ parenting using annual leave. He has a known allowance so should share

If this is his habit at weekends too, leaving you with the DC, change that too.

Loopytiles · 29/08/2023 20:30

‘He just never seems to have any’ doesn’t wash: he will have a set amount of annual leave.

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